The Hadith Literature and the Opinions of the Salaf & Scholars On Women
The Hadith Literature and the Opinions of the Salaf & Scholars On Women
ConfrontationalEdge
ConfrontationalEdge
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Apr 6, 2023
Part 1:
In modern Western society (and many eastern societies now as well), men are indoctrinated to believe that going out of your way to do nice things for a woman is how you show her you love her and that this is what makes women fall in love with you. Mass media perpetuating socially liberal views creates the cultural gynocentrism that enforces this, further inculcating the idea that saying "no" to a woman, directing where the relationship/family is heading, telling a woman off (i.e. disciplining her), and that anything that allows a man to be in a dominant position over a woman (such as leading the relationship, having traditional gender roles, the man doing what he needs to do without necessarily consulting with his wife first for her "approval", etc.), are all bad things that "oppress" women. Unsurprisingly, many Muslim men fall for this propaganda as well and start believing in the faux-moralistic virtues that the West propagates regarding interpersonal relationships between men & women. This typically entails them believing that men wrong women more than the reverse, and that they (along with other men) need to be extra nice in order to act as a counterbalance to the supposed wrongdoings of other men, and also because they genuinely believe that this is what makes a woman attracted to a man.
What they don't realize, however, is that women are far less innocent than they believe. I can bring statistics showcasing these points, but there are still some who will remain in denial by saying that only nonMuslim women are this way, and that it doesn't apply to Muslim women. For many, if I were to bring enough personalized anecdotes from posts/comments of Muslimahs on this website itself, that would be enough to shatter the illusion of innocence. But others will continue remaining in denial by saying that these women are simply not religious (or some other nonsensical excuse), rather than just accept that those tendencies exist in all women.
To demonstrate why those men are wrong, I will bring sources from Islamic scholars and the Salaf themselves in addition to ahadith relating back to the Prophet ﷺ himself to show that these issues are universal and to also shine light on why the standard Western-prescribed perspectives of attracting women are incorrect:
The Prophet (ﷺ) was with one of the Mothers of the Believers (his wives) and another (wife) sent a bowl containing food. She (the first wife) struck the hand of the Messenger of (ﷺ) and the bowl fell and broke. The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) took the two pieces and put them back together, then he started gathering up the food and putting it in (the bowl). He said: 'Your mother was jealous. Eat.' So they ate, and she (the wife who broke the bowl) brought the bowl that was in her house and gave the intact bowl to the Messenger (ﷺ), who left the broken bowl in the house of the one who broke it.
For those who are wondering, it was A'isha who broke the dish of Umm Salamah.
The people used to try to bring their gifts (to the Prophet) on 'Aishah's day, hoping thereby to earn the pleasure of the Messenger of Allah.
The wives of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) were in two groups. One group consisted of `Aisha, Hafsa, Safiyya and Sauda; and the other group consisted of Um Salama and the other wives of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). The Muslims knew that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) loved `Aisha, so if any of them had a gift and wished to give to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), he would delay it, till Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) had come to `Aisha's home and then he would send his gift to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in her home. The group of Um Salama discussed the matter together and decided that Um Salama should request Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) to tell the people to send their gifts to him in whatever wife's house he was. Um Salama told Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) of what they had said, but he did not reply. Then they (those wives) asked Um Salama about it. She said, "He did not say anything to me." They asked her to talk to him again. She talked to him again when she met him on her day, but he gave no reply. When they asked her, she replied that he had given no reply. They said to her, "Talk to him till he gives you a reply." When it was her turn, she talked to him again. He then said to her, "Do not hurt me regarding Aisha, as the Divine Inspirations do not come to me on any of the beds except that of Aisha." On that Um Salama said, "I repent to Allah for hurting you." Then the group of Um Salama called Fatima, the daughter of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and sent her to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) to say to him, "Your wives request to treat them and the daughter of Abu Bakr on equal terms." Then Fatima conveyed the message to him. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "O my daughter! Don't you love whom I love?" She replied in the affirmative and returned and told them of the situation. They requested her to go to him again but she refused. They then sent Zainab bint Jahsh who went to him and used harsh words saying, "Your wives request you to treat them and the daughter of Ibn Abu Quhafa on equal terms." On that she raised her voice and (verbally) abused `Aisha to her face so much so that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) looked at `Aisha to see whether she would retort. `Aisha started replying to Zainab till she silenced her. The Prophet (ﷺ) then looked at `Aisha and said, "She really is the daughter of Abu Bakr."
We can see here that even the Prophet ﷺ still had to deal with female mind games and inter-wife politics (i.e. drama) whereby one wife (or many) would try gaining the favor of the Prophet ﷺ over the others. The fact that his wives were divided into two groups in the first place does seem to indicate that even the most righteous of women are prone to petty antics just the same as other women.
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) used to drink honey in the house of Zainab, the daughter of Jahsh, and would stay there with her. So Hafsa and I agreed secretly that, if he come to either of us, she would say to him. "It seems you have eaten Maghafir (a kind of bad-smelling resin), for I smell in you the smell of Maghafir," (We did so) and he replied. "No, but I was drinking honey in the house of Zainab, the daughter of Jahsh, and I shall never take it again. I have taken an oath as to that, and you should not tell anybody about it."
This is the (in)famous incident that actually led to the first divorce of Hafsa RA and the first 4 Verses in Surat At-Tahrim. The Prophet ﷺ did eventually remarry her though.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) was sitting and we heard a scream and the voices of children. So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) arose, and it was an Ethiopian woman, prancing around while the children played around her. So he said: 'O 'Aishah, come (and) see.' So I came, and I put my chin upon the shoulder of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and I began to watch her from between his shoulder and his head, and he said to me: 'Have you had enough, have you had enough?'" She said: "So I kept saying: 'No,' to see my status with him. Then 'Umar appeared." She said: "So they dispersed." She said: "So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: 'Indeed I see the Shayatin among men and jinn have run from 'Umar.' She said: 'So I returned.'"
How you interpret "to see my status with him" is up to you. However, it's important to note that she was telling the Prophet ﷺ "no" on purpose because she was in essence testing him in order to gauge things. I'm not saying she had sinister ulterior motives or anything like that, I'm just pointing out how her saying "no" to him wasn't really because she didn't want to stop watching them play yet, but was instead because of something else that had to do with her gauging him/her in relation to him/him in relation to her/etc. This is actually evidence of my posts on sh*t tests when I said that it's simply in a woman's fitrah to test men like this. This is further evidenced by the words of Imam al-Ghazali:
Arab women used to teach their daughters to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.”
Book on the Etiquette of Marriage, Chapter 3
Imam al-Ghazali also cites Imam al-Shafi'i as having said:
ثلاثة إن أكرمتهم أهانوك وإن أهنتهم أكرموك المرأة والخادم والنبطي
Which translates to "[There are] three if you honor them, they will insult you, and if you insult them, they will honor you: the woman, the servant, and the Nabataean."
Imam al-Ghazali also cites other interesting quotes:
قال الحسن: "والله ما أصبح رجل يطيع امرأته فيما تهوى إلا كبه الله في النار"
Al Hassan said: "By Allah, no man becomes obedient to his wife in what she desires except [that] Allah will Throw him into the Fire.
وقال عمر رضي الله عنه: "خالفوا النساء فإن في خلافهن البركة." وقد قيل: "شاوروهن وخالفوهن."
'Umar RA said: "Disagree with women (i.e. your wives), for in disagreement with them there is blessing." And it was [also] said [by him]: "Consult them then disagree with them".
" فاستحسن قولها وكان أصحاب رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يسدون الكوى والثقب في الحيطان لئلا تطلع النسوان إلى الرجال ورأى معاذ امرأته تطلع في الكوة فضربها ورأى امرأته قد دفعت إلى غلامه تفاحة قد أكلت منها فضربها."
The companions of the Prophet SAW used to close peepholes and perforations in the wall to prevent women from looking at men. Mu'adh [b. Jabal] saw his wife looking through a peephole, and he struck her; he also saw her giving an apple to his male slave from which she had eaten, and he struck her again.
I find it interesting how women from a conservative society 1,400 years ago would gawk at men, even Muslim women. The common theme society portrays in our time is that creeping perverts are all men, and that women, especially Muslim women, would never act in such ways. Some delude themselves into thinking that women don't have the same desires as men, but the reality as shown above says otherwise. Even if you dispute the hadith, the fact that such a narration even COULD exist demonstrates that such things weren't unfamiliar to the Arabs back then. The truth is that if you don't see them behaving sexually, it doesn't mean that they don't do it or that they have more class than men (or whatever excuse you want to come up with), it just means they don't do it WITH YOU. Women are just as depraved as men, but simply hide it better. But that aside, let's continue...
وروي انه دفعت إحداهن في صدر رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فزبرتها أمها فقال صلى الله عليه وسلم دعيها فإنهن يصنعن اكثر من ذلك
It was also related that one wife pushed the Prophet SAW in the chest, so her mother slapped her. The Prophet SAW said, “Leave her, for they [wives] do worse than that.”
وجرى بينه وبين عائشة كلام حتى أدخلا بينهما أبا بكر رضي الله عنه حكما واستشهده فقال لها رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم تكلمين أو أتكلم فقالت بل تكلم أنت ولا تقل إلا حقا فلطمها أبو بكر حتى دمى فوها وقال يا عدية نفسها أو يقول غير الحق فاستجارت برسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وقعدت خلف ظهره فقال له النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم لم ندعك لهذا ولا أردنا منك هذا
He [the Prophet SAW] and 'A'ishah got into an argument to the point that Abu Bakr was called upon to arbitrate, and the Prophet took him as a witness. So the Prophet SAW said to her, “Are you going to talk, or shall l?” She replied, “You talk, but say only the truth.” Abu Bakr struck her until her mouth bled, and said to her, “Oh enemy of yourself, does he utter anything but the truth?” So she took refuge with the Prophet SAW and sat behind him. The Prophet SAW then told him, “You were not called for this, nor did we desire this of you.”
Like, bruh.
وقالت له مرة في كلام غضبت عنده أنت الذي تزعم أنك نبي الله فتبسم رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم واحتمل ذلك حلما وكرما
She ['A'isha RA] told him once in anger, “And you are the one who claims to be the Prophet of God!” So the Prophet SAW smiled and bore that out of forbearance and kindness.
وكان يقول لها إني لأعرف غضبك من رضاك قالت وكيف تعرفه قال إذا رضيت قلت لا وإله محمد وإذا غضبت قلت لا وإله إبراهيم قالت صدقت إنما أهجر اسمك
He used to say to her, “I know when you are angry and when you are pleased.” To which she replied, “And how do you know it?” He said, “When you are pleased, you say 'No, by the God of Muhammad'; and when you are angry you say, 'No, by the God of Abraham.' “ She said, “You are right; I leave your name out.”
Dalliance, jesting, and playfulness add to the toleration of offense; for these delight the hearts of women.
I mention this because it ties back into my previous posts about sh*t tests, where I stated many times that fun, flirty, lighthearted playfulness is how you build attraction with a woman; it shows that the same things that work on women now also worked on women back then, meaning that all of this stuff we are talking about here on the subreddit is simply apart of female nature rather than a new societal construct.
In any case, I'm not gonna share with you his entire book since you can read it all yourself, but these are some key highlights. I'm going to move on to more hadith and quotes from other scholars now:
Hilal bin Umayyah accused his wife in the presence of the Prophet (ﷺ) of (committing adultery) with Sharik bin Sahma'. The Prophet said: "Bring proof or you will feel the Hadd (punishment) on your back." Hilal bin Umayyah said: "By the One Who sent you with the truth, I am telling the truth, and Allah will send down revelation concerning my situation which will spare my back." Then the following was revealed: "And for those who accuse their wives, but have no witnesses except themselves, let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies (i.e., testifies four times) by Allah that he is one of those who speak the truth. And the fifth (testimony should be) the invoking of the curse of Allah on him if he be of those who tell a lie (against her). But it shall avert the punishment (of stoning to death) from her, if she bears witness four times by Allah, that he (her husband) is telling a lie. And the fifth (testimony) should be that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth." The Prophet (ﷺ), turned and sent for them, and they came. Hilal bin Umayyah stood up and bore witness, and the Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Allah knows that one of you is lying. Will either of you repent?" Then she stood up and affirmed her innocence. On the fifth time, meaning that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth, they said to her: "It will invoke the wrath of Allah." Ibn 'Abbas said: "She hesitated and backed up, until we thought that she was going to recant. Then she said: 'By Allah, I cannot dishonor my people forever.' Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said: 'Wait and see. If she gives birth to a child with black eyes, fleshy buttocks and big calves, then he is the son of Sharik bin Sahma'.' And she gave birth to such a child. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said: 'Had it not the matter been settled by the Book of Allah, I would have punished her severely.' "
Women even back then would cheat on their husbands and lie about it to the whole of the community and to Allah SWT. She says she didn't want her people to be disgraced forever, but it's still clear as day that she cheated.
'Uwaimir came to `Asim bin `Adi who was the chief of Bani Ajlan and said, "What do you say about a man who has found another man with his wife? Should he kill him whereupon you would kill him (i.e. the husband), or what should he do? Please ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) about this matter on my behalf." `Asim then went to the Prophet (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! (And asked him that question) but Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) disliked the question," When 'Uwaimir asked `Asim (about the Prophet's answer) `Asim replied that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) disliked such questions and considered it shameful. "Uwaimir then said, "By Allah, I will not give up asking unless I ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) about it." Uwaimir came (to the Prophet ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! A man has found another man with his wife! Should he kill him whereupon you would kill him (the husband, in Qisas) or what should he do?" Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Allah has revealed regarding you and your wife's case in the Qur'an "So Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) ordered them to perform the measures of Mula'ana according to what Allah had mentioned in His Book. So 'Uwaimir did Mula'ana with her and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! If I kept her I would oppress her." So 'Uwaimir divorced her and so divorce became a tradition after them for those who happened to be involved in a case of Mula'ana. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) then said, "Look! If she (Uwaimir's wife) delivers a black child with deep black large eyes, big hips and fat legs, then I will be of the opinion that 'Uwaimir has spoken the truth; but if she delivers a red child looking like a Wahra then we will consider that 'Uwaimir has told a lie against her." Later on she delivered a child carrying the qualities which Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) had mentioned as a proof for 'Uwaimir's claim; therefore the child was ascribed to its mother henceforth.
Another instance of cheating. These were the sahaba who got cheated on, men who had better character than most people today, with more Islamic knowledge than most Muslims today. And even they got cheated on. And they were cheated on by sahabiyat, women who were also (typically) more virtuous than women of our time. I'm pointing these out because men need to understand that women are not these sweet innocent angels who simply become corrupted through a bad society per se, many of them simply choose to do wrong. Not just that, but I'm also trying to showcase how the fallacy of "all you need is the Qur'an & Sunnah if you want to do well with women and have a happy marriage" is utter nonsense. Men with greater understanding of the Qur'an and Sunnah got cheated on while there are kuffar who have harems. Why is that? It's because fitra exists regardless of religion. Yes, Islam discusses aspects of the fitra and marriage; that does not mean that intersexual dynamics is its focus though. That's why it's foolish to say things like "I don't need the red pill to have a happy marriage, I just need the Qur'an & Sunnah" because it's like saying "I don't need to study biology to understand the human body, I just need the Qur'an & Sunnah". It's ridiculous. The fact that it even says “’Uwaimir divorce divorced her and so divorce became a tradition after then for those who happened to be involved in a case of Mula’ana” literally means that there were cases of women cheating on their husbands after this too. These aren’t just isolated incidents or one-offs.
In any case, there is more commentary on this particular incident:
Mention was made of li'an in the presence of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). And Asim b. 'Adi passed a remark about it and then turned away, and a man of his tribe came to him complaining that he had found a man with his wife, whereupon 'Asim said: I have been taken by my words. He took him to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and told him about the man whom he had found with his wife and this man was a lean, yellow-coloured man with lank hair, and the person who was accused of committing adultery with her (his wife) had fleshy shanks, with wheat complexion and heavy bulk. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: O Allah, make (this case) manifest. And as she gave birth to a child, whose face resembled that person about whom her husband had made mention that he had found her with, and Allah's Messenger (may peace be, upon him) had asked them to invoke curses. A person said to Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with him): Is she (that woman) about whom Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) (said):" If I were to stone anybody without evidence, I would have stoned her"? Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with him) said: No, it is not she. That woman was one who openly spread evil in society.
There was another woman who was the same way (the words "openly spread evil in society" refers to openly committing zina). And keep in mind that all this was back in a conservative Islamic society 1,400 years ago during the time of the Prophet ﷺ.
Understand that female nature has a lot of unpleasant aspects to it that modern society today completely ignores (or blames on men). Because of this, women are seen as morally superior to men and as better people than men, painting this image in our mind that women are always in the right.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "But for the Israelis, meat would not decay and but for Eve, wives would never betray their husbands."
The only comment I can make is that this is evidence that all of what we see is inherent within women. No, I'm not saying women cheating on men is inherent women; I'm saying that the thing that makes one woman do these things (whether cheat, sh*t test, or other) exist in ALL women.
'Aishah, the wife of the Prophet (ﷺ) told him that there were four types of marriage during Pre-Islamic period of Ignorance. One type was similar to that of the present day i.e. a man used to ask somebody else for the hand of a girl under his guardianship or for his daughter's hand, and give her Mahr and then marry her. The second type was that a man would say to his wife after she had become clean from her period. "Send for so-and-so and have sexual intercourse with him." Her husband would then keep away from her and would never sleep with her till she got pregnant from the other man with whom she was sleeping. When her pregnancy became evident, her husband would sleep with her if he wished. Her husband did so (i.e. let his wife sleep with some other man) so that he might have a child of noble breed. Such marriage was called as Al-Istibda'. Another type of marriage was that a group of less than ten men would assemble and enter upon a woman, and all of them would have sexual relation with her. If she became pregnant and delivered a child and some days had passed after delivery, she would sent for all of them and none of them would refuse to come, and when they all gathered before her, she would say to them, "You (all) know what you have done, and now I have given birth to a child. So, it is your child so-and-so!" naming whoever she liked, and her child would follow him and he could not refuse to take him. The fourth type of marriage was that many people would enter upon a lady and she would never refuse anyone who came to her. Those were the prostitutes who used to fix flags at their doors as sign, and he who would wished, could have sexual intercourse with them. If anyone of them got pregnant and delivered a child, then all those men would be gathered for her and they would call the Qa'if (persons skilled in recognizing the likeness of a child to his father) to them and would let the child follow the man (whom they recognized as his father) and she would let him adhere to him and be called his son. The man would not refuse all that. But when Muhammad (ﷺ) was sent with the Truth, he abolished all the types of marriages observed in pre-Islamic period of Ignorance except the type of marriage the people recognize today.
I want to first say Alhamdulillahi Rab al 'alameen that we are not like this today.
Now, while the men were degenerate back then, you have to realize that it was the women who allowed this and openly displayed themselves this way. They willingly chose to do this even though virginity was still greatly more honorable than these other forms of "marriage". I make mention of all this to drive home the point that women are not anywhere near as innocent as modern society makes them out to be and that they never, ever were.
~~~
There is yet another instance I am aware of whereby 'Umar bin Khattab RA was out patrolling the streets one night when he heard a woman sing a poem. The woman was lamenting her husband being away (for jihad) and that had it not been for the fear of Allah SWT in her heart that she would've tried having another lover sleep with her. When he heard this, he was alarmed and went to his daughter Hafsa and asked her how long can a woman remain without her husband. The reports vary the range from anywhere between 3 months and 6 months. Because there are many reports and they differ quite a bit in their wording, I won't quote the exact words, but there is the source:
https://al-maktaba.org/book/31615/18822
~~~
Ibn Umar narrated:"I had a wife whom I loved, but my father disliked her, so he ordered me to divorce her but I refused. I mentioned that to the Prophet and he said: 'O Abdullah bin Umar! Divorce your wife.'"
The context for this was that Abdullah ibn Umar was extremely in love with his wife to the point where his deen started to/was about to falter. This demonstrates that infatuation on part of the man, especially to the point where your deen falters, is not something to do. And with regards to the content talked about on this subreddit, it shows that you as a man should never to love to the point where it controls you. Remember this:
Your life should not revolve around your woman. She is not the woman of your dreams; rather, she is *a* woman in your dreams.
And verily, we find other scholars holding similar opinions:
If a man is (greatly) in love with a woman, even if she was permissible for him, his heart will remain in her captivity. She will be in charge of him and do with him as she pleases. Although he outwardly appears to be her master, because he is her husband, in reality, he is her captive and her possession, especially if she is aware of his unrestricted love and dire need for her, and that (he thinks) she is irreplaceable. Indeed, the captivity of the heart is worse than the captivity of the body, as the enslavement of the heart is worse than the enslavement of the body.
Majmūʿ of ibn Taymiyyah (10/185)
The easiest way to ensure you aren't enslaved to a woman (or to anyone for that matter) is to never be afraid to walk away. Always be able to leave her at the drop of a hat.
The things being said are further corroborated by the saying of 'Umar bin Khattab RA:
Aslam said, "'Umar ibn al-Khattab said, "Do not let your love be a total infatuation. Do not let your anger be destruction." I asked, "How is that?" He replied, "When you love, you are infatuated like a child. When you hate, you desire destruction for your companion.""
Now just to make sure no one gets this confused, this was a saying by 'Umar bin Khattab RA, not the Prophet ﷺ. But it's still great advice regardless.
From the book: ديوان الامام الشافعي ("Poetry Compilation of Imam Al Shafi'i")
إن النساء شياطين خُلقن لنل؛ نعوذ بالله من شر الشياطين
Translation: "Women are devils created for us; We seek refuge in Allah from the evil of devils."
Tafsir ibn Kathir of Qur'an 4:34
اي: لأن الرجل أفضل من النساء، والرجل خير من المراة
Meaning: (This is) because men are better than women, and the man is better than the women.
The first part where men are "better" than women means excelling over women; I want to make this clear since in English, saying that you are "better" than someone else has an insulting and arrogant connotation that does not exist here in the Arabic text. The same goes for the second part, and it also shares a similar meaning except it's inclusive of blessings in an almost entrusting kind of way. It's hard to properly describe, but that's why modern English translations of the tafsir of this Verse are worded the way they are; although they still do tend to be watered down a little bit (hence why I didn't use those translations).
ولهذا كانت النبوة مختصة بالرجال، وكذلك الملك الأعظم
Meaning: That is why prophethood was restricted to men, as well as great kingship.
"Great kingship" is a reference to positions of leadership, particularly political leadership. Ibn Kathir then goes on to quote the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ saying that no nation will succeed if a woman becomes its leader, and that this extends to judiciaries (i.e. appointing women as judges) and others (i.e. other positions of social & political power).
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Many amongst men reached (the level of) perfection but none amongst the women reached this level except Asia, Pharaoh's wife, and Mary, the daughter of `Imran. And no doubt, the superiority of `Aisha to other women is like the superiority of Tharid (i.e. a meat and bread dish) to other meals."
Some people may be offended by the words of ibn Kathir and may say that it is only his opinion that isn't actually related to Islam; however, this hadith above shows that what he had said holds merit.
When we read this stuff, the problem isn't that Islam is sexist or that these men didn't know what they were talking about; the problem is that the social culture of today's time has made it taboo for people, particularly men, to point out faults in women. For example, if he had said the opposite, that women are better than men, no one would care in the slightest. No one would think it's sexist against men or that ibn Kathir is a misandrist or anything of the sort. Some may say that it's because of the circumstance where men dominated the society back then, but this doesn't disprove the "what if" question; what if he was actually right? What if these statements aren't because of some patriarchal notion causing fragile masculinity (or whatever feminists say), what if it's because he's simply telling the truth? This possibility is never explored in the modern day. The reality is that this double standard came from feminism attacking men over perceived discrimination (thereby normalizing misandry), and also by equating criticisms against feminism as sexism against women (even if the criticisms were valid, thereby stifling any discussion about feministic wrongs).
These people aren't sexist; the Prophet ﷺ isn't sexist. He actually went against the culture of his time regarding women, yet still said these things anyway. Perhaps these things really are true. If you can't accept the possibility that there are unpleasant truths about women, ask yourself why. It's very likely that you've succumbed to Western propaganda regarding gender dynamics.
Then, I looked into the condition of women. I found that women in general are not religious and extremely ignorant. They seem to know nothing about the Hereafter, except for those whom Allah guarded from such a trial.
Ibn al-Jawzi (Captured Thoughts, Chapter 31, p. 162)
Notice how Ibn al-Jawzi singles out women as a particular group? Women as women knew little about the deen nor were they religious, and this was also before the Mongols sacked Baghdad (the city in which Ibn al-Jawzi was from) meaning it was during the Golden Age of Islam. I bring forth his statement here because it acts as demonstrable evidence for the veracity of the hadith immediately above it; someone who lived during the Golden Age of Islam (arguably the best time period in history for Muslims) who was also alive 500-600 years after the Prophet ﷺ (meaning he comes from a different era than the Prophet ﷺ) had made an observation that coincides with what the Prophet ﷺ had said (i.e. that very few women reach the level of religious perfection).
Yahya related to me from Malik from Yahya ibn Said from Amra bint Abd ar-Rahman that A'isha, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "If the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, had seen what women do now, he would have forbidden them to go into the mosques, just as the women of the Bani Israil were forbidden."Yahya ibn Said said that he asked Amra, "Were the women of the Bani Israil forbidden to go into the mosques?" and she said, "Yes."
Muwatta Malik Book 14, Hadith 15 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
This is A'isha RA, wife of the Prophet ﷺ and a woman herself, saying this about the women of her time, about other sahabiyat. These were the salaf, the best generation of Muslims, too. Is it still just sexist and misogynistic men who make these claims? I think not. And those who continue to say so, you are slandering good people with great character to avoid confronting these truths so that you can continue lying to yourself about the reality of what Allah SWT Decrees for the sexes.
I heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) say: Don't prevent your women from going to the mosque when they seek your permission. Bilal b. 'Abdullah said: By Allah, we shall certainly prevent them. On this 'Abdullah b. Umar turned towards him and reprimanded him harshly as I had never heard him do before. He ('Abdullah b. Umar) said: I am narrating to you that which comes from the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and you (have the audacity) to say: By Allah, we shall certainly prevent them.
Here, we see how things have gotten so bad to the point that Bilal bin Abdullah, the grandson of 'Umar bin Khattab RA, swore by Allah SWT that they would continue to prevent women from going to the masjid in spite of what the Prophet ﷺ had said. This hadith and the hadith with A'isha RA refer to the same thing—that the women have begun to turn corrupt.
This is actually why 'Umar bin Khattab RA banned women from the masjid outside of the 5 obligatory prayers (I recall reading elsewhere that they were also allowed for taraweeh but I cannot confirm the veracity of that).
Anas (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) had nine wives. So when he divided (his stay) with them, the turn of the first wife did not come but on the ninth (day). They (all the wives) used to gather every night in the house of one where he had to come (and stay that night). It was (the night when he had to stay) in the house of 'A'isha (Allah be pleased with her), when Zainab came there. He (the Prophet ﷺ) stretched his hand towards her (Zainab), whereupon she ('A'isha) said:"It is Zainab". Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) withdrew his hand. There was an altercation between the two (women) until their voices became loud (and it was at that time) when Iqama was announced for prayer. There happened to come Abu Bakr and he heard their voices and said: Messenger of Allah, (kindly) come for prayer, and throw dust in their mouths. So the Prophet (ﷺ) went out. 'A'isha said: When Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) would finish his prayer there would also come Abu Bakr and he would do as he does (on such occasions, i.e. reprimanding). When Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) had finished his prayer, Abu Bakr came to her ('A'isha), and spoke to her in stern words and said: Do you behave like this?
Standard catfight. They basically argued so much that even after the Prophet ﷺ and Abu Bakr RA left for prayer and returned, they were still arguing (and loudly at that, too). In addition, when the Prophet ﷺ outstretched his hand to Zainab RA (to welcome her), 'A'isha RA said "It is Zainab" (with stark disapproval) as if to say it's something bad, hence why they began fighting/arguing.
I mean honestly, this is starting to sound like cliche girl dramas that you see on TV. It's not alien to us.
Part 2:
Abu Bakr (RA) came and sought permission to see Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). He found people sitting at his door and none amongst them had been granted permission, but it was granted to Abu Bakr and he went in. Then came Umar and he sought permission and it was granted to him, and he found Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) sitting sad and silent with his wives around him. He (Umar) said: "I would say something which would make the Prophet (ﷺ) laugh, so he said: Messenger of Allah, I wish you had seen (the treatment meted out to) the daughter of Khadija when you asked me some money", and I got up and slapped her on her neck. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) laughed and said: "They are around me as you see, asking for extra money." Abu Bakr (RA) then got up went to A'isha (RA) and slapped her on the neck, and Umar stood up before Hafsa and slapped her saying: "You ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) which he does not possess". They said: "By Allah, we do not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) for anything he does not possess". Then he withdrew from them for a month or for twenty-nine days. Then this Verse was revealed to him: "Prophet: Say to thy wives... for a mighty reward" (Qur'an 33:28-29). He then went first to A'isha (RA) and said: "I want to propound something to you, A'isha, but wish no hasty reply before you consult your parents." She said: "Messenger of Allah, what is that?" He (ﷺ) recited to her the Verse, whereupon she said: "Is it about you that I should consult my parents, Messenger of Allah? Nay, I choose Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Abode; but I ask you not to tell any of your wives what I have said." He replied: "Not one of them will ask me without my informing her. God did not send me to be harsh, or cause harm, but He has sent me to teach and make things easy."
Here, the wives of the Prophet ﷺ were asking for more money. The reason for it was due to materialistic reasons. It happened during a time when the financial state of Muslims back then improved. What's interesting is that prior to this, the wives of the Prophet ﷺ were arguably fine with the way they lived. But afterwards, that's when they felt like they deserved more, particularly because the Prophet ﷺ being in charge of the wealth meant that he was the one who handled it. This is likely why they swore by Allah SWT that the Prophet ﷺ had more money. The thing is, the Prophet ﷺ had a duty to others before himself; that means distributing the money to those in need first. The purpose of prophethood isn't to use/abuse it as a status symbol for personal gain, so just because there is an influx of wealth doesn't mean you can become more materialistic via nepotism through the Prophet ﷺ. Now, I'm not accusing the Mothers of the Believers of having sinister intentions or anything like that, I'm simply trying to give insight into the minds & nature of women by demonstrating through the Seerah that they were still human. If the Mothers of the Believers, the best of women, still had these patterns of behavior, then understand that women as a whole simply cannot help but be this way.
There's also something else to note here—A'isha RA said to not tell the other wives of her own decision. Why? It's because she didn't want her choice of staying with the Prophet SAW to sway his other wives into staying too. When noting the female inter-wife politics, we see that her making this request was an attempt to keep the Prophet ﷺ all to herself (which is understandable, but also shows how the minds of women function in a way not really discussed in the modern era: they all play create ploys/schemes to get what they want, and it is inherent within them to do so). Even more, she did this when tensions between her and the Prophet ﷺ were at an all-time high, when their relationship was most strained (he literally asked them if they wanted a divorce due to everything). And even despite this, she tries scheming anyway. If this isn't proof that all this is apart of women's fitra, then I don't know what is.
I had been eager to ask Umar about the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) regarding whom Allah said (in the Qur'an): "If you two (wives i.e. Aisha and Hafsa) turn in repentance to Allah (it is best for you) for your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet (ﷺ) likes)" (Qur'an 66:4), till I performed the Hajj along with Umar (and on our way back from Hajj) he went aside (to answer the call of nature) and I also went aside along with him carrying a tumbler of water. When he had answered the call of nature and returned. I poured water on his hands from the tumbler and he performed ablution. I said, "O Chief of the believers! Who were the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) to whom Allah said: "If you two return in repentance (Qur'an 6:44)"?" He said, "I am astonished at your question, O Ibn `Abbas. They were Aisha and Hafsa." Then Umar went on relating the narration and said: "I and an Ansari neighbor of mine from Bani Umaiya bin Zaid who used to live in Awali Al-Medina, used to visit the Prophet (ﷺ) in turns. He used to go one day, and I another day. When I went, I would bring him the news of what had happened that day regarding the instructions and orders, and when he went, he used to do the same for me. We, the people of Quraish, used to have authority over women, but when we came to live with the Ansar, we noticed that the Ansari women had the upper hand over their men, so our women started acquiring the habits of the Ansari women. Once I shouted at my wife and she retorted against me and I disliked that she should answer me back. She said, "Why do you take it ill that I retort upon you? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) retort upon him, and some of them may not speak with him for the whole day till night." What she said scared me and I said to her, "Whoever amongst them does so, will be a great loser." Then I dressed myself and went to Hafsa and asked her, "Does any of you keep Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) angry all the day long till night?" She replied in the affirmative. I said, "She is a ruined losing person (and will never have success)! Doesn't she fear that Allah may get angry for the anger of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and thus she will be ruined? Don't ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) too many things, and don't retort upon him in any case, and don't desert him. Demand from me whatever you like, and don't be tempted to imitate your neighbor (i.e. `Aisha) in her behavior towards the Prophet), for she (i.e. Aisha) is more beautiful than you, and more beloved to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). In those days it was rumored that Ghassan, (a tribe living in Sham) was getting prepared their horses to invade us. My companion went to the Prophet (ﷺ) on the day of his turn, went and returned to us at night and knocked at my door violently, asking whether I was sleeping. I was scared (by the hard knocking) and came out to him. He said that a great thing had happened. I asked him: "What is it? Have Ghassan come?" He replied that it was worse and more serious than that, and added that Allah's Apostle had divorced all his wives. I said, "Hafsa is a ruined loser! I expected that would happen some day." So I dressed myself and offered the Fajr prayer with the Prophet. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) entered an upper room and stayed there alone. I went to Hafsa and found her weeping. I asked her, "Why are you weeping? Didn't I warn you? Has Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) divorced you all? She replied, "I don't know. He is there in the upper room." I then went out and came to the pulpit and found a group of people around it and some of them were weeping. Then I sat with them for some time, but could not endure the situation. So I went to the upper room where the Prophet (ﷺ) was and requested to a black slave of his: "Will you get the permission of (Allah's Apostle) for Umar (to enter)? The slave went in, talked to the Prophet (ﷺ) about it and came out saying, "I mentioned you to him but he did not reply." So, I went and sat with the people who were sitting by the pulpit, but I could not bear the situation, so I went to the slave again and said: "Will you get he permission for Umar? He went in and brought the same reply as before. When I was leaving, behold, the slave called me saying, "Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) has granted you permission." So, I entered upon the Prophet and saw him lying on a mat without wedding on it, and the mat had left its mark on the body of the Prophet, and he was leaning on a leather pillow stuffed with palm fires. I greeted him and while still standing, I said: "Have you divorced your wives?" He raised his eyes to me and replied in the negative. And then while still standing, I said chatting: "Will you heed what I say, 'O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! We, the people of Quraish used to have the upper hand over our women (wives), and when we came to the people whose women had the upper hand over them..." Umar told the whole story (about his wife). "On that the Prophet (ﷺ) smiled." Umar further said, "I then said, "I went to Hafsa and said to her: "Do not be tempted to imitate your companion (`Aisha) for she is more beautiful than you and more beloved to the Prophet.""" The Prophet (ﷺ) smiled again. When I saw him smiling, I sat down and cast a glance at the room, and by Allah, I couldn't see anything of importance but three hides. I said (to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)) "Invoke Allah to make your followers prosperous for the Persians and the Byzantines have been made prosperous and given worldly luxuries, though they do not worship Allah." The Prophet (ﷺ) was leaning then (and on hearing my speech he sat straight) and said, "O Ibn Al-Khattab! Do you have any doubt (that the Hereafter is better than this world)? These people have been given rewards of their good deeds in this world only." I asked the Prophet (ﷺ) "Please ask Allah's forgiveness for me." The Prophet (ﷺ) did not go to his wives because of the secret which Hafsa had disclosed to `Aisha, and he said that he would not go to his wives for one month as he was angry with them when Allah admonished him. When twenty-nine days had passed, the Prophet (ﷺ) went to Aisha first of all. She said to him, "You took an oath that you would not come to us for one month, yet today only twenty-nine days have passed, as I have been counting them day by day." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "The month is also of twenty-nine days." That month consisted of twenty-nine days. `Aisha said, "When the Divine revelation of Choice was revealed, the Prophet (ﷺ) started with me, saying to me, "I am telling you something, but you need not hurry to give the reply till you can consult your parents." `Aisha knew that her parents would not advise her to part with the Prophet (ﷺ) . The Prophet (ﷺ) said that Allah had said: "O Prophet! Say to your wives, "If you desire the life of this world and its glitter, then come! I will make a provision for you and set you free in a handsome manner. But if you seek Allah And His Apostle, and The Home of the Hereafter, then Verily, Allah has prepared For the good-doers amongst you a great reward."" (Qur'an 33:28-29) `Aisha said, "Am I to consult my parents about this? I indeed prefer Allah, His Apostle, and the Home of the Hereafter." After that the Prophet (ﷺ) gave the choice to his other wives and they also gave the same reply as `Aisha did."
This hadith relates back to the divorce of Hafsa RA mentioned earlier. There are several things to note:
Firstly, it's evident that women conform to their social environment; this is noted throughout science literature (source 1, source 2). Umar bin Khattab RA had told Ibn Abbas RA here that the Muslim women, including the wives of the Prophet ﷺ, began mistreating their husbands simply the Ansari women were acting that way towards their husbands. In other words, "everyone else was doing it", so they began conforming to their social environment.
Secondly, the fact that rumors had spread about the Prophet ﷺ divorcing all of his wives rather than just a few or just Hafsa RA does also suggest that it was all of his wives mistreating him. And as indicated by the sentiment of the wife of Umar bin Khattab RA, it does appear that other Muslim women were doing the same.
Thirdly, the Ansar were known to be extremely nice and welcoming people to the Muslims, yet the women treated their husbands terribly as indicated by the very hadith above. This contrasts with the Quraish, whom the Prophet ﷺ said were the best amongst the Arabs. And if you know anything about how Quraish treated their women, you would know that they treated them terribly. Not just that, but Ansari women were known to not be attractive (here's a second source) and were also intensely jealous. It's as if those who were the nicest had the worst women, and those who treated women the worst had the best women. This actually is evidence for when Imam Al Shafi'i, as quoted by Imam Al Ghazali, had said that women will honor you when you insult them, and will insult you when you honor them.
Fourthly, Umar RA said that he expected that the Prophet ﷺ would divorce his wives one day (it’s ambiguous whether he was referring to Hafsa RA alone or all of them; or both with an emphasis on Hafsa) indicating that this wasn't something unanticipated, and that he understands why it did/would have happened. This is a testament to the mistreatment from Muslim women, such that Umar suspected that even someone as kind-hearted and patient and caring as the Prophet ﷺ would divorce his wives/Hafsa RA.
Fifthly, the Prophet ﷺ only had 3 hides. That literally means he wasn't keeping wealth for himself, and that he didn't actually have anything of excess in his own possession like his wives were saying. They wanted more anyway.
A'isha RA was married to the best man in all of history, grew up in Islam with the best generation of Muslims, had a great father, lived in a very conservative society, and got married at a young age. The same is true for Hafsa RA, who had an even stronger father figure. And even they, at times, gave the Prophet ﷺ a hard time (with Hafsa RA doing so enough to get divorced). Food for thought.
Rifa`a divorced his wife whereupon `AbdurRahman bin Az-Zubair Al-Qurazi married her. `Aisha said that the lady (came), wearing a green veil (and complained to her (Aisha) of her husband and showed her a green spot on her skin caused by beating). It was the habit of ladies to support each other, so when Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came, `Aisha said, "I have not seen any woman suffering as much as the believing women. Look! Her skin is greener than her clothes!" When `AbdurRahman heard that his wife had gone to the Prophet, he came with his two sons from another wife. She said, "By Allah! I have done no wrong to him but he is impotent and is as useless to me as this," holding and showing the fringe of her garment, `Abdur-Rahman said, "By Allah, O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! She has told a lie! I am very strong and can satisfy her but she is disobedient and wants to go back to Rifa`a." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, to her, "If that is your intention, then know that it is unlawful for you to remarry Rifa`a unless `Abdur-Rahman has had sexual intercourse with you." Then the Prophet (ﷺ) saw two boys with `Abdur- Rahman and asked (him), "Are these your sons?" On that `AbdurRahman said, "Yes." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "You claim what you claim (i.e.. that he is impotent and/or small)? But by Allah, these boys resemble him as a crow resembles a crow,"
I chose this hadith for a reason—this hadith ties into the previous one. As previously mentioned, women conform to their social environment more readily than men. However, this effect is amplified because women have an extremely strong automatic in-group preference towards other women (source; there are issues I take with this study but I'll address them in another post). In other words, women favor other women, particularly within group settings. This hadith demonstrates this well, as it's essentially a historical document from 1,400 years ago showing this same phenomenon. Here is another hadith describing the same thing happening with the wives of the Prophet SAW; it pertains to the honey situation I talked about in Part 1 when Hafsa RA was divorced.
The lesson in all of this is to realize that women will always favor each other when it comes to gendered issues, and that means that women will never let you hold them accountable as women for the things they do. This is actually where the saying of "never argue with a woman" came from. Some people might be wondering about the other social trope that women hate each other, but you need to understand the circumstances behind it. Women might sabotage each other when it pertains to things that deal solely with each other, but when it comes to general gender-related things (i.e. them as a collective), they will support each other tooth & nail. To put this more technically, they sabotage one another on a within-hierarchy basis but support each other on a between-hierarchy basis.
That aside, other things with this hadith that I'd like to point out is the following:
Notice how the sahaba narrating the hadith said "It was the habit of ladies to support each other, so when Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came, `Aisha said, "I have not seen any woman suffering as much as the believing women. Look! Her skin is greener than her clothes!""; I'm emphasizing the word "so" to showcase that A'isha making her exclamation was because of her natural support for other women. This is important because in addition to confirming the innate female-bias that women naturally have, it demonstrates that what A'isha RA said was hyperbole rather than literal, which is EXACTLY what modern day women do too (some may call women doing this "drama queens'' without realizing that it's only natural for women to be this way). Not to mention, it dispels the myth that Muslim women were/are abused under Islam by islamaphobes when they use this hadith.
The wife complaining about her husband by saying that he's impotent and (sexually) useless, regardless of whether it's true or not, shows that sexual satisfaction to women is VERY important. We can see here through the hadith that if you aren't sexually pleasing them, they will hold it against you just like in our modern times. Therefore it's foolish to believe that women don't care about sex like men do or that maybe she's just "low libido".
Her new husband exposed her statements as being excuses for wanting to go back to her old husband. Her still desiring her previous husband to the point that she gives her new husband a hard time and creates a big fuss in front of the Prophet ﷺ substantiates the veracity of the concept of alpha widows. It's not that there's anything wrong with the guy, it's just that her previous lover gave her an experience of greater magnitude than her current lover, making her long for her previous lover and/or simply not be content with her current lover (example: her previous lover was more of a smooth talker and flirted better than her current lover; this means she will never be content with another man who isn't at least as good, if not better in this regard). This actually is why virginity and chastity are so important for women to have—it's because they will ALWAYS compare you to previous lovers they've had, and sometimes they aren't even aware of it. Once a woman experiences a level of ANYTHING in a sexual/romantic relationship, that will become the new minimum threshold for a man to bear. This is why virgin women are better than non-virgin women (all else being equal).
Jabir bin ‘Abd Allah said “The Apostle of Allah (ﷺ) said to me “Did you marry?” I said “Yes' '. He again said “Virgin or non-virgin (i.e. woman previously married)?” I said “Non-virgin”. He said “Why (did you) not (marry) a virgin with whom you could sport and she could sport with you?
Speaking of virgins being better than non-virgins, we have proof here from the Prophetic Sunnah. The marriage with A'isha RA, the one wife who was a virgin at marriage, was also known to be the best of his marriages that he had except maybe with Khadija RA, so that also is proof too. But anyway, other narrations of this hadith continue and explain that the reason why he married her over a virgin was because he had little sisters whom she could help take care of, whereas a younger woman would have come between him and them (meaning that otherwise he would have preferred marrying a virgin).
I mention this because women will rebuke men for preferring women who are chaste virgins, but it's evident here through the words of the Prophet ﷺ and even his own marriage with A'isha RA that virgin women are simply better than non-virgin women. Plus, it's simply our fitra as men to want a chaste wife. We shouldn't be scolded for this, contrary to what many pop-culture sheikhs and da'is are saying nowadays. Your choice is yours. In the same way women will be selective about not wanting to be with a broke, jobless man, so too do you have the right to be selective about not wanting an immodest, promiscuous woman. Don't ever let women nor society shame you for it.
A'isha reported that (one day) there sat together eleven women making an explicit promise amongst themselves that they would conceal nothing about their spouses. The first one said:My husband is a sort of the meat of a lean camel placed at the top of a hill, which it is difficult to climb up, nor (the meat) is good enough that one finds in oneself the urge to take it away (from the top of that mountain). The second one said: My husband (is so bad) that I am afraid I would not be able to describe his faults-both visible and invisible completely. The third one said: My husband is a long-statured fellow (i.e. he lacks intelligence). If I give vent to my feelings about him, he would divorce me, and if I keep quiet I would be made to live in a state of suspense (neither completely abandoned by him nor entertained as wife). The fourth one said: My husband is like the night of Tihama (the night of Hijaz and Mecca), neither too cold nor hot, neither there is any fear of him nor grief. The fifth one said: My husband is (like) a leopard as he enters the house (i.e. lackadaisical), and behaves like a lion when he gets out (i.e. spirited), and he does not ask about that which he leaves in the house. The sixth one said: So far as my husband is concerned, he eats so much that nothing is left back and when he drinks he drinks that no drop is left behind. And when he lies down he wraps his body and does not touch me so that he may know my grief. The seventh one said: My husband is heavy in spirit, having no brightness in him, impotent, suffering from all kinds of conceivable diseases, heaving such rough manners that he may break my head or wound my body, or may do both. The eighth one said: My husband is as sweet as the sweet-smelling plant, and as soft as the softness of the hare. The ninth one said: My husband is the master of a lofty building, tall, having heaps of ashes (i.e. he is generous with guests) and his house is near the meeting place and the inn. The tenth one said: My husband is Malik, and how fine Malik is, much above appreciation and praise (that I can give). He has many folds of his camel, more in number than the pastures for them (i.e. excess for slaughtering for food). When they (the camels) hear the sound of music they become sure that they are going to be slaughtered. The eleventh one said: My husband is Abu Zara'. How fine Abu Zara' is! He has suspended in my ears heavy ornaments and (fed me liberally) that my sinews and bones are covered with fat. So he made me happy. He found me among the shepherds living in the side of the mountain, and he made me the owner of the horses, camels and lands and heaps of grain and he finds no fault with me. I sleep and get up in the morning (at my own sweet will) and drink to my heart's content. The mother of Abu Zara', how fine is the mother of Abu Zara'! Her bundles are heavily packed (i.e. receptacles in her house are filled to the brim) and the house quite spacious. So far as the son of Abu Zara' is concerned, his bed is as soft as a green palm-stick drawn forth from its bark, or like a sword drawn forth from its scabbard, and whom just an arm of a lamb is enough to satiate. So far as the daughter of Abu Zara' is concerned, how fine is the daughter of Abu Zara', obedient to her father, obedient to her mother, wearing sufficient flesh and a source of jealousy for her co-wife. As for the slave-girl of Abu Zara', how fine is she; she does not disclose our affairs to others (outside the four walls of the house). She does not remove our wheat, or provision, or take it forth, or squander it, but she preserves it faithfully (as a sacred trust). And she does not let the house fill with rubbish. One day Abu Zara' went out (of his house) when the milk was churned in the vessels, that he met a woman, having two children like leopards playing with her pomegranates (chest) under her vest. He divorced me (Umm Zara') and married that woman (whom Abu Zara') met on the way. I (Umm Zara') later on married another person, a chief, who was an expert rider, and a fine archer: he bestowed upon me many gifts and gave me one pair of every kind of animal and said: Umm Zara', make use of everything (you need) and send forth to your parents (but the fact) is that even if I combine all the gifts that he bestowed upon me, they stand no comparison to the least gift of Abu Zara'. A'isha reported that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said to me: I am for you as Abu Zara' was for Umm Zara'.
There are some other things I want to point out: firstly, Umm Zara' came from shepherds living on a mountain, which is the equivalent of poor village girls in today's time (I'm pointing this out to denote that she was very likely a better woman as a wife than most women of that time, hence why she remained bonded to and more appreciative of Abu Zara' more so than other women were to their husbands); secondly, most of the women complained about their husbands. This is important to note because most of Jahannam will be made up of women due to ingratitude towards their husbands and towards kindness in general.
But even more than that, there is yet another proof for the importance of chastity, and why (when all else is equal) virgin women are better than non-virgin women. Umm Zara' married Abu Zara', and after he divorced her, she married another man who was also a great husband who got her tons of gifts, was a powerful chieftain and a great warrior, but she still loved Abu Zara' more, and still is in love with him. In fact, the women were supposed to talk about their husbands, and the first thing Umm Zara' does is talk about her ex-husband lmfao! Not just that, but she talked about Abu Zara' significantly more than her current husband, AND she also referred to Abu Zara' as her husband rather than as her ex-husband in the beginning.
It's very often the case where something sounds like a wonderful story at the end, such as here where men all want to be like Abu Zara', but when you learn to read between the lines a little, you see that things aren't as peachy as they seem. Her new husband gave her everything she wanted in addition to her relatives, too; but in the end, she loved Abu Zara' more. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but regardless, the truth about virginity (especially in women) still stands nonetheless. This concept where a woman longs for/compares her current man to a previous lover is called "alpha widowing", whereby the woman doing this is called an "alpha widow". A woman who is like this is essentially unable to have her hypergamy satisfied by you, and will never desire you as much as her previous lover/lovers unless you are somehow better than that man and/or stimulate her (in any regard) more strongly than he did. We as men all intrinsically understand this (hence why we prefer virgins over promiscuous women) despite modern society trying to make us forget it.
The husband of Barirah was a slave called Mughith. It is as if I can see him walking behind her weeping, with the tears running down onto his beard. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to Al-'Abbas: "O 'Abbas, are you not amazed by the love of Mughith for Barirah and the hatred of Barirah for Mughith?" The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to her: "Why don't you take him back, for he is the father of your child?" She said: "O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me (to do so)?" He said: "I am just interceding." She said: "I have no need of him."
Following in concert with talking about alpha widows, I bring this hadith out because it showcases the futility of trying to get a woman to love you out of pity. Modern western society raises men to do exactly what Mughith did to Barirah: do everything you can to get her attention (i.e. needing her validation), crying out of your supposed "love" for her, follow her around everywhere, try to talk to her and get her attention every chance you can get, etc. and that she'll somehow see "just how much you love her" before feeling bad about it, changing her mind, and loving you.
It's nonsense. No amount of groveling for her will make her want you; it actually confirms in her female psyche that you ARE beneath her and that she's better off without you because you are essentially lowering yourself down and humiliating yourself. You may say that you are doing this as an expression of self-sacrifice, but that's irrelevant because, again, her fitra inevitably sees you "lowering yourself down and humiliating yourself" as you actually being lower on the social hierarchy, as I explained in a previous post of mine (the last paragraph). And unlike men, women can never be attracted to a man they view as beneath them, hence why groveling never works. It goes against their fitra. This also explains the Ansari-Quraishi conundrum earlier, where the Ansari women who were treated better than Quraishi women treated their husbands worse; and also Imam Al Shafi'i's quote that Imam Al Ghazali had cited.
Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Urwa ibn az- Zubayr that a mawla of the tribe of Banu Adi called Zabra told him that she had been the wife of a slave when she was a slave-girl. Then she was set free and she sent a message to Hafsa, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. Hafsa called her and said, "I will tell you something, but I would prefer that you did not act upon it. You have authority over yourself as long as your husband does not have intercourse with you. If he has intercourse with you, you have no authority at all." Therefore she pronounced her divorce from him three times.
Muwatta Malik Book 29, Hadith 27 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
Hafsa RA told a girl who was recently freed that she can leave her husband (who was still a slave) if the marriage wasn't consummated. She also did advise AGAINST this too, but said it's still permissible. The girl who was newly freed decided to leave him anyway. This matters because it demonstrates female hypergamy: no woman wants to be married to a man of lower status than herself. Once she was freed, she no longer wanted to be married to him due to being of higher status than him, since he was still a slave. The lesson here is that no woman wants a man she feels is of lower status than herself, as was the case with Barirah from the hadith above.
We went out with the Prophet (ﷺ) to a garden called Ash-Shaut till we reached two walls between which we sat down. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Sit here," and went in (the garden). The Jauniyya (a lady from Bani Jaun) had been brought and lodged in a house in a date-palm garden in the home of Umaima bint An- Nu`man bin Sharahil, and her wet nurse was with her. When the Prophet (ﷺ) entered upon her, he said to her, "Give me yourself (in marriage) as a gift." She said, "Can a princess give herself in marriage to an ordinary man?" The Prophet (ﷺ) raised his hand to pat her so that she might become tranquil. She said, "I seek refuge with Allah from you." He said, "You have sought refuge with One Who gives refuge. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) came out to us and said, "O Abu Usaid! Give her two white linen dresses to wear and let her go back to her family."
This ties in with the previous hadith; women do NOT want to marry a man of lower status than themselves. This woman literally rejected the Prophet ﷺ in marriage because she thought she was of better status than him. While she may not have known that he was a Prophet of Allah SWT, that is irrelevant to the situation because she rejected him (ﷺ) due to the belief that he was of lower status than her. I mention this because some people may try to use it (i.e. her not knowing he is a Prophet of Allah SWT) as an excuse for her rejecting the Prophet ﷺ in marriage. But if that were the case, then it would stand to mean that the only reason she would be okay with marrying the Prophet ﷺ would be due to his status as a prophet, further demonstrating that hypergamy is innate and inherent within women.
Others may further argue it's also possible that, upon finding out Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is a Messenger of Allah SWT, she'd marry him because it would henceforth mean that he would be good for her due to good character and religion. However, we know that this isn't the case because the character of the Prophet ﷺ was well-known to be the best even before prophethood, and also because she explicitly stated (in this narration of the hadith) that the reason she rejected him was because she felt like she was of higher status than him, meaning that his character and religiosity did not matter because she felt he was of lower status than herself.
In any case, there are several narrations of the hadith; you can read more about it here.
Part 3:
Narrated A'isha RA:The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, "Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer." A'isha said, "Messenger of Allah, when Abu Bakr stands in your place his voice does not reach the ears of the people because of his weeping, so tell Umar to lead the people in prayer." He said, "Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer." A'isha continued, "I told Hafsa to tell him that when Abu Bakr stood in his place his voice did not reach the ears of the people because of his weeping, and that he should tell Umar to lead the people in prayer. Hafsa did so, and the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'You are the companions of Yusuf! (referring to the women who cut their hands when they saw the beauty of Yusuf). Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer!' "A'isha added that Hafsa said to her, "I have never had anything good from you!"
Muwatta Malik Book 9, Hadith 86 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
Here we see how they played more games, whereby A'isha RA tried using Hafsa RA as a workaround to tell the Prophet ﷺ to do something she wanted (have Umar bin Khattab RA lead instead of Abu Bakr RA) after her personal attempt failed. She's not necessarily telling the Prophet ﷺ to do this for sinister reasons, it appears (on the surface) that it's only because she/people can't hear Abu Bakr RA when he recites. However, it's important to note how she did things; firstly, she asked Hafsa RA to say the same thing. This makes it to where she "technically" didn't tell the Prophet ﷺ again but still has him told to do something she wants/wants done in her own way. But in addition to circumventing his (ﷺ) direct annoyance, it creates a social atmosphere of "this is what other people want too" to pressure the Prophet ﷺ into capitulating. Doing these things are notoriously female-like, and one would think that only women in our time do things like this, but it's evident that it's not; perhaps it's because these things are simply apart of female nature.... Secondly, she told Hafsa RA to do it too. While Hafsa and A'isha were very close and it's possible that this was the only reason, it's important to remember that Hafsa's dad was Umar bin Khattab RA; this could have been another influential factor. Thirdly, I want to point out that she was telling the Prophet ﷺ to have Umar lead rather than asking him to. Fourthly, to put things into perspective, they asked specifically for Umar rather than another righteous man like Abu Ubayda ibn al-Jarrah RA, who was one of the possible contenders for Khalifa after the death of the Prophet ﷺ and one of the 10 people who are promised paradise. Why is that? It's because Umar is more self-imposing and has a more commanding presence, and so they naturally see him as more suitable for leading. The Prophet ﷺ calling them "the companions of Yusuf" was for a reason—they respect only what their fitra tells them to respect, and underhanded ploys via whimsical, temperamental proclivities is the essence of the methods they use to get what they want.
This hadith also sounds like stereotypical drama a man has with his wife, too. Like I said before, none of this is alien to us. It's simply how Allah SWT Created women.
Once Umar asked permission to see Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in whose company there were some Quraishi women who were talking to him and asking him for more financial support raising their voices. When Umar asked permission to enter the women got up (quickly) hurrying to screen themselves. When Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) admitted Umar, Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) was smiling, Umar asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! May Allah keep you in happiness always." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "I am astonished at these women who were with me. As soon as they heard your voice, they hastened to screen themselves." Umar said, "O Allah's Apostle! You have more right to be feared by them." Then he addressed (those women) saying, "O enemies of your own souls! Do you fear me and not Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)?" They replied. "Yes, for you are a fearful and fierce man as compared with Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)." On that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said (to Umar), "By Him in Whose Hands my life is, whenever Satan sees you taking a path, he follows a path other than yours."
This is clear as day. The women respected Umar bin Khattab RA more than the Prophet ﷺ, and it's solely due to how Umar is as a person relative to the Prophet ﷺ. You can't say that the Qur'an & Sunnah are all you need when it comes to women because while Umar was a great Muslim, he isn't a prophet.
Iyas ibn Abdullah ibn Abu Dhubab reported the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) as saying: Do not beat Allah's handmaidens, but when Umar came to the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and said: Women have become emboldened towards their husbands, he (the Prophet) gave permission to beat them. Then many women came round the family of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) complaining against their husbands. So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: Many women have gone round Muhammad's family complaining against their husbands. They are not the best among you.
This last one carries over from the previous hadith. It shows how women will only ever respect you if they feel there are real repercussions for their actions (hence why they were more afraid of Umar RA than Prophet Muhammad ﷺ; they simply felt like he was more likely to do something about them). I am not advocating beating your wife; however, I am saying that there must be real repercussions when a woman treats you poorly. Because if a woman doesn't have to respect you, she will never respect you. And women cannot love someone they don't respect. If you allow her to treat you badly, she will continue treating you worse and worse until eventually she's walking all over you (may God Forbid). This is why I said to never be afraid to walk away—it's the one thing that gives you, as a man, power to handle your relationship as you see fit, and do what needs to be done. It stops you from becoming her slave.
And Allah SWT Knows best. I ask Him to Purify my intentions, and I ask Him for His Forgiveness over anything and everything I've said here that may be incorrect, haram, and/or displeasing to Him. I ask Him to Show me the whole Truth and the true, correct view about that which I may be wrong about. And I ask Him to Guide me. Ameen. All things are from Allah SWT.
Links to original posts:
Part 1:
In modern Western society (and many eastern societies now as well), men are indoctrinated to believe that going out of your way to do nice things for a woman is how you show her you love her and that this is what makes women fall in love with you. Mass media perpetuating socially liberal views creates the cultural gynocentrism that enforces this, further inculcating the idea that saying "no" to a woman, directing where the relationship/family is heading, telling a woman off (i.e. disciplining her), and that anything that allows a man to be in a dominant position over a woman (such as leading the relationship, having traditional gender roles, the man doing what he needs to do without necessarily consulting with his wife first for her "approval", etc.), are all bad things that "oppress" women. Unsurprisingly, many Muslim men fall for this propaganda as well and start believing in the faux-moralistic virtues that the West propagates regarding interpersonal relationships between men & women. This typically entails them believing that men wrong women more than the reverse, and that they (along with other men) need to be extra nice in order to act as a counterbalance to the supposed wrongdoings of other men, and also because they genuinely believe that this is what makes a woman attracted to a man.
What they don't realize, however, is that women are far less innocent than they believe. I can bring statistics showcasing these points, but there are still some who will remain in denial by saying that only nonMuslim women are this way, and that it doesn't apply to Muslim women. For many, if I were to bring enough personalized anecdotes from posts/comments of Muslimahs on this website itself, that would be enough to shatter the illusion of innocence. But others will continue remaining in denial by saying that these women are simply not religious (or some other nonsensical excuse), rather than just accept that those tendencies exist in all women.
To demonstrate why those men are wrong, I will bring sources from Islamic scholars and the Salaf themselves in addition to ahadith relating back to the Prophet ﷺ himself to show that these issues are universal and to also shine light on why the standard Western-prescribed perspectives of attracting women are incorrect:
The Prophet (ﷺ) was with one of the Mothers of the Believers (his wives) and another (wife) sent a bowl containing food. She (the first wife) struck the hand of the Messenger of (ﷺ) and the bowl fell and broke. The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) took the two pieces and put them back together, then he started gathering up the food and putting it in (the bowl). He said: 'Your mother was jealous. Eat.' So they ate, and she (the wife who broke the bowl) brought the bowl that was in her house and gave the intact bowl to the Messenger (ﷺ), who left the broken bowl in the house of the one who broke it.
For those who are wondering, it was A'isha who broke the dish of Umm Salamah.
The people used to try to bring their gifts (to the Prophet) on 'Aishah's day, hoping thereby to earn the pleasure of the Messenger of Allah.
The wives of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) were in two groups. One group consisted of `Aisha, Hafsa, Safiyya and Sauda; and the other group consisted of Um Salama and the other wives of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). The Muslims knew that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) loved `Aisha, so if any of them had a gift and wished to give to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), he would delay it, till Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) had come to `Aisha's home and then he would send his gift to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in her home. The group of Um Salama discussed the matter together and decided that Um Salama should request Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) to tell the people to send their gifts to him in whatever wife's house he was. Um Salama told Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) of what they had said, but he did not reply. Then they (those wives) asked Um Salama about it. She said, "He did not say anything to me." They asked her to talk to him again. She talked to him again when she met him on her day, but he gave no reply. When they asked her, she replied that he had given no reply. They said to her, "Talk to him till he gives you a reply." When it was her turn, she talked to him again. He then said to her, "Do not hurt me regarding Aisha, as the Divine Inspirations do not come to me on any of the beds except that of Aisha." On that Um Salama said, "I repent to Allah for hurting you." Then the group of Um Salama called Fatima, the daughter of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and sent her to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) to say to him, "Your wives request to treat them and the daughter of Abu Bakr on equal terms." Then Fatima conveyed the message to him. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "O my daughter! Don't you love whom I love?" She replied in the affirmative and returned and told them of the situation. They requested her to go to him again but she refused. They then sent Zainab bint Jahsh who went to him and used harsh words saying, "Your wives request you to treat them and the daughter of Ibn Abu Quhafa on equal terms." On that she raised her voice and (verbally) abused `Aisha to her face so much so that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) looked at `Aisha to see whether she would retort. `Aisha started replying to Zainab till she silenced her. The Prophet (ﷺ) then looked at `Aisha and said, "She really is the daughter of Abu Bakr."
We can see here that even the Prophet ﷺ still had to deal with female mind games and inter-wife politics (i.e. drama) whereby one wife (or many) would try gaining the favor of the Prophet ﷺ over the others. The fact that his wives were divided into two groups in the first place does seem to indicate that even the most righteous of women are prone to petty antics just the same as other women.
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) used to drink honey in the house of Zainab, the daughter of Jahsh, and would stay there with her. So Hafsa and I agreed secretly that, if he come to either of us, she would say to him. "It seems you have eaten Maghafir (a kind of bad-smelling resin), for I smell in you the smell of Maghafir," (We did so) and he replied. "No, but I was drinking honey in the house of Zainab, the daughter of Jahsh, and I shall never take it again. I have taken an oath as to that, and you should not tell anybody about it."
This is the (in)famous incident that actually led to the first divorce of Hafsa RA and the first 4 Verses in Surat At-Tahrim. The Prophet ﷺ did eventually remarry her though.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) was sitting and we heard a scream and the voices of children. So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) arose, and it was an Ethiopian woman, prancing around while the children played around her. So he said: 'O 'Aishah, come (and) see.' So I came, and I put my chin upon the shoulder of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and I began to watch her from between his shoulder and his head, and he said to me: 'Have you had enough, have you had enough?'" She said: "So I kept saying: 'No,' to see my status with him. Then 'Umar appeared." She said: "So they dispersed." She said: "So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: 'Indeed I see the Shayatin among men and jinn have run from 'Umar.' She said: 'So I returned.'"
How you interpret "to see my status with him" is up to you. However, it's important to note that she was telling the Prophet ﷺ "no" on purpose because she was in essence testing him in order to gauge things. I'm not saying she had sinister ulterior motives or anything like that, I'm just pointing out how her saying "no" to him wasn't really because she didn't want to stop watching them play yet, but was instead because of something else that had to do with her gauging him/her in relation to him/him in relation to her/etc. This is actually evidence of my posts on sh*t tests when I said that it's simply in a woman's fitrah to test men like this. This is further evidenced by the words of Imam al-Ghazali:
Arab women used to teach their daughters to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.”
Book on the Etiquette of Marriage, Chapter 3
Imam al-Ghazali also cites Imam al-Shafi'i as having said:
ثلاثة إن أكرمتهم أهانوك وإن أهنتهم أكرموك المرأة والخادم والنبطي
Which translates to "[There are] three if you honor them, they will insult you, and if you insult them, they will honor you: the woman, the servant, and the Nabataean."
Imam al-Ghazali also cites other interesting quotes:
قال الحسن: "والله ما أصبح رجل يطيع امرأته فيما تهوى إلا كبه الله في النار"
Al Hassan said: "By Allah, no man becomes obedient to his wife in what she desires except [that] Allah will Throw him into the Fire.
وقال عمر رضي الله عنه: "خالفوا النساء فإن في خلافهن البركة." وقد قيل: "شاوروهن وخالفوهن."
'Umar RA said: "Disagree with women (i.e. your wives), for in disagreement with them there is blessing." And it was [also] said [by him]: "Consult them then disagree with them".
" فاستحسن قولها وكان أصحاب رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يسدون الكوى والثقب في الحيطان لئلا تطلع النسوان إلى الرجال ورأى معاذ امرأته تطلع في الكوة فضربها ورأى امرأته قد دفعت إلى غلامه تفاحة قد أكلت منها فضربها."
The companions of the Prophet SAW used to close peepholes and perforations in the wall to prevent women from looking at men. Mu'adh [b. Jabal] saw his wife looking through a peephole, and he struck her; he also saw her giving an apple to his male slave from which she had eaten, and he struck her again.
I find it interesting how women from a conservative society 1,400 years ago would gawk at men, even Muslim women. The common theme society portrays in our time is that creeping perverts are all men, and that women, especially Muslim women, would never act in such ways. Some delude themselves into thinking that women don't have the same desires as men, but the reality as shown above says otherwise. Even if you dispute the hadith, the fact that such a narration even COULD exist demonstrates that such things weren't unfamiliar to the Arabs back then. The truth is that if you don't see them behaving sexually, it doesn't mean that they don't do it or that they have more class than men (or whatever excuse you want to come up with), it just means they don't do it WITH YOU. Women are just as depraved as men, but simply hide it better. But that aside, let's continue...
وروي انه دفعت إحداهن في صدر رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فزبرتها أمها فقال صلى الله عليه وسلم دعيها فإنهن يصنعن اكثر من ذلك
It was also related that one wife pushed the Prophet SAW in the chest, so her mother slapped her. The Prophet SAW said, “Leave her, for they [wives] do worse than that.”
وجرى بينه وبين عائشة كلام حتى أدخلا بينهما أبا بكر رضي الله عنه حكما واستشهده فقال لها رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم تكلمين أو أتكلم فقالت بل تكلم أنت ولا تقل إلا حقا فلطمها أبو بكر حتى دمى فوها وقال يا عدية نفسها أو يقول غير الحق فاستجارت برسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وقعدت خلف ظهره فقال له النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم لم ندعك لهذا ولا أردنا منك هذا
He [the Prophet SAW] and 'A'ishah got into an argument to the point that Abu Bakr was called upon to arbitrate, and the Prophet took him as a witness. So the Prophet SAW said to her, “Are you going to talk, or shall l?” She replied, “You talk, but say only the truth.” Abu Bakr struck her until her mouth bled, and said to her, “Oh enemy of yourself, does he utter anything but the truth?” So she took refuge with the Prophet SAW and sat behind him. The Prophet SAW then told him, “You were not called for this, nor did we desire this of you.”
Like, bruh.
وقالت له مرة في كلام غضبت عنده أنت الذي تزعم أنك نبي الله فتبسم رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم واحتمل ذلك حلما وكرما
She ['A'isha RA] told him once in anger, “And you are the one who claims to be the Prophet of God!” So the Prophet SAW smiled and bore that out of forbearance and kindness.
وكان يقول لها إني لأعرف غضبك من رضاك قالت وكيف تعرفه قال إذا رضيت قلت لا وإله محمد وإذا غضبت قلت لا وإله إبراهيم قالت صدقت إنما أهجر اسمك
He used to say to her, “I know when you are angry and when you are pleased.” To which she replied, “And how do you know it?” He said, “When you are pleased, you say 'No, by the God of Muhammad'; and when you are angry you say, 'No, by the God of Abraham.' “ She said, “You are right; I leave your name out.”
Dalliance, jesting, and playfulness add to the toleration of offense; for these delight the hearts of women.
I mention this because it ties back into my previous posts about sh*t tests, where I stated many times that fun, flirty, lighthearted playfulness is how you build attraction with a woman; it shows that the same things that work on women now also worked on women back then, meaning that all of this stuff we are talking about here on the subreddit is simply apart of female nature rather than a new societal construct.
In any case, I'm not gonna share with you his entire book since you can read it all yourself, but these are some key highlights. I'm going to move on to more hadith and quotes from other scholars now:
Hilal bin Umayyah accused his wife in the presence of the Prophet (ﷺ) of (committing adultery) with Sharik bin Sahma'. The Prophet said: "Bring proof or you will feel the Hadd (punishment) on your back." Hilal bin Umayyah said: "By the One Who sent you with the truth, I am telling the truth, and Allah will send down revelation concerning my situation which will spare my back." Then the following was revealed: "And for those who accuse their wives, but have no witnesses except themselves, let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies (i.e., testifies four times) by Allah that he is one of those who speak the truth. And the fifth (testimony should be) the invoking of the curse of Allah on him if he be of those who tell a lie (against her). But it shall avert the punishment (of stoning to death) from her, if she bears witness four times by Allah, that he (her husband) is telling a lie. And the fifth (testimony) should be that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth." The Prophet (ﷺ), turned and sent for them, and they came. Hilal bin Umayyah stood up and bore witness, and the Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Allah knows that one of you is lying. Will either of you repent?" Then she stood up and affirmed her innocence. On the fifth time, meaning that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth, they said to her: "It will invoke the wrath of Allah." Ibn 'Abbas said: "She hesitated and backed up, until we thought that she was going to recant. Then she said: 'By Allah, I cannot dishonor my people forever.' Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said: 'Wait and see. If she gives birth to a child with black eyes, fleshy buttocks and big calves, then he is the son of Sharik bin Sahma'.' And she gave birth to such a child. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said: 'Had it not the matter been settled by the Book of Allah, I would have punished her severely.' "
Women even back then would cheat on their husbands and lie about it to the whole of the community and to Allah SWT. She says she didn't want her people to be disgraced forever, but it's still clear as day that she cheated.
'Uwaimir came to `Asim bin `Adi who was the chief of Bani Ajlan and said, "What do you say about a man who has found another man with his wife? Should he kill him whereupon you would kill him (i.e. the husband), or what should he do? Please ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) about this matter on my behalf." `Asim then went to the Prophet (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! (And asked him that question) but Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) disliked the question," When 'Uwaimir asked `Asim (about the Prophet's answer) `Asim replied that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) disliked such questions and considered it shameful. "Uwaimir then said, "By Allah, I will not give up asking unless I ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) about it." Uwaimir came (to the Prophet ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! A man has found another man with his wife! Should he kill him whereupon you would kill him (the husband, in Qisas) or what should he do?" Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Allah has revealed regarding you and your wife's case in the Qur'an "So Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) ordered them to perform the measures of Mula'ana according to what Allah had mentioned in His Book. So 'Uwaimir did Mula'ana with her and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! If I kept her I would oppress her." So 'Uwaimir divorced her and so divorce became a tradition after them for those who happened to be involved in a case of Mula'ana. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) then said, "Look! If she (Uwaimir's wife) delivers a black child with deep black large eyes, big hips and fat legs, then I will be of the opinion that 'Uwaimir has spoken the truth; but if she delivers a red child looking like a Wahra then we will consider that 'Uwaimir has told a lie against her." Later on she delivered a child carrying the qualities which Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) had mentioned as a proof for 'Uwaimir's claim; therefore the child was ascribed to its mother henceforth.
Another instance of cheating. These were the sahaba who got cheated on, men who had better character than most people today, with more Islamic knowledge than most Muslims today. And even they got cheated on. And they were cheated on by sahabiyat, women who were also (typically) more virtuous than women of our time. I'm pointing these out because men need to understand that women are not these sweet innocent angels who simply become corrupted through a bad society per se, many of them simply choose to do wrong. Not just that, but I'm also trying to showcase how the fallacy of "all you need is the Qur'an & Sunnah if you want to do well with women and have a happy marriage" is utter nonsense. Men with greater understanding of the Qur'an and Sunnah got cheated on while there are kuffar who have harems. Why is that? It's because fitra exists regardless of religion. Yes, Islam discusses aspects of the fitra and marriage; that does not mean that intersexual dynamics is its focus though. That's why it's foolish to say things like "I don't need the red pill to have a happy marriage, I just need the Qur'an & Sunnah" because it's like saying "I don't need to study biology to understand the human body, I just need the Qur'an & Sunnah". It's ridiculous. The fact that it even says “’Uwaimir divorce divorced her and so divorce became a tradition after then for those who happened to be involved in a case of Mula’ana” literally means that there were cases of women cheating on their husbands after this too. These aren’t just isolated incidents or one-offs.
In any case, there is more commentary on this particular incident:
Mention was made of li'an in the presence of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). And Asim b. 'Adi passed a remark about it and then turned away, and a man of his tribe came to him complaining that he had found a man with his wife, whereupon 'Asim said: I have been taken by my words. He took him to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and told him about the man whom he had found with his wife and this man was a lean, yellow-coloured man with lank hair, and the person who was accused of committing adultery with her (his wife) had fleshy shanks, with wheat complexion and heavy bulk. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: O Allah, make (this case) manifest. And as she gave birth to a child, whose face resembled that person about whom her husband had made mention that he had found her with, and Allah's Messenger (may peace be, upon him) had asked them to invoke curses. A person said to Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with him): Is she (that woman) about whom Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) (said):" If I were to stone anybody without evidence, I would have stoned her"? Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with him) said: No, it is not she. That woman was one who openly spread evil in society.
There was another woman who was the same way (the words "openly spread evil in society" refers to openly committing zina). And keep in mind that all this was back in a conservative Islamic society 1,400 years ago during the time of the Prophet ﷺ.
Understand that female nature has a lot of unpleasant aspects to it that modern society today completely ignores (or blames on men). Because of this, women are seen as morally superior to men and as better people than men, painting this image in our mind that women are always in the right.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "But for the Israelis, meat would not decay and but for Eve, wives would never betray their husbands."
The only comment I can make is that this is evidence that all of what we see is inherent within women. No, I'm not saying women cheating on men is inherent women; I'm saying that the thing that makes one woman do these things (whether cheat, sh*t test, or other) exist in ALL women.
'Aishah, the wife of the Prophet (ﷺ) told him that there were four types of marriage during Pre-Islamic period of Ignorance. One type was similar to that of the present day i.e. a man used to ask somebody else for the hand of a girl under his guardianship or for his daughter's hand, and give her Mahr and then marry her. The second type was that a man would say to his wife after she had become clean from her period. "Send for so-and-so and have sexual intercourse with him." Her husband would then keep away from her and would never sleep with her till she got pregnant from the other man with whom she was sleeping. When her pregnancy became evident, her husband would sleep with her if he wished. Her husband did so (i.e. let his wife sleep with some other man) so that he might have a child of noble breed. Such marriage was called as Al-Istibda'. Another type of marriage was that a group of less than ten men would assemble and enter upon a woman, and all of them would have sexual relation with her. If she became pregnant and delivered a child and some days had passed after delivery, she would sent for all of them and none of them would refuse to come, and when they all gathered before her, she would say to them, "You (all) know what you have done, and now I have given birth to a child. So, it is your child so-and-so!" naming whoever she liked, and her child would follow him and he could not refuse to take him. The fourth type of marriage was that many people would enter upon a lady and she would never refuse anyone who came to her. Those were the prostitutes who used to fix flags at their doors as sign, and he who would wished, could have sexual intercourse with them. If anyone of them got pregnant and delivered a child, then all those men would be gathered for her and they would call the Qa'if (persons skilled in recognizing the likeness of a child to his father) to them and would let the child follow the man (whom they recognized as his father) and she would let him adhere to him and be called his son. The man would not refuse all that. But when Muhammad (ﷺ) was sent with the Truth, he abolished all the types of marriages observed in pre-Islamic period of Ignorance except the type of marriage the people recognize today.
I want to first say Alhamdulillahi Rab al 'alameen that we are not like this today.
Now, while the men were degenerate back then, you have to realize that it was the women who allowed this and openly displayed themselves this way. They willingly chose to do this even though virginity was still greatly more honorable than these other forms of "marriage". I make mention of all this to drive home the point that women are not anywhere near as innocent as modern society makes them out to be and that they never, ever were.
~~~
There is yet another instance I am aware of whereby 'Umar bin Khattab RA was out patrolling the streets one night when he heard a woman sing a poem. The woman was lamenting her husband being away (for jihad) and that had it not been for the fear of Allah SWT in her heart that she would've tried having another lover sleep with her. When he heard this, he was alarmed and went to his daughter Hafsa and asked her how long can a woman remain without her husband. The reports vary the range from anywhere between 3 months and 6 months. Because there are many reports and they differ quite a bit in their wording, I won't quote the exact words, but there is the source:
https://al-maktaba.org/book/31615/18822
~~~
Ibn Umar narrated:"I had a wife whom I loved, but my father disliked her, so he ordered me to divorce her but I refused. I mentioned that to the Prophet and he said: 'O Abdullah bin Umar! Divorce your wife.'"
The context for this was that Abdullah ibn Umar was extremely in love with his wife to the point where his deen started to/was about to falter. This demonstrates that infatuation on part of the man, especially to the point where your deen falters, is not something to do. And with regards to the content talked about on this subreddit, it shows that you as a man should never to love to the point where it controls you. Remember this:
Your life should not revolve around your woman. She is not the woman of your dreams; rather, she is *a* woman in your dreams.
And verily, we find other scholars holding similar opinions:
If a man is (greatly) in love with a woman, even if she was permissible for him, his heart will remain in her captivity. She will be in charge of him and do with him as she pleases. Although he outwardly appears to be her master, because he is her husband, in reality, he is her captive and her possession, especially if she is aware of his unrestricted love and dire need for her, and that (he thinks) she is irreplaceable. Indeed, the captivity of the heart is worse than the captivity of the body, as the enslavement of the heart is worse than the enslavement of the body.
Majmūʿ of ibn Taymiyyah (10/185)
The easiest way to ensure you aren't enslaved to a woman (or to anyone for that matter) is to never be afraid to walk away. Always be able to leave her at the drop of a hat.
The things being said are further corroborated by the saying of 'Umar bin Khattab RA:
Aslam said, "'Umar ibn al-Khattab said, "Do not let your love be a total infatuation. Do not let your anger be destruction." I asked, "How is that?" He replied, "When you love, you are infatuated like a child. When you hate, you desire destruction for your companion.""
Now just to make sure no one gets this confused, this was a saying by 'Umar bin Khattab RA, not the Prophet ﷺ. But it's still great advice regardless.
From the book: ديوان الامام الشافعي ("Poetry Compilation of Imam Al Shafi'i")
إن النساء شياطين خُلقن لنل؛ نعوذ بالله من شر الشياطين
Translation: "Women are devils created for us; We seek refuge in Allah from the evil of devils."
Tafsir ibn Kathir of Qur'an 4:34
اي: لأن الرجل أفضل من النساء، والرجل خير من المراة
Meaning: (This is) because men are better than women, and the man is better than the women.
The first part where men are "better" than women means excelling over women; I want to make this clear since in English, saying that you are "better" than someone else has an insulting and arrogant connotation that does not exist here in the Arabic text. The same goes for the second part, and it also shares a similar meaning except it's inclusive of blessings in an almost entrusting kind of way. It's hard to properly describe, but that's why modern English translations of the tafsir of this Verse are worded the way they are; although they still do tend to be watered down a little bit (hence why I didn't use those translations).
ولهذا كانت النبوة مختصة بالرجال، وكذلك الملك الأعظم
Meaning: That is why prophethood was restricted to men, as well as great kingship.
"Great kingship" is a reference to positions of leadership, particularly political leadership. Ibn Kathir then goes on to quote the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ saying that no nation will succeed if a woman becomes its leader, and that this extends to judiciaries (i.e. appointing women as judges) and others (i.e. other positions of social & political power).
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Many amongst men reached (the level of) perfection but none amongst the women reached this level except Asia, Pharaoh's wife, and Mary, the daughter of `Imran. And no doubt, the superiority of `Aisha to other women is like the superiority of Tharid (i.e. a meat and bread dish) to other meals."
Some people may be offended by the words of ibn Kathir and may say that it is only his opinion that isn't actually related to Islam; however, this hadith above shows that what he had said holds merit.
When we read this stuff, the problem isn't that Islam is sexist or that these men didn't know what they were talking about; the problem is that the social culture of today's time has made it taboo for people, particularly men, to point out faults in women. For example, if he had said the opposite, that women are better than men, no one would care in the slightest. No one would think it's sexist against men or that ibn Kathir is a misandrist or anything of the sort. Some may say that it's because of the circumstance where men dominated the society back then, but this doesn't disprove the "what if" question; what if he was actually right? What if these statements aren't because of some patriarchal notion causing fragile masculinity (or whatever feminists say), what if it's because he's simply telling the truth? This possibility is never explored in the modern day. The reality is that this double standard came from feminism attacking men over perceived discrimination (thereby normalizing misandry), and also by equating criticisms against feminism as sexism against women (even if the criticisms were valid, thereby stifling any discussion about feministic wrongs).
These people aren't sexist; the Prophet ﷺ isn't sexist. He actually went against the culture of his time regarding women, yet still said these things anyway. Perhaps these things really are true. If you can't accept the possibility that there are unpleasant truths about women, ask yourself why. It's very likely that you've succumbed to Western propaganda regarding gender dynamics.
Then, I looked into the condition of women. I found that women in general are not religious and extremely ignorant. They seem to know nothing about the Hereafter, except for those whom Allah guarded from such a trial.
Ibn al-Jawzi (Captured Thoughts, Chapter 31, p. 162)
Notice how Ibn al-Jawzi singles out women as a particular group? Women as women knew little about the deen nor were they religious, and this was also before the Mongols sacked Baghdad (the city in which Ibn al-Jawzi was from) meaning it was during the Golden Age of Islam. I bring forth his statement here because it acts as demonstrable evidence for the veracity of the hadith immediately above it; someone who lived during the Golden Age of Islam (arguably the best time period in history for Muslims) who was also alive 500-600 years after the Prophet ﷺ (meaning he comes from a different era than the Prophet ﷺ) had made an observation that coincides with what the Prophet ﷺ had said (i.e. that very few women reach the level of religious perfection).
Yahya related to me from Malik from Yahya ibn Said from Amra bint Abd ar-Rahman that A'isha, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "If the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, had seen what women do now, he would have forbidden them to go into the mosques, just as the women of the Bani Israil were forbidden."Yahya ibn Said said that he asked Amra, "Were the women of the Bani Israil forbidden to go into the mosques?" and she said, "Yes."
Muwatta Malik Book 14, Hadith 15 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
This is A'isha RA, wife of the Prophet ﷺ and a woman herself, saying this about the women of her time, about other sahabiyat. These were the salaf, the best generation of Muslims, too. Is it still just sexist and misogynistic men who make these claims? I think not. And those who continue to say so, you are slandering good people with great character to avoid confronting these truths so that you can continue lying to yourself about the reality of what Allah SWT Decrees for the sexes.
I heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) say: Don't prevent your women from going to the mosque when they seek your permission. Bilal b. 'Abdullah said: By Allah, we shall certainly prevent them. On this 'Abdullah b. Umar turned towards him and reprimanded him harshly as I had never heard him do before. He ('Abdullah b. Umar) said: I am narrating to you that which comes from the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and you (have the audacity) to say: By Allah, we shall certainly prevent them.
Here, we see how things have gotten so bad to the point that Bilal bin Abdullah, the grandson of 'Umar bin Khattab RA, swore by Allah SWT that they would continue to prevent women from going to the masjid in spite of what the Prophet ﷺ had said. This hadith and the hadith with A'isha RA refer to the same thing—that the women have begun to turn corrupt.
This is actually why 'Umar bin Khattab RA banned women from the masjid outside of the 5 obligatory prayers (I recall reading elsewhere that they were also allowed for taraweeh but I cannot confirm the veracity of that).
Anas (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) had nine wives. So when he divided (his stay) with them, the turn of the first wife did not come but on the ninth (day). They (all the wives) used to gather every night in the house of one where he had to come (and stay that night). It was (the night when he had to stay) in the house of 'A'isha (Allah be pleased with her), when Zainab came there. He (the Prophet ﷺ) stretched his hand towards her (Zainab), whereupon she ('A'isha) said:"It is Zainab". Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) withdrew his hand. There was an altercation between the two (women) until their voices became loud (and it was at that time) when Iqama was announced for prayer. There happened to come Abu Bakr and he heard their voices and said: Messenger of Allah, (kindly) come for prayer, and throw dust in their mouths. So the Prophet (ﷺ) went out. 'A'isha said: When Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) would finish his prayer there would also come Abu Bakr and he would do as he does (on such occasions, i.e. reprimanding). When Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) had finished his prayer, Abu Bakr came to her ('A'isha), and spoke to her in stern words and said: Do you behave like this?
Standard catfight. They basically argued so much that even after the Prophet ﷺ and Abu Bakr RA left for prayer and returned, they were still arguing (and loudly at that, too). In addition, when the Prophet ﷺ outstretched his hand to Zainab RA (to welcome her), 'A'isha RA said "It is Zainab" (with stark disapproval) as if to say it's something bad, hence why they began fighting/arguing.
I mean honestly, this is starting to sound like cliche girl dramas that you see on TV. It's not alien to us.
Part 2:
Abu Bakr (RA) came and sought permission to see Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). He found people sitting at his door and none amongst them had been granted permission, but it was granted to Abu Bakr and he went in. Then came Umar and he sought permission and it was granted to him, and he found Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) sitting sad and silent with his wives around him. He (Umar) said: "I would say something which would make the Prophet (ﷺ) laugh, so he said: Messenger of Allah, I wish you had seen (the treatment meted out to) the daughter of Khadija when you asked me some money", and I got up and slapped her on her neck. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) laughed and said: "They are around me as you see, asking for extra money." Abu Bakr (RA) then got up went to A'isha (RA) and slapped her on the neck, and Umar stood up before Hafsa and slapped her saying: "You ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) which he does not possess". They said: "By Allah, we do not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) for anything he does not possess". Then he withdrew from them for a month or for twenty-nine days. Then this Verse was revealed to him: "Prophet: Say to thy wives... for a mighty reward" (Qur'an 33:28-29). He then went first to A'isha (RA) and said: "I want to propound something to you, A'isha, but wish no hasty reply before you consult your parents." She said: "Messenger of Allah, what is that?" He (ﷺ) recited to her the Verse, whereupon she said: "Is it about you that I should consult my parents, Messenger of Allah? Nay, I choose Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Abode; but I ask you not to tell any of your wives what I have said." He replied: "Not one of them will ask me without my informing her. God did not send me to be harsh, or cause harm, but He has sent me to teach and make things easy."
Here, the wives of the Prophet ﷺ were asking for more money. The reason for it was due to materialistic reasons. It happened during a time when the financial state of Muslims back then improved. What's interesting is that prior to this, the wives of the Prophet ﷺ were arguably fine with the way they lived. But afterwards, that's when they felt like they deserved more, particularly because the Prophet ﷺ being in charge of the wealth meant that he was the one who handled it. This is likely why they swore by Allah SWT that the Prophet ﷺ had more money. The thing is, the Prophet ﷺ had a duty to others before himself; that means distributing the money to those in need first. The purpose of prophethood isn't to use/abuse it as a status symbol for personal gain, so just because there is an influx of wealth doesn't mean you can become more materialistic via nepotism through the Prophet ﷺ. Now, I'm not accusing the Mothers of the Believers of having sinister intentions or anything like that, I'm simply trying to give insight into the minds & nature of women by demonstrating through the Seerah that they were still human. If the Mothers of the Believers, the best of women, still had these patterns of behavior, then understand that women as a whole simply cannot help but be this way.
There's also something else to note here—A'isha RA said to not tell the other wives of her own decision. Why? It's because she didn't want her choice of staying with the Prophet SAW to sway his other wives into staying too. When noting the female inter-wife politics, we see that her making this request was an attempt to keep the Prophet ﷺ all to herself (which is understandable, but also shows how the minds of women function in a way not really discussed in the modern era: they all play create ploys/schemes to get what they want, and it is inherent within them to do so). Even more, she did this when tensions between her and the Prophet ﷺ were at an all-time high, when their relationship was most strained (he literally asked them if they wanted a divorce due to everything). And even despite this, she tries scheming anyway. If this isn't proof that all this is apart of women's fitra, then I don't know what is.
I had been eager to ask Umar about the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) regarding whom Allah said (in the Qur'an): "If you two (wives i.e. Aisha and Hafsa) turn in repentance to Allah (it is best for you) for your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet (ﷺ) likes)" (Qur'an 66:4), till I performed the Hajj along with Umar (and on our way back from Hajj) he went aside (to answer the call of nature) and I also went aside along with him carrying a tumbler of water. When he had answered the call of nature and returned. I poured water on his hands from the tumbler and he performed ablution. I said, "O Chief of the believers! Who were the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) to whom Allah said: "If you two return in repentance (Qur'an 6:44)"?" He said, "I am astonished at your question, O Ibn `Abbas. They were Aisha and Hafsa." Then Umar went on relating the narration and said: "I and an Ansari neighbor of mine from Bani Umaiya bin Zaid who used to live in Awali Al-Medina, used to visit the Prophet (ﷺ) in turns. He used to go one day, and I another day. When I went, I would bring him the news of what had happened that day regarding the instructions and orders, and when he went, he used to do the same for me. We, the people of Quraish, used to have authority over women, but when we came to live with the Ansar, we noticed that the Ansari women had the upper hand over their men, so our women started acquiring the habits of the Ansari women. Once I shouted at my wife and she retorted against me and I disliked that she should answer me back. She said, "Why do you take it ill that I retort upon you? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) retort upon him, and some of them may not speak with him for the whole day till night." What she said scared me and I said to her, "Whoever amongst them does so, will be a great loser." Then I dressed myself and went to Hafsa and asked her, "Does any of you keep Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) angry all the day long till night?" She replied in the affirmative. I said, "She is a ruined losing person (and will never have success)! Doesn't she fear that Allah may get angry for the anger of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and thus she will be ruined? Don't ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) too many things, and don't retort upon him in any case, and don't desert him. Demand from me whatever you like, and don't be tempted to imitate your neighbor (i.e. `Aisha) in her behavior towards the Prophet), for she (i.e. Aisha) is more beautiful than you, and more beloved to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). In those days it was rumored that Ghassan, (a tribe living in Sham) was getting prepared their horses to invade us. My companion went to the Prophet (ﷺ) on the day of his turn, went and returned to us at night and knocked at my door violently, asking whether I was sleeping. I was scared (by the hard knocking) and came out to him. He said that a great thing had happened. I asked him: "What is it? Have Ghassan come?" He replied that it was worse and more serious than that, and added that Allah's Apostle had divorced all his wives. I said, "Hafsa is a ruined loser! I expected that would happen some day." So I dressed myself and offered the Fajr prayer with the Prophet. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) entered an upper room and stayed there alone. I went to Hafsa and found her weeping. I asked her, "Why are you weeping? Didn't I warn you? Has Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) divorced you all? She replied, "I don't know. He is there in the upper room." I then went out and came to the pulpit and found a group of people around it and some of them were weeping. Then I sat with them for some time, but could not endure the situation. So I went to the upper room where the Prophet (ﷺ) was and requested to a black slave of his: "Will you get the permission of (Allah's Apostle) for Umar (to enter)? The slave went in, talked to the Prophet (ﷺ) about it and came out saying, "I mentioned you to him but he did not reply." So, I went and sat with the people who were sitting by the pulpit, but I could not bear the situation, so I went to the slave again and said: "Will you get he permission for Umar? He went in and brought the same reply as before. When I was leaving, behold, the slave called me saying, "Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) has granted you permission." So, I entered upon the Prophet and saw him lying on a mat without wedding on it, and the mat had left its mark on the body of the Prophet, and he was leaning on a leather pillow stuffed with palm fires. I greeted him and while still standing, I said: "Have you divorced your wives?" He raised his eyes to me and replied in the negative. And then while still standing, I said chatting: "Will you heed what I say, 'O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! We, the people of Quraish used to have the upper hand over our women (wives), and when we came to the people whose women had the upper hand over them..." Umar told the whole story (about his wife). "On that the Prophet (ﷺ) smiled." Umar further said, "I then said, "I went to Hafsa and said to her: "Do not be tempted to imitate your companion (`Aisha) for she is more beautiful than you and more beloved to the Prophet.""" The Prophet (ﷺ) smiled again. When I saw him smiling, I sat down and cast a glance at the room, and by Allah, I couldn't see anything of importance but three hides. I said (to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)) "Invoke Allah to make your followers prosperous for the Persians and the Byzantines have been made prosperous and given worldly luxuries, though they do not worship Allah." The Prophet (ﷺ) was leaning then (and on hearing my speech he sat straight) and said, "O Ibn Al-Khattab! Do you have any doubt (that the Hereafter is better than this world)? These people have been given rewards of their good deeds in this world only." I asked the Prophet (ﷺ) "Please ask Allah's forgiveness for me." The Prophet (ﷺ) did not go to his wives because of the secret which Hafsa had disclosed to `Aisha, and he said that he would not go to his wives for one month as he was angry with them when Allah admonished him. When twenty-nine days had passed, the Prophet (ﷺ) went to Aisha first of all. She said to him, "You took an oath that you would not come to us for one month, yet today only twenty-nine days have passed, as I have been counting them day by day." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "The month is also of twenty-nine days." That month consisted of twenty-nine days. `Aisha said, "When the Divine revelation of Choice was revealed, the Prophet (ﷺ) started with me, saying to me, "I am telling you something, but you need not hurry to give the reply till you can consult your parents." `Aisha knew that her parents would not advise her to part with the Prophet (ﷺ) . The Prophet (ﷺ) said that Allah had said: "O Prophet! Say to your wives, "If you desire the life of this world and its glitter, then come! I will make a provision for you and set you free in a handsome manner. But if you seek Allah And His Apostle, and The Home of the Hereafter, then Verily, Allah has prepared For the good-doers amongst you a great reward."" (Qur'an 33:28-29) `Aisha said, "Am I to consult my parents about this? I indeed prefer Allah, His Apostle, and the Home of the Hereafter." After that the Prophet (ﷺ) gave the choice to his other wives and they also gave the same reply as `Aisha did."
This hadith relates back to the divorce of Hafsa RA mentioned earlier. There are several things to note:
Firstly, it's evident that women conform to their social environment; this is noted throughout science literature (source 1, source 2). Umar bin Khattab RA had told Ibn Abbas RA here that the Muslim women, including the wives of the Prophet ﷺ, began mistreating their husbands simply the Ansari women were acting that way towards their husbands. In other words, "everyone else was doing it", so they began conforming to their social environment.
Secondly, the fact that rumors had spread about the Prophet ﷺ divorcing all of his wives rather than just a few or just Hafsa RA does also suggest that it was all of his wives mistreating him. And as indicated by the sentiment of the wife of Umar bin Khattab RA, it does appear that other Muslim women were doing the same.
Thirdly, the Ansar were known to be extremely nice and welcoming people to the Muslims, yet the women treated their husbands terribly as indicated by the very hadith above. This contrasts with the Quraish, whom the Prophet ﷺ said were the best amongst the Arabs. And if you know anything about how Quraish treated their women, you would know that they treated them terribly. Not just that, but Ansari women were known to not be attractive (here's a second source) and were also intensely jealous. It's as if those who were the nicest had the worst women, and those who treated women the worst had the best women. This actually is evidence for when Imam Al Shafi'i, as quoted by Imam Al Ghazali, had said that women will honor you when you insult them, and will insult you when you honor them.
Fourthly, Umar RA said that he expected that the Prophet ﷺ would divorce his wives one day (it’s ambiguous whether he was referring to Hafsa RA alone or all of them; or both with an emphasis on Hafsa) indicating that this wasn't something unanticipated, and that he understands why it did/would have happened. This is a testament to the mistreatment from Muslim women, such that Umar suspected that even someone as kind-hearted and patient and caring as the Prophet ﷺ would divorce his wives/Hafsa RA.
Fifthly, the Prophet ﷺ only had 3 hides. That literally means he wasn't keeping wealth for himself, and that he didn't actually have anything of excess in his own possession like his wives were saying. They wanted more anyway.
A'isha RA was married to the best man in all of history, grew up in Islam with the best generation of Muslims, had a great father, lived in a very conservative society, and got married at a young age. The same is true for Hafsa RA, who had an even stronger father figure. And even they, at times, gave the Prophet ﷺ a hard time (with Hafsa RA doing so enough to get divorced). Food for thought.
Rifa`a divorced his wife whereupon `AbdurRahman bin Az-Zubair Al-Qurazi married her. `Aisha said that the lady (came), wearing a green veil (and complained to her (Aisha) of her husband and showed her a green spot on her skin caused by beating). It was the habit of ladies to support each other, so when Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came, `Aisha said, "I have not seen any woman suffering as much as the believing women. Look! Her skin is greener than her clothes!" When `AbdurRahman heard that his wife had gone to the Prophet, he came with his two sons from another wife. She said, "By Allah! I have done no wrong to him but he is impotent and is as useless to me as this," holding and showing the fringe of her garment, `Abdur-Rahman said, "By Allah, O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! She has told a lie! I am very strong and can satisfy her but she is disobedient and wants to go back to Rifa`a." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, to her, "If that is your intention, then know that it is unlawful for you to remarry Rifa`a unless `Abdur-Rahman has had sexual intercourse with you." Then the Prophet (ﷺ) saw two boys with `Abdur- Rahman and asked (him), "Are these your sons?" On that `AbdurRahman said, "Yes." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "You claim what you claim (i.e.. that he is impotent and/or small)? But by Allah, these boys resemble him as a crow resembles a crow,"
I chose this hadith for a reason—this hadith ties into the previous one. As previously mentioned, women conform to their social environment more readily than men. However, this effect is amplified because women have an extremely strong automatic in-group preference towards other women (source; there are issues I take with this study but I'll address them in another post). In other words, women favor other women, particularly within group settings. This hadith demonstrates this well, as it's essentially a historical document from 1,400 years ago showing this same phenomenon. Here is another hadith describing the same thing happening with the wives of the Prophet SAW; it pertains to the honey situation I talked about in Part 1 when Hafsa RA was divorced.
The lesson in all of this is to realize that women will always favor each other when it comes to gendered issues, and that means that women will never let you hold them accountable as women for the things they do. This is actually where the saying of "never argue with a woman" came from. Some people might be wondering about the other social trope that women hate each other, but you need to understand the circumstances behind it. Women might sabotage each other when it pertains to things that deal solely with each other, but when it comes to general gender-related things (i.e. them as a collective), they will support each other tooth & nail. To put this more technically, they sabotage one another on a within-hierarchy basis but support each other on a between-hierarchy basis.
That aside, other things with this hadith that I'd like to point out is the following:
Notice how the sahaba narrating the hadith said "It was the habit of ladies to support each other, so when Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came, `Aisha said, "I have not seen any woman suffering as much as the believing women. Look! Her skin is greener than her clothes!""; I'm emphasizing the word "so" to showcase that A'isha making her exclamation was because of her natural support for other women. This is important because in addition to confirming the innate female-bias that women naturally have, it demonstrates that what A'isha RA said was hyperbole rather than literal, which is EXACTLY what modern day women do too (some may call women doing this "drama queens'' without realizing that it's only natural for women to be this way). Not to mention, it dispels the myth that Muslim women were/are abused under Islam by islamaphobes when they use this hadith.
The wife complaining about her husband by saying that he's impotent and (sexually) useless, regardless of whether it's true or not, shows that sexual satisfaction to women is VERY important. We can see here through the hadith that if you aren't sexually pleasing them, they will hold it against you just like in our modern times. Therefore it's foolish to believe that women don't care about sex like men do or that maybe she's just "low libido".
Her new husband exposed her statements as being excuses for wanting to go back to her old husband. Her still desiring her previous husband to the point that she gives her new husband a hard time and creates a big fuss in front of the Prophet ﷺ substantiates the veracity of the concept of alpha widows. It's not that there's anything wrong with the guy, it's just that her previous lover gave her an experience of greater magnitude than her current lover, making her long for her previous lover and/or simply not be content with her current lover (example: her previous lover was more of a smooth talker and flirted better than her current lover; this means she will never be content with another man who isn't at least as good, if not better in this regard). This actually is why virginity and chastity are so important for women to have—it's because they will ALWAYS compare you to previous lovers they've had, and sometimes they aren't even aware of it. Once a woman experiences a level of ANYTHING in a sexual/romantic relationship, that will become the new minimum threshold for a man to bear. This is why virgin women are better than non-virgin women (all else being equal).
Jabir bin ‘Abd Allah said “The Apostle of Allah (ﷺ) said to me “Did you marry?” I said “Yes' '. He again said “Virgin or non-virgin (i.e. woman previously married)?” I said “Non-virgin”. He said “Why (did you) not (marry) a virgin with whom you could sport and she could sport with you?
Speaking of virgins being better than non-virgins, we have proof here from the Prophetic Sunnah. The marriage with A'isha RA, the one wife who was a virgin at marriage, was also known to be the best of his marriages that he had except maybe with Khadija RA, so that also is proof too. But anyway, other narrations of this hadith continue and explain that the reason why he married her over a virgin was because he had little sisters whom she could help take care of, whereas a younger woman would have come between him and them (meaning that otherwise he would have preferred marrying a virgin).
I mention this because women will rebuke men for preferring women who are chaste virgins, but it's evident here through the words of the Prophet ﷺ and even his own marriage with A'isha RA that virgin women are simply better than non-virgin women. Plus, it's simply our fitra as men to want a chaste wife. We shouldn't be scolded for this, contrary to what many pop-culture sheikhs and da'is are saying nowadays. Your choice is yours. In the same way women will be selective about not wanting to be with a broke, jobless man, so too do you have the right to be selective about not wanting an immodest, promiscuous woman. Don't ever let women nor society shame you for it.
A'isha reported that (one day) there sat together eleven women making an explicit promise amongst themselves that they would conceal nothing about their spouses. The first one said:My husband is a sort of the meat of a lean camel placed at the top of a hill, which it is difficult to climb up, nor (the meat) is good enough that one finds in oneself the urge to take it away (from the top of that mountain). The second one said: My husband (is so bad) that I am afraid I would not be able to describe his faults-both visible and invisible completely. The third one said: My husband is a long-statured fellow (i.e. he lacks intelligence). If I give vent to my feelings about him, he would divorce me, and if I keep quiet I would be made to live in a state of suspense (neither completely abandoned by him nor entertained as wife). The fourth one said: My husband is like the night of Tihama (the night of Hijaz and Mecca), neither too cold nor hot, neither there is any fear of him nor grief. The fifth one said: My husband is (like) a leopard as he enters the house (i.e. lackadaisical), and behaves like a lion when he gets out (i.e. spirited), and he does not ask about that which he leaves in the house. The sixth one said: So far as my husband is concerned, he eats so much that nothing is left back and when he drinks he drinks that no drop is left behind. And when he lies down he wraps his body and does not touch me so that he may know my grief. The seventh one said: My husband is heavy in spirit, having no brightness in him, impotent, suffering from all kinds of conceivable diseases, heaving such rough manners that he may break my head or wound my body, or may do both. The eighth one said: My husband is as sweet as the sweet-smelling plant, and as soft as the softness of the hare. The ninth one said: My husband is the master of a lofty building, tall, having heaps of ashes (i.e. he is generous with guests) and his house is near the meeting place and the inn. The tenth one said: My husband is Malik, and how fine Malik is, much above appreciation and praise (that I can give). He has many folds of his camel, more in number than the pastures for them (i.e. excess for slaughtering for food). When they (the camels) hear the sound of music they become sure that they are going to be slaughtered. The eleventh one said: My husband is Abu Zara'. How fine Abu Zara' is! He has suspended in my ears heavy ornaments and (fed me liberally) that my sinews and bones are covered with fat. So he made me happy. He found me among the shepherds living in the side of the mountain, and he made me the owner of the horses, camels and lands and heaps of grain and he finds no fault with me. I sleep and get up in the morning (at my own sweet will) and drink to my heart's content. The mother of Abu Zara', how fine is the mother of Abu Zara'! Her bundles are heavily packed (i.e. receptacles in her house are filled to the brim) and the house quite spacious. So far as the son of Abu Zara' is concerned, his bed is as soft as a green palm-stick drawn forth from its bark, or like a sword drawn forth from its scabbard, and whom just an arm of a lamb is enough to satiate. So far as the daughter of Abu Zara' is concerned, how fine is the daughter of Abu Zara', obedient to her father, obedient to her mother, wearing sufficient flesh and a source of jealousy for her co-wife. As for the slave-girl of Abu Zara', how fine is she; she does not disclose our affairs to others (outside the four walls of the house). She does not remove our wheat, or provision, or take it forth, or squander it, but she preserves it faithfully (as a sacred trust). And she does not let the house fill with rubbish. One day Abu Zara' went out (of his house) when the milk was churned in the vessels, that he met a woman, having two children like leopards playing with her pomegranates (chest) under her vest. He divorced me (Umm Zara') and married that woman (whom Abu Zara') met on the way. I (Umm Zara') later on married another person, a chief, who was an expert rider, and a fine archer: he bestowed upon me many gifts and gave me one pair of every kind of animal and said: Umm Zara', make use of everything (you need) and send forth to your parents (but the fact) is that even if I combine all the gifts that he bestowed upon me, they stand no comparison to the least gift of Abu Zara'. A'isha reported that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said to me: I am for you as Abu Zara' was for Umm Zara'.
There are some other things I want to point out: firstly, Umm Zara' came from shepherds living on a mountain, which is the equivalent of poor village girls in today's time (I'm pointing this out to denote that she was very likely a better woman as a wife than most women of that time, hence why she remained bonded to and more appreciative of Abu Zara' more so than other women were to their husbands); secondly, most of the women complained about their husbands. This is important to note because most of Jahannam will be made up of women due to ingratitude towards their husbands and towards kindness in general.
But even more than that, there is yet another proof for the importance of chastity, and why (when all else is equal) virgin women are better than non-virgin women. Umm Zara' married Abu Zara', and after he divorced her, she married another man who was also a great husband who got her tons of gifts, was a powerful chieftain and a great warrior, but she still loved Abu Zara' more, and still is in love with him. In fact, the women were supposed to talk about their husbands, and the first thing Umm Zara' does is talk about her ex-husband lmfao! Not just that, but she talked about Abu Zara' significantly more than her current husband, AND she also referred to Abu Zara' as her husband rather than as her ex-husband in the beginning.
It's very often the case where something sounds like a wonderful story at the end, such as here where men all want to be like Abu Zara', but when you learn to read between the lines a little, you see that things aren't as peachy as they seem. Her new husband gave her everything she wanted in addition to her relatives, too; but in the end, she loved Abu Zara' more. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but regardless, the truth about virginity (especially in women) still stands nonetheless. This concept where a woman longs for/compares her current man to a previous lover is called "alpha widowing", whereby the woman doing this is called an "alpha widow". A woman who is like this is essentially unable to have her hypergamy satisfied by you, and will never desire you as much as her previous lover/lovers unless you are somehow better than that man and/or stimulate her (in any regard) more strongly than he did. We as men all intrinsically understand this (hence why we prefer virgins over promiscuous women) despite modern society trying to make us forget it.
The husband of Barirah was a slave called Mughith. It is as if I can see him walking behind her weeping, with the tears running down onto his beard. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to Al-'Abbas: "O 'Abbas, are you not amazed by the love of Mughith for Barirah and the hatred of Barirah for Mughith?" The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to her: "Why don't you take him back, for he is the father of your child?" She said: "O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me (to do so)?" He said: "I am just interceding." She said: "I have no need of him."
Following in concert with talking about alpha widows, I bring this hadith out because it showcases the futility of trying to get a woman to love you out of pity. Modern western society raises men to do exactly what Mughith did to Barirah: do everything you can to get her attention (i.e. needing her validation), crying out of your supposed "love" for her, follow her around everywhere, try to talk to her and get her attention every chance you can get, etc. and that she'll somehow see "just how much you love her" before feeling bad about it, changing her mind, and loving you.
It's nonsense. No amount of groveling for her will make her want you; it actually confirms in her female psyche that you ARE beneath her and that she's better off without you because you are essentially lowering yourself down and humiliating yourself. You may say that you are doing this as an expression of self-sacrifice, but that's irrelevant because, again, her fitra inevitably sees you "lowering yourself down and humiliating yourself" as you actually being lower on the social hierarchy, as I explained in a previous post of mine (the last paragraph). And unlike men, women can never be attracted to a man they view as beneath them, hence why groveling never works. It goes against their fitra. This also explains the Ansari-Quraishi conundrum earlier, where the Ansari women who were treated better than Quraishi women treated their husbands worse; and also Imam Al Shafi'i's quote that Imam Al Ghazali had cited.
Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Urwa ibn az- Zubayr that a mawla of the tribe of Banu Adi called Zabra told him that she had been the wife of a slave when she was a slave-girl. Then she was set free and she sent a message to Hafsa, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. Hafsa called her and said, "I will tell you something, but I would prefer that you did not act upon it. You have authority over yourself as long as your husband does not have intercourse with you. If he has intercourse with you, you have no authority at all." Therefore she pronounced her divorce from him three times.
Muwatta Malik Book 29, Hadith 27 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
Hafsa RA told a girl who was recently freed that she can leave her husband (who was still a slave) if the marriage wasn't consummated. She also did advise AGAINST this too, but said it's still permissible. The girl who was newly freed decided to leave him anyway. This matters because it demonstrates female hypergamy: no woman wants to be married to a man of lower status than herself. Once she was freed, she no longer wanted to be married to him due to being of higher status than him, since he was still a slave. The lesson here is that no woman wants a man she feels is of lower status than herself, as was the case with Barirah from the hadith above.
We went out with the Prophet (ﷺ) to a garden called Ash-Shaut till we reached two walls between which we sat down. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Sit here," and went in (the garden). The Jauniyya (a lady from Bani Jaun) had been brought and lodged in a house in a date-palm garden in the home of Umaima bint An- Nu`man bin Sharahil, and her wet nurse was with her. When the Prophet (ﷺ) entered upon her, he said to her, "Give me yourself (in marriage) as a gift." She said, "Can a princess give herself in marriage to an ordinary man?" The Prophet (ﷺ) raised his hand to pat her so that she might become tranquil. She said, "I seek refuge with Allah from you." He said, "You have sought refuge with One Who gives refuge. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) came out to us and said, "O Abu Usaid! Give her two white linen dresses to wear and let her go back to her family."
This ties in with the previous hadith; women do NOT want to marry a man of lower status than themselves. This woman literally rejected the Prophet ﷺ in marriage because she thought she was of better status than him. While she may not have known that he was a Prophet of Allah SWT, that is irrelevant to the situation because she rejected him (ﷺ) due to the belief that he was of lower status than her. I mention this because some people may try to use it (i.e. her not knowing he is a Prophet of Allah SWT) as an excuse for her rejecting the Prophet ﷺ in marriage. But if that were the case, then it would stand to mean that the only reason she would be okay with marrying the Prophet ﷺ would be due to his status as a prophet, further demonstrating that hypergamy is innate and inherent within women.
Others may further argue it's also possible that, upon finding out Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is a Messenger of Allah SWT, she'd marry him because it would henceforth mean that he would be good for her due to good character and religion. However, we know that this isn't the case because the character of the Prophet ﷺ was well-known to be the best even before prophethood, and also because she explicitly stated (in this narration of the hadith) that the reason she rejected him was because she felt like she was of higher status than him, meaning that his character and religiosity did not matter because she felt he was of lower status than herself.
In any case, there are several narrations of the hadith; you can read more about it here.
Part 3:
Narrated A'isha RA:The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, "Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer." A'isha said, "Messenger of Allah, when Abu Bakr stands in your place his voice does not reach the ears of the people because of his weeping, so tell Umar to lead the people in prayer." He said, "Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer." A'isha continued, "I told Hafsa to tell him that when Abu Bakr stood in his place his voice did not reach the ears of the people because of his weeping, and that he should tell Umar to lead the people in prayer. Hafsa did so, and the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'You are the companions of Yusuf! (referring to the women who cut their hands when they saw the beauty of Yusuf). Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer!' "A'isha added that Hafsa said to her, "I have never had anything good from you!"
Muwatta Malik Book 9, Hadith 86 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
Here we see how they played more games, whereby A'isha RA tried using Hafsa RA as a workaround to tell the Prophet ﷺ to do something she wanted (have Umar bin Khattab RA lead instead of Abu Bakr RA) after her personal attempt failed. She's not necessarily telling the Prophet ﷺ to do this for sinister reasons, it appears (on the surface) that it's only because she/people can't hear Abu Bakr RA when he recites. However, it's important to note how she did things; firstly, she asked Hafsa RA to say the same thing. This makes it to where she "technically" didn't tell the Prophet ﷺ again but still has him told to do something she wants/wants done in her own way. But in addition to circumventing his (ﷺ) direct annoyance, it creates a social atmosphere of "this is what other people want too" to pressure the Prophet ﷺ into capitulating. Doing these things are notoriously female-like, and one would think that only women in our time do things like this, but it's evident that it's not; perhaps it's because these things are simply apart of female nature.... Secondly, she told Hafsa RA to do it too. While Hafsa and A'isha were very close and it's possible that this was the only reason, it's important to remember that Hafsa's dad was Umar bin Khattab RA; this could have been another influential factor. Thirdly, I want to point out that she was telling the Prophet ﷺ to have Umar lead rather than asking him to. Fourthly, to put things into perspective, they asked specifically for Umar rather than another righteous man like Abu Ubayda ibn al-Jarrah RA, who was one of the possible contenders for Khalifa after the death of the Prophet ﷺ and one of the 10 people who are promised paradise. Why is that? It's because Umar is more self-imposing and has a more commanding presence, and so they naturally see him as more suitable for leading. The Prophet ﷺ calling them "the companions of Yusuf" was for a reason—they respect only what their fitra tells them to respect, and underhanded ploys via whimsical, temperamental proclivities is the essence of the methods they use to get what they want.
This hadith also sounds like stereotypical drama a man has with his wife, too. Like I said before, none of this is alien to us. It's simply how Allah SWT Created women.
Once Umar asked permission to see Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in whose company there were some Quraishi women who were talking to him and asking him for more financial support raising their voices. When Umar asked permission to enter the women got up (quickly) hurrying to screen themselves. When Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) admitted Umar, Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) was smiling, Umar asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! May Allah keep you in happiness always." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "I am astonished at these women who were with me. As soon as they heard your voice, they hastened to screen themselves." Umar said, "O Allah's Apostle! You have more right to be feared by them." Then he addressed (those women) saying, "O enemies of your own souls! Do you fear me and not Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)?" They replied. "Yes, for you are a fearful and fierce man as compared with Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)." On that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said (to Umar), "By Him in Whose Hands my life is, whenever Satan sees you taking a path, he follows a path other than yours."
This is clear as day. The women respected Umar bin Khattab RA more than the Prophet ﷺ, and it's solely due to how Umar is as a person relative to the Prophet ﷺ. You can't say that the Qur'an & Sunnah are all you need when it comes to women because while Umar was a great Muslim, he isn't a prophet.
Iyas ibn Abdullah ibn Abu Dhubab reported the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) as saying: Do not beat Allah's handmaidens, but when Umar came to the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and said: Women have become emboldened towards their husbands, he (the Prophet) gave permission to beat them. Then many women came round the family of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) complaining against their husbands. So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: Many women have gone round Muhammad's family complaining against their husbands. They are not the best among you.
This last one carries over from the previous hadith. It shows how women will only ever respect you if they feel there are real repercussions for their actions (hence why they were more afraid of Umar RA than Prophet Muhammad ﷺ; they simply felt like he was more likely to do something about them). I am not advocating beating your wife; however, I am saying that there must be real repercussions when a woman treats you poorly. Because if a woman doesn't have to respect you, she will never respect you. And women cannot love someone they don't respect. If you allow her to treat you badly, she will continue treating you worse and worse until eventually she's walking all over you (may God Forbid). This is why I said to never be afraid to walk away—it's the one thing that gives you, as a man, power to handle your relationship as you see fit, and do what needs to be done. It stops you from becoming her slave.
And Allah SWT Knows best. I ask Him to Purify my intentions, and I ask Him for His Forgiveness over anything and everything I've said here that may be incorrect, haram, and/or displeasing to Him. I ask Him to Show me the whole Truth and the true, correct view about that which I may be wrong about. And I ask Him to Guide me. Ameen. All things are from Allah SWT.
Links to original posts:
Part 1:
In modern Western society (and many eastern societies now as well), men are indoctrinated to believe that going out of your way to do nice things for a woman is how you show her you love her and that this is what makes women fall in love with you. Mass media perpetuating socially liberal views creates the cultural gynocentrism that enforces this, further inculcating the idea that saying "no" to a woman, directing where the relationship/family is heading, telling a woman off (i.e. disciplining her), and that anything that allows a man to be in a dominant position over a woman (such as leading the relationship, having traditional gender roles, the man doing what he needs to do without necessarily consulting with his wife first for her "approval", etc.), are all bad things that "oppress" women. Unsurprisingly, many Muslim men fall for this propaganda as well and start believing in the faux-moralistic virtues that the West propagates regarding interpersonal relationships between men & women. This typically entails them believing that men wrong women more than the reverse, and that they (along with other men) need to be extra nice in order to act as a counterbalance to the supposed wrongdoings of other men, and also because they genuinely believe that this is what makes a woman attracted to a man.
What they don't realize, however, is that women are far less innocent than they believe. I can bring statistics showcasing these points, but there are still some who will remain in denial by saying that only nonMuslim women are this way, and that it doesn't apply to Muslim women. For many, if I were to bring enough personalized anecdotes from posts/comments of Muslimahs on this website itself, that would be enough to shatter the illusion of innocence. But others will continue remaining in denial by saying that these women are simply not religious (or some other nonsensical excuse), rather than just accept that those tendencies exist in all women.
To demonstrate why those men are wrong, I will bring sources from Islamic scholars and the Salaf themselves in addition to ahadith relating back to the Prophet ﷺ himself to show that these issues are universal and to also shine light on why the standard Western-prescribed perspectives of attracting women are incorrect:
The Prophet (ﷺ) was with one of the Mothers of the Believers (his wives) and another (wife) sent a bowl containing food. She (the first wife) struck the hand of the Messenger of (ﷺ) and the bowl fell and broke. The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) took the two pieces and put them back together, then he started gathering up the food and putting it in (the bowl). He said: 'Your mother was jealous. Eat.' So they ate, and she (the wife who broke the bowl) brought the bowl that was in her house and gave the intact bowl to the Messenger (ﷺ), who left the broken bowl in the house of the one who broke it.
For those who are wondering, it was A'isha who broke the dish of Umm Salamah.
The people used to try to bring their gifts (to the Prophet) on 'Aishah's day, hoping thereby to earn the pleasure of the Messenger of Allah.
The wives of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) were in two groups. One group consisted of `Aisha, Hafsa, Safiyya and Sauda; and the other group consisted of Um Salama and the other wives of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). The Muslims knew that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) loved `Aisha, so if any of them had a gift and wished to give to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), he would delay it, till Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) had come to `Aisha's home and then he would send his gift to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in her home. The group of Um Salama discussed the matter together and decided that Um Salama should request Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) to tell the people to send their gifts to him in whatever wife's house he was. Um Salama told Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) of what they had said, but he did not reply. Then they (those wives) asked Um Salama about it. She said, "He did not say anything to me." They asked her to talk to him again. She talked to him again when she met him on her day, but he gave no reply. When they asked her, she replied that he had given no reply. They said to her, "Talk to him till he gives you a reply." When it was her turn, she talked to him again. He then said to her, "Do not hurt me regarding Aisha, as the Divine Inspirations do not come to me on any of the beds except that of Aisha." On that Um Salama said, "I repent to Allah for hurting you." Then the group of Um Salama called Fatima, the daughter of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and sent her to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) to say to him, "Your wives request to treat them and the daughter of Abu Bakr on equal terms." Then Fatima conveyed the message to him. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "O my daughter! Don't you love whom I love?" She replied in the affirmative and returned and told them of the situation. They requested her to go to him again but she refused. They then sent Zainab bint Jahsh who went to him and used harsh words saying, "Your wives request you to treat them and the daughter of Ibn Abu Quhafa on equal terms." On that she raised her voice and (verbally) abused `Aisha to her face so much so that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) looked at `Aisha to see whether she would retort. `Aisha started replying to Zainab till she silenced her. The Prophet (ﷺ) then looked at `Aisha and said, "She really is the daughter of Abu Bakr."
We can see here that even the Prophet ﷺ still had to deal with female mind games and inter-wife politics (i.e. drama) whereby one wife (or many) would try gaining the favor of the Prophet ﷺ over the others. The fact that his wives were divided into two groups in the first place does seem to indicate that even the most righteous of women are prone to petty antics just the same as other women.
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) used to drink honey in the house of Zainab, the daughter of Jahsh, and would stay there with her. So Hafsa and I agreed secretly that, if he come to either of us, she would say to him. "It seems you have eaten Maghafir (a kind of bad-smelling resin), for I smell in you the smell of Maghafir," (We did so) and he replied. "No, but I was drinking honey in the house of Zainab, the daughter of Jahsh, and I shall never take it again. I have taken an oath as to that, and you should not tell anybody about it."
This is the (in)famous incident that actually led to the first divorce of Hafsa RA and the first 4 Verses in Surat At-Tahrim. The Prophet ﷺ did eventually remarry her though.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) was sitting and we heard a scream and the voices of children. So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) arose, and it was an Ethiopian woman, prancing around while the children played around her. So he said: 'O 'Aishah, come (and) see.' So I came, and I put my chin upon the shoulder of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and I began to watch her from between his shoulder and his head, and he said to me: 'Have you had enough, have you had enough?'" She said: "So I kept saying: 'No,' to see my status with him. Then 'Umar appeared." She said: "So they dispersed." She said: "So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: 'Indeed I see the Shayatin among men and jinn have run from 'Umar.' She said: 'So I returned.'"
How you interpret "to see my status with him" is up to you. However, it's important to note that she was telling the Prophet ﷺ "no" on purpose because she was in essence testing him in order to gauge things. I'm not saying she had sinister ulterior motives or anything like that, I'm just pointing out how her saying "no" to him wasn't really because she didn't want to stop watching them play yet, but was instead because of something else that had to do with her gauging him/her in relation to him/him in relation to her/etc. This is actually evidence of my posts on sh*t tests when I said that it's simply in a woman's fitrah to test men like this. This is further evidenced by the words of Imam al-Ghazali:
Arab women used to teach their daughters to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.”
Book on the Etiquette of Marriage, Chapter 3
Imam al-Ghazali also cites Imam al-Shafi'i as having said:
ثلاثة إن أكرمتهم أهانوك وإن أهنتهم أكرموك المرأة والخادم والنبطي
Which translates to "[There are] three if you honor them, they will insult you, and if you insult them, they will honor you: the woman, the servant, and the Nabataean."
Imam al-Ghazali also cites other interesting quotes:
قال الحسن: "والله ما أصبح رجل يطيع امرأته فيما تهوى إلا كبه الله في النار"
Al Hassan said: "By Allah, no man becomes obedient to his wife in what she desires except [that] Allah will Throw him into the Fire.
وقال عمر رضي الله عنه: "خالفوا النساء فإن في خلافهن البركة." وقد قيل: "شاوروهن وخالفوهن."
'Umar RA said: "Disagree with women (i.e. your wives), for in disagreement with them there is blessing." And it was [also] said [by him]: "Consult them then disagree with them".
" فاستحسن قولها وكان أصحاب رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يسدون الكوى والثقب في الحيطان لئلا تطلع النسوان إلى الرجال ورأى معاذ امرأته تطلع في الكوة فضربها ورأى امرأته قد دفعت إلى غلامه تفاحة قد أكلت منها فضربها."
The companions of the Prophet SAW used to close peepholes and perforations in the wall to prevent women from looking at men. Mu'adh [b. Jabal] saw his wife looking through a peephole, and he struck her; he also saw her giving an apple to his male slave from which she had eaten, and he struck her again.
I find it interesting how women from a conservative society 1,400 years ago would gawk at men, even Muslim women. The common theme society portrays in our time is that creeping perverts are all men, and that women, especially Muslim women, would never act in such ways. Some delude themselves into thinking that women don't have the same desires as men, but the reality as shown above says otherwise. Even if you dispute the hadith, the fact that such a narration even COULD exist demonstrates that such things weren't unfamiliar to the Arabs back then. The truth is that if you don't see them behaving sexually, it doesn't mean that they don't do it or that they have more class than men (or whatever excuse you want to come up with), it just means they don't do it WITH YOU. Women are just as depraved as men, but simply hide it better. But that aside, let's continue...
وروي انه دفعت إحداهن في صدر رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فزبرتها أمها فقال صلى الله عليه وسلم دعيها فإنهن يصنعن اكثر من ذلك
It was also related that one wife pushed the Prophet SAW in the chest, so her mother slapped her. The Prophet SAW said, “Leave her, for they [wives] do worse than that.”
وجرى بينه وبين عائشة كلام حتى أدخلا بينهما أبا بكر رضي الله عنه حكما واستشهده فقال لها رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم تكلمين أو أتكلم فقالت بل تكلم أنت ولا تقل إلا حقا فلطمها أبو بكر حتى دمى فوها وقال يا عدية نفسها أو يقول غير الحق فاستجارت برسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وقعدت خلف ظهره فقال له النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم لم ندعك لهذا ولا أردنا منك هذا
He [the Prophet SAW] and 'A'ishah got into an argument to the point that Abu Bakr was called upon to arbitrate, and the Prophet took him as a witness. So the Prophet SAW said to her, “Are you going to talk, or shall l?” She replied, “You talk, but say only the truth.” Abu Bakr struck her until her mouth bled, and said to her, “Oh enemy of yourself, does he utter anything but the truth?” So she took refuge with the Prophet SAW and sat behind him. The Prophet SAW then told him, “You were not called for this, nor did we desire this of you.”
Like, bruh.
وقالت له مرة في كلام غضبت عنده أنت الذي تزعم أنك نبي الله فتبسم رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم واحتمل ذلك حلما وكرما
She ['A'isha RA] told him once in anger, “And you are the one who claims to be the Prophet of God!” So the Prophet SAW smiled and bore that out of forbearance and kindness.
وكان يقول لها إني لأعرف غضبك من رضاك قالت وكيف تعرفه قال إذا رضيت قلت لا وإله محمد وإذا غضبت قلت لا وإله إبراهيم قالت صدقت إنما أهجر اسمك
He used to say to her, “I know when you are angry and when you are pleased.” To which she replied, “And how do you know it?” He said, “When you are pleased, you say 'No, by the God of Muhammad'; and when you are angry you say, 'No, by the God of Abraham.' “ She said, “You are right; I leave your name out.”
Dalliance, jesting, and playfulness add to the toleration of offense; for these delight the hearts of women.
I mention this because it ties back into my previous posts about sh*t tests, where I stated many times that fun, flirty, lighthearted playfulness is how you build attraction with a woman; it shows that the same things that work on women now also worked on women back then, meaning that all of this stuff we are talking about here on the subreddit is simply apart of female nature rather than a new societal construct.
In any case, I'm not gonna share with you his entire book since you can read it all yourself, but these are some key highlights. I'm going to move on to more hadith and quotes from other scholars now:
Hilal bin Umayyah accused his wife in the presence of the Prophet (ﷺ) of (committing adultery) with Sharik bin Sahma'. The Prophet said: "Bring proof or you will feel the Hadd (punishment) on your back." Hilal bin Umayyah said: "By the One Who sent you with the truth, I am telling the truth, and Allah will send down revelation concerning my situation which will spare my back." Then the following was revealed: "And for those who accuse their wives, but have no witnesses except themselves, let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies (i.e., testifies four times) by Allah that he is one of those who speak the truth. And the fifth (testimony should be) the invoking of the curse of Allah on him if he be of those who tell a lie (against her). But it shall avert the punishment (of stoning to death) from her, if she bears witness four times by Allah, that he (her husband) is telling a lie. And the fifth (testimony) should be that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth." The Prophet (ﷺ), turned and sent for them, and they came. Hilal bin Umayyah stood up and bore witness, and the Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Allah knows that one of you is lying. Will either of you repent?" Then she stood up and affirmed her innocence. On the fifth time, meaning that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he (her husband) speaks the truth, they said to her: "It will invoke the wrath of Allah." Ibn 'Abbas said: "She hesitated and backed up, until we thought that she was going to recant. Then she said: 'By Allah, I cannot dishonor my people forever.' Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said: 'Wait and see. If she gives birth to a child with black eyes, fleshy buttocks and big calves, then he is the son of Sharik bin Sahma'.' And she gave birth to such a child. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said: 'Had it not the matter been settled by the Book of Allah, I would have punished her severely.' "
Women even back then would cheat on their husbands and lie about it to the whole of the community and to Allah SWT. She says she didn't want her people to be disgraced forever, but it's still clear as day that she cheated.
'Uwaimir came to `Asim bin `Adi who was the chief of Bani Ajlan and said, "What do you say about a man who has found another man with his wife? Should he kill him whereupon you would kill him (i.e. the husband), or what should he do? Please ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) about this matter on my behalf." `Asim then went to the Prophet (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! (And asked him that question) but Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) disliked the question," When 'Uwaimir asked `Asim (about the Prophet's answer) `Asim replied that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) disliked such questions and considered it shameful. "Uwaimir then said, "By Allah, I will not give up asking unless I ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) about it." Uwaimir came (to the Prophet ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! A man has found another man with his wife! Should he kill him whereupon you would kill him (the husband, in Qisas) or what should he do?" Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Allah has revealed regarding you and your wife's case in the Qur'an "So Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) ordered them to perform the measures of Mula'ana according to what Allah had mentioned in His Book. So 'Uwaimir did Mula'ana with her and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! If I kept her I would oppress her." So 'Uwaimir divorced her and so divorce became a tradition after them for those who happened to be involved in a case of Mula'ana. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) then said, "Look! If she (Uwaimir's wife) delivers a black child with deep black large eyes, big hips and fat legs, then I will be of the opinion that 'Uwaimir has spoken the truth; but if she delivers a red child looking like a Wahra then we will consider that 'Uwaimir has told a lie against her." Later on she delivered a child carrying the qualities which Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) had mentioned as a proof for 'Uwaimir's claim; therefore the child was ascribed to its mother henceforth.
Another instance of cheating. These were the sahaba who got cheated on, men who had better character than most people today, with more Islamic knowledge than most Muslims today. And even they got cheated on. And they were cheated on by sahabiyat, women who were also (typically) more virtuous than women of our time. I'm pointing these out because men need to understand that women are not these sweet innocent angels who simply become corrupted through a bad society per se, many of them simply choose to do wrong. Not just that, but I'm also trying to showcase how the fallacy of "all you need is the Qur'an & Sunnah if you want to do well with women and have a happy marriage" is utter nonsense. Men with greater understanding of the Qur'an and Sunnah got cheated on while there are kuffar who have harems. Why is that? It's because fitra exists regardless of religion. Yes, Islam discusses aspects of the fitra and marriage; that does not mean that intersexual dynamics is its focus though. That's why it's foolish to say things like "I don't need the red pill to have a happy marriage, I just need the Qur'an & Sunnah" because it's like saying "I don't need to study biology to understand the human body, I just need the Qur'an & Sunnah". It's ridiculous. The fact that it even says “’Uwaimir divorce divorced her and so divorce became a tradition after then for those who happened to be involved in a case of Mula’ana” literally means that there were cases of women cheating on their husbands after this too. These aren’t just isolated incidents or one-offs.
In any case, there is more commentary on this particular incident:
Mention was made of li'an in the presence of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). And Asim b. 'Adi passed a remark about it and then turned away, and a man of his tribe came to him complaining that he had found a man with his wife, whereupon 'Asim said: I have been taken by my words. He took him to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and told him about the man whom he had found with his wife and this man was a lean, yellow-coloured man with lank hair, and the person who was accused of committing adultery with her (his wife) had fleshy shanks, with wheat complexion and heavy bulk. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: O Allah, make (this case) manifest. And as she gave birth to a child, whose face resembled that person about whom her husband had made mention that he had found her with, and Allah's Messenger (may peace be, upon him) had asked them to invoke curses. A person said to Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with him): Is she (that woman) about whom Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) (said):" If I were to stone anybody without evidence, I would have stoned her"? Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with him) said: No, it is not she. That woman was one who openly spread evil in society.
There was another woman who was the same way (the words "openly spread evil in society" refers to openly committing zina). And keep in mind that all this was back in a conservative Islamic society 1,400 years ago during the time of the Prophet ﷺ.
Understand that female nature has a lot of unpleasant aspects to it that modern society today completely ignores (or blames on men). Because of this, women are seen as morally superior to men and as better people than men, painting this image in our mind that women are always in the right.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "But for the Israelis, meat would not decay and but for Eve, wives would never betray their husbands."
The only comment I can make is that this is evidence that all of what we see is inherent within women. No, I'm not saying women cheating on men is inherent women; I'm saying that the thing that makes one woman do these things (whether cheat, sh*t test, or other) exist in ALL women.
'Aishah, the wife of the Prophet (ﷺ) told him that there were four types of marriage during Pre-Islamic period of Ignorance. One type was similar to that of the present day i.e. a man used to ask somebody else for the hand of a girl under his guardianship or for his daughter's hand, and give her Mahr and then marry her. The second type was that a man would say to his wife after she had become clean from her period. "Send for so-and-so and have sexual intercourse with him." Her husband would then keep away from her and would never sleep with her till she got pregnant from the other man with whom she was sleeping. When her pregnancy became evident, her husband would sleep with her if he wished. Her husband did so (i.e. let his wife sleep with some other man) so that he might have a child of noble breed. Such marriage was called as Al-Istibda'. Another type of marriage was that a group of less than ten men would assemble and enter upon a woman, and all of them would have sexual relation with her. If she became pregnant and delivered a child and some days had passed after delivery, she would sent for all of them and none of them would refuse to come, and when they all gathered before her, she would say to them, "You (all) know what you have done, and now I have given birth to a child. So, it is your child so-and-so!" naming whoever she liked, and her child would follow him and he could not refuse to take him. The fourth type of marriage was that many people would enter upon a lady and she would never refuse anyone who came to her. Those were the prostitutes who used to fix flags at their doors as sign, and he who would wished, could have sexual intercourse with them. If anyone of them got pregnant and delivered a child, then all those men would be gathered for her and they would call the Qa'if (persons skilled in recognizing the likeness of a child to his father) to them and would let the child follow the man (whom they recognized as his father) and she would let him adhere to him and be called his son. The man would not refuse all that. But when Muhammad (ﷺ) was sent with the Truth, he abolished all the types of marriages observed in pre-Islamic period of Ignorance except the type of marriage the people recognize today.
I want to first say Alhamdulillahi Rab al 'alameen that we are not like this today.
Now, while the men were degenerate back then, you have to realize that it was the women who allowed this and openly displayed themselves this way. They willingly chose to do this even though virginity was still greatly more honorable than these other forms of "marriage". I make mention of all this to drive home the point that women are not anywhere near as innocent as modern society makes them out to be and that they never, ever were.
~~~
There is yet another instance I am aware of whereby 'Umar bin Khattab RA was out patrolling the streets one night when he heard a woman sing a poem. The woman was lamenting her husband being away (for jihad) and that had it not been for the fear of Allah SWT in her heart that she would've tried having another lover sleep with her. When he heard this, he was alarmed and went to his daughter Hafsa and asked her how long can a woman remain without her husband. The reports vary the range from anywhere between 3 months and 6 months. Because there are many reports and they differ quite a bit in their wording, I won't quote the exact words, but there is the source:
https://al-maktaba.org/book/31615/18822
~~~
Ibn Umar narrated:"I had a wife whom I loved, but my father disliked her, so he ordered me to divorce her but I refused. I mentioned that to the Prophet and he said: 'O Abdullah bin Umar! Divorce your wife.'"
The context for this was that Abdullah ibn Umar was extremely in love with his wife to the point where his deen started to/was about to falter. This demonstrates that infatuation on part of the man, especially to the point where your deen falters, is not something to do. And with regards to the content talked about on this subreddit, it shows that you as a man should never to love to the point where it controls you. Remember this:
Your life should not revolve around your woman. She is not the woman of your dreams; rather, she is *a* woman in your dreams.
And verily, we find other scholars holding similar opinions:
If a man is (greatly) in love with a woman, even if she was permissible for him, his heart will remain in her captivity. She will be in charge of him and do with him as she pleases. Although he outwardly appears to be her master, because he is her husband, in reality, he is her captive and her possession, especially if she is aware of his unrestricted love and dire need for her, and that (he thinks) she is irreplaceable. Indeed, the captivity of the heart is worse than the captivity of the body, as the enslavement of the heart is worse than the enslavement of the body.
Majmūʿ of ibn Taymiyyah (10/185)
The easiest way to ensure you aren't enslaved to a woman (or to anyone for that matter) is to never be afraid to walk away. Always be able to leave her at the drop of a hat.
The things being said are further corroborated by the saying of 'Umar bin Khattab RA:
Aslam said, "'Umar ibn al-Khattab said, "Do not let your love be a total infatuation. Do not let your anger be destruction." I asked, "How is that?" He replied, "When you love, you are infatuated like a child. When you hate, you desire destruction for your companion.""
Now just to make sure no one gets this confused, this was a saying by 'Umar bin Khattab RA, not the Prophet ﷺ. But it's still great advice regardless.
From the book: ديوان الامام الشافعي ("Poetry Compilation of Imam Al Shafi'i")
إن النساء شياطين خُلقن لنل؛ نعوذ بالله من شر الشياطين
Translation: "Women are devils created for us; We seek refuge in Allah from the evil of devils."
Tafsir ibn Kathir of Qur'an 4:34
اي: لأن الرجل أفضل من النساء، والرجل خير من المراة
Meaning: (This is) because men are better than women, and the man is better than the women.
The first part where men are "better" than women means excelling over women; I want to make this clear since in English, saying that you are "better" than someone else has an insulting and arrogant connotation that does not exist here in the Arabic text. The same goes for the second part, and it also shares a similar meaning except it's inclusive of blessings in an almost entrusting kind of way. It's hard to properly describe, but that's why modern English translations of the tafsir of this Verse are worded the way they are; although they still do tend to be watered down a little bit (hence why I didn't use those translations).
ولهذا كانت النبوة مختصة بالرجال، وكذلك الملك الأعظم
Meaning: That is why prophethood was restricted to men, as well as great kingship.
"Great kingship" is a reference to positions of leadership, particularly political leadership. Ibn Kathir then goes on to quote the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ saying that no nation will succeed if a woman becomes its leader, and that this extends to judiciaries (i.e. appointing women as judges) and others (i.e. other positions of social & political power).
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Many amongst men reached (the level of) perfection but none amongst the women reached this level except Asia, Pharaoh's wife, and Mary, the daughter of `Imran. And no doubt, the superiority of `Aisha to other women is like the superiority of Tharid (i.e. a meat and bread dish) to other meals."
Some people may be offended by the words of ibn Kathir and may say that it is only his opinion that isn't actually related to Islam; however, this hadith above shows that what he had said holds merit.
When we read this stuff, the problem isn't that Islam is sexist or that these men didn't know what they were talking about; the problem is that the social culture of today's time has made it taboo for people, particularly men, to point out faults in women. For example, if he had said the opposite, that women are better than men, no one would care in the slightest. No one would think it's sexist against men or that ibn Kathir is a misandrist or anything of the sort. Some may say that it's because of the circumstance where men dominated the society back then, but this doesn't disprove the "what if" question; what if he was actually right? What if these statements aren't because of some patriarchal notion causing fragile masculinity (or whatever feminists say), what if it's because he's simply telling the truth? This possibility is never explored in the modern day. The reality is that this double standard came from feminism attacking men over perceived discrimination (thereby normalizing misandry), and also by equating criticisms against feminism as sexism against women (even if the criticisms were valid, thereby stifling any discussion about feministic wrongs).
These people aren't sexist; the Prophet ﷺ isn't sexist. He actually went against the culture of his time regarding women, yet still said these things anyway. Perhaps these things really are true. If you can't accept the possibility that there are unpleasant truths about women, ask yourself why. It's very likely that you've succumbed to Western propaganda regarding gender dynamics.
Then, I looked into the condition of women. I found that women in general are not religious and extremely ignorant. They seem to know nothing about the Hereafter, except for those whom Allah guarded from such a trial.
Ibn al-Jawzi (Captured Thoughts, Chapter 31, p. 162)
Notice how Ibn al-Jawzi singles out women as a particular group? Women as women knew little about the deen nor were they religious, and this was also before the Mongols sacked Baghdad (the city in which Ibn al-Jawzi was from) meaning it was during the Golden Age of Islam. I bring forth his statement here because it acts as demonstrable evidence for the veracity of the hadith immediately above it; someone who lived during the Golden Age of Islam (arguably the best time period in history for Muslims) who was also alive 500-600 years after the Prophet ﷺ (meaning he comes from a different era than the Prophet ﷺ) had made an observation that coincides with what the Prophet ﷺ had said (i.e. that very few women reach the level of religious perfection).
Yahya related to me from Malik from Yahya ibn Said from Amra bint Abd ar-Rahman that A'isha, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "If the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, had seen what women do now, he would have forbidden them to go into the mosques, just as the women of the Bani Israil were forbidden."Yahya ibn Said said that he asked Amra, "Were the women of the Bani Israil forbidden to go into the mosques?" and she said, "Yes."
Muwatta Malik Book 14, Hadith 15 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
This is A'isha RA, wife of the Prophet ﷺ and a woman herself, saying this about the women of her time, about other sahabiyat. These were the salaf, the best generation of Muslims, too. Is it still just sexist and misogynistic men who make these claims? I think not. And those who continue to say so, you are slandering good people with great character to avoid confronting these truths so that you can continue lying to yourself about the reality of what Allah SWT Decrees for the sexes.
I heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) say: Don't prevent your women from going to the mosque when they seek your permission. Bilal b. 'Abdullah said: By Allah, we shall certainly prevent them. On this 'Abdullah b. Umar turned towards him and reprimanded him harshly as I had never heard him do before. He ('Abdullah b. Umar) said: I am narrating to you that which comes from the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and you (have the audacity) to say: By Allah, we shall certainly prevent them.
Here, we see how things have gotten so bad to the point that Bilal bin Abdullah, the grandson of 'Umar bin Khattab RA, swore by Allah SWT that they would continue to prevent women from going to the masjid in spite of what the Prophet ﷺ had said. This hadith and the hadith with A'isha RA refer to the same thing—that the women have begun to turn corrupt.
This is actually why 'Umar bin Khattab RA banned women from the masjid outside of the 5 obligatory prayers (I recall reading elsewhere that they were also allowed for taraweeh but I cannot confirm the veracity of that).
Anas (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) had nine wives. So when he divided (his stay) with them, the turn of the first wife did not come but on the ninth (day). They (all the wives) used to gather every night in the house of one where he had to come (and stay that night). It was (the night when he had to stay) in the house of 'A'isha (Allah be pleased with her), when Zainab came there. He (the Prophet ﷺ) stretched his hand towards her (Zainab), whereupon she ('A'isha) said:"It is Zainab". Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) withdrew his hand. There was an altercation between the two (women) until their voices became loud (and it was at that time) when Iqama was announced for prayer. There happened to come Abu Bakr and he heard their voices and said: Messenger of Allah, (kindly) come for prayer, and throw dust in their mouths. So the Prophet (ﷺ) went out. 'A'isha said: When Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) would finish his prayer there would also come Abu Bakr and he would do as he does (on such occasions, i.e. reprimanding). When Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) had finished his prayer, Abu Bakr came to her ('A'isha), and spoke to her in stern words and said: Do you behave like this?
Standard catfight. They basically argued so much that even after the Prophet ﷺ and Abu Bakr RA left for prayer and returned, they were still arguing (and loudly at that, too). In addition, when the Prophet ﷺ outstretched his hand to Zainab RA (to welcome her), 'A'isha RA said "It is Zainab" (with stark disapproval) as if to say it's something bad, hence why they began fighting/arguing.
I mean honestly, this is starting to sound like cliche girl dramas that you see on TV. It's not alien to us.
Part 2:
Abu Bakr (RA) came and sought permission to see Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). He found people sitting at his door and none amongst them had been granted permission, but it was granted to Abu Bakr and he went in. Then came Umar and he sought permission and it was granted to him, and he found Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) sitting sad and silent with his wives around him. He (Umar) said: "I would say something which would make the Prophet (ﷺ) laugh, so he said: Messenger of Allah, I wish you had seen (the treatment meted out to) the daughter of Khadija when you asked me some money", and I got up and slapped her on her neck. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) laughed and said: "They are around me as you see, asking for extra money." Abu Bakr (RA) then got up went to A'isha (RA) and slapped her on the neck, and Umar stood up before Hafsa and slapped her saying: "You ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) which he does not possess". They said: "By Allah, we do not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) for anything he does not possess". Then he withdrew from them for a month or for twenty-nine days. Then this Verse was revealed to him: "Prophet: Say to thy wives... for a mighty reward" (Qur'an 33:28-29). He then went first to A'isha (RA) and said: "I want to propound something to you, A'isha, but wish no hasty reply before you consult your parents." She said: "Messenger of Allah, what is that?" He (ﷺ) recited to her the Verse, whereupon she said: "Is it about you that I should consult my parents, Messenger of Allah? Nay, I choose Allah, His Messenger, and the Last Abode; but I ask you not to tell any of your wives what I have said." He replied: "Not one of them will ask me without my informing her. God did not send me to be harsh, or cause harm, but He has sent me to teach and make things easy."
Here, the wives of the Prophet ﷺ were asking for more money. The reason for it was due to materialistic reasons. It happened during a time when the financial state of Muslims back then improved. What's interesting is that prior to this, the wives of the Prophet ﷺ were arguably fine with the way they lived. But afterwards, that's when they felt like they deserved more, particularly because the Prophet ﷺ being in charge of the wealth meant that he was the one who handled it. This is likely why they swore by Allah SWT that the Prophet ﷺ had more money. The thing is, the Prophet ﷺ had a duty to others before himself; that means distributing the money to those in need first. The purpose of prophethood isn't to use/abuse it as a status symbol for personal gain, so just because there is an influx of wealth doesn't mean you can become more materialistic via nepotism through the Prophet ﷺ. Now, I'm not accusing the Mothers of the Believers of having sinister intentions or anything like that, I'm simply trying to give insight into the minds & nature of women by demonstrating through the Seerah that they were still human. If the Mothers of the Believers, the best of women, still had these patterns of behavior, then understand that women as a whole simply cannot help but be this way.
There's also something else to note here—A'isha RA said to not tell the other wives of her own decision. Why? It's because she didn't want her choice of staying with the Prophet SAW to sway his other wives into staying too. When noting the female inter-wife politics, we see that her making this request was an attempt to keep the Prophet ﷺ all to herself (which is understandable, but also shows how the minds of women function in a way not really discussed in the modern era: they all play create ploys/schemes to get what they want, and it is inherent within them to do so). Even more, she did this when tensions between her and the Prophet ﷺ were at an all-time high, when their relationship was most strained (he literally asked them if they wanted a divorce due to everything). And even despite this, she tries scheming anyway. If this isn't proof that all this is apart of women's fitra, then I don't know what is.
I had been eager to ask Umar about the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) regarding whom Allah said (in the Qur'an): "If you two (wives i.e. Aisha and Hafsa) turn in repentance to Allah (it is best for you) for your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet (ﷺ) likes)" (Qur'an 66:4), till I performed the Hajj along with Umar (and on our way back from Hajj) he went aside (to answer the call of nature) and I also went aside along with him carrying a tumbler of water. When he had answered the call of nature and returned. I poured water on his hands from the tumbler and he performed ablution. I said, "O Chief of the believers! Who were the two ladies from among the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) to whom Allah said: "If you two return in repentance (Qur'an 6:44)"?" He said, "I am astonished at your question, O Ibn `Abbas. They were Aisha and Hafsa." Then Umar went on relating the narration and said: "I and an Ansari neighbor of mine from Bani Umaiya bin Zaid who used to live in Awali Al-Medina, used to visit the Prophet (ﷺ) in turns. He used to go one day, and I another day. When I went, I would bring him the news of what had happened that day regarding the instructions and orders, and when he went, he used to do the same for me. We, the people of Quraish, used to have authority over women, but when we came to live with the Ansar, we noticed that the Ansari women had the upper hand over their men, so our women started acquiring the habits of the Ansari women. Once I shouted at my wife and she retorted against me and I disliked that she should answer me back. She said, "Why do you take it ill that I retort upon you? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) retort upon him, and some of them may not speak with him for the whole day till night." What she said scared me and I said to her, "Whoever amongst them does so, will be a great loser." Then I dressed myself and went to Hafsa and asked her, "Does any of you keep Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) angry all the day long till night?" She replied in the affirmative. I said, "She is a ruined losing person (and will never have success)! Doesn't she fear that Allah may get angry for the anger of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and thus she will be ruined? Don't ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) too many things, and don't retort upon him in any case, and don't desert him. Demand from me whatever you like, and don't be tempted to imitate your neighbor (i.e. `Aisha) in her behavior towards the Prophet), for she (i.e. Aisha) is more beautiful than you, and more beloved to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). In those days it was rumored that Ghassan, (a tribe living in Sham) was getting prepared their horses to invade us. My companion went to the Prophet (ﷺ) on the day of his turn, went and returned to us at night and knocked at my door violently, asking whether I was sleeping. I was scared (by the hard knocking) and came out to him. He said that a great thing had happened. I asked him: "What is it? Have Ghassan come?" He replied that it was worse and more serious than that, and added that Allah's Apostle had divorced all his wives. I said, "Hafsa is a ruined loser! I expected that would happen some day." So I dressed myself and offered the Fajr prayer with the Prophet. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) entered an upper room and stayed there alone. I went to Hafsa and found her weeping. I asked her, "Why are you weeping? Didn't I warn you? Has Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) divorced you all? She replied, "I don't know. He is there in the upper room." I then went out and came to the pulpit and found a group of people around it and some of them were weeping. Then I sat with them for some time, but could not endure the situation. So I went to the upper room where the Prophet (ﷺ) was and requested to a black slave of his: "Will you get the permission of (Allah's Apostle) for Umar (to enter)? The slave went in, talked to the Prophet (ﷺ) about it and came out saying, "I mentioned you to him but he did not reply." So, I went and sat with the people who were sitting by the pulpit, but I could not bear the situation, so I went to the slave again and said: "Will you get he permission for Umar? He went in and brought the same reply as before. When I was leaving, behold, the slave called me saying, "Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) has granted you permission." So, I entered upon the Prophet and saw him lying on a mat without wedding on it, and the mat had left its mark on the body of the Prophet, and he was leaning on a leather pillow stuffed with palm fires. I greeted him and while still standing, I said: "Have you divorced your wives?" He raised his eyes to me and replied in the negative. And then while still standing, I said chatting: "Will you heed what I say, 'O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! We, the people of Quraish used to have the upper hand over our women (wives), and when we came to the people whose women had the upper hand over them..." Umar told the whole story (about his wife). "On that the Prophet (ﷺ) smiled." Umar further said, "I then said, "I went to Hafsa and said to her: "Do not be tempted to imitate your companion (`Aisha) for she is more beautiful than you and more beloved to the Prophet.""" The Prophet (ﷺ) smiled again. When I saw him smiling, I sat down and cast a glance at the room, and by Allah, I couldn't see anything of importance but three hides. I said (to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)) "Invoke Allah to make your followers prosperous for the Persians and the Byzantines have been made prosperous and given worldly luxuries, though they do not worship Allah." The Prophet (ﷺ) was leaning then (and on hearing my speech he sat straight) and said, "O Ibn Al-Khattab! Do you have any doubt (that the Hereafter is better than this world)? These people have been given rewards of their good deeds in this world only." I asked the Prophet (ﷺ) "Please ask Allah's forgiveness for me." The Prophet (ﷺ) did not go to his wives because of the secret which Hafsa had disclosed to `Aisha, and he said that he would not go to his wives for one month as he was angry with them when Allah admonished him. When twenty-nine days had passed, the Prophet (ﷺ) went to Aisha first of all. She said to him, "You took an oath that you would not come to us for one month, yet today only twenty-nine days have passed, as I have been counting them day by day." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "The month is also of twenty-nine days." That month consisted of twenty-nine days. `Aisha said, "When the Divine revelation of Choice was revealed, the Prophet (ﷺ) started with me, saying to me, "I am telling you something, but you need not hurry to give the reply till you can consult your parents." `Aisha knew that her parents would not advise her to part with the Prophet (ﷺ) . The Prophet (ﷺ) said that Allah had said: "O Prophet! Say to your wives, "If you desire the life of this world and its glitter, then come! I will make a provision for you and set you free in a handsome manner. But if you seek Allah And His Apostle, and The Home of the Hereafter, then Verily, Allah has prepared For the good-doers amongst you a great reward."" (Qur'an 33:28-29) `Aisha said, "Am I to consult my parents about this? I indeed prefer Allah, His Apostle, and the Home of the Hereafter." After that the Prophet (ﷺ) gave the choice to his other wives and they also gave the same reply as `Aisha did."
This hadith relates back to the divorce of Hafsa RA mentioned earlier. There are several things to note:
Firstly, it's evident that women conform to their social environment; this is noted throughout science literature (source 1, source 2). Umar bin Khattab RA had told Ibn Abbas RA here that the Muslim women, including the wives of the Prophet ﷺ, began mistreating their husbands simply the Ansari women were acting that way towards their husbands. In other words, "everyone else was doing it", so they began conforming to their social environment.
Secondly, the fact that rumors had spread about the Prophet ﷺ divorcing all of his wives rather than just a few or just Hafsa RA does also suggest that it was all of his wives mistreating him. And as indicated by the sentiment of the wife of Umar bin Khattab RA, it does appear that other Muslim women were doing the same.
Thirdly, the Ansar were known to be extremely nice and welcoming people to the Muslims, yet the women treated their husbands terribly as indicated by the very hadith above. This contrasts with the Quraish, whom the Prophet ﷺ said were the best amongst the Arabs. And if you know anything about how Quraish treated their women, you would know that they treated them terribly. Not just that, but Ansari women were known to not be attractive (here's a second source) and were also intensely jealous. It's as if those who were the nicest had the worst women, and those who treated women the worst had the best women. This actually is evidence for when Imam Al Shafi'i, as quoted by Imam Al Ghazali, had said that women will honor you when you insult them, and will insult you when you honor them.
Fourthly, Umar RA said that he expected that the Prophet ﷺ would divorce his wives one day (it’s ambiguous whether he was referring to Hafsa RA alone or all of them; or both with an emphasis on Hafsa) indicating that this wasn't something unanticipated, and that he understands why it did/would have happened. This is a testament to the mistreatment from Muslim women, such that Umar suspected that even someone as kind-hearted and patient and caring as the Prophet ﷺ would divorce his wives/Hafsa RA.
Fifthly, the Prophet ﷺ only had 3 hides. That literally means he wasn't keeping wealth for himself, and that he didn't actually have anything of excess in his own possession like his wives were saying. They wanted more anyway.
A'isha RA was married to the best man in all of history, grew up in Islam with the best generation of Muslims, had a great father, lived in a very conservative society, and got married at a young age. The same is true for Hafsa RA, who had an even stronger father figure. And even they, at times, gave the Prophet ﷺ a hard time (with Hafsa RA doing so enough to get divorced). Food for thought.
Rifa`a divorced his wife whereupon `AbdurRahman bin Az-Zubair Al-Qurazi married her. `Aisha said that the lady (came), wearing a green veil (and complained to her (Aisha) of her husband and showed her a green spot on her skin caused by beating). It was the habit of ladies to support each other, so when Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came, `Aisha said, "I have not seen any woman suffering as much as the believing women. Look! Her skin is greener than her clothes!" When `AbdurRahman heard that his wife had gone to the Prophet, he came with his two sons from another wife. She said, "By Allah! I have done no wrong to him but he is impotent and is as useless to me as this," holding and showing the fringe of her garment, `Abdur-Rahman said, "By Allah, O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! She has told a lie! I am very strong and can satisfy her but she is disobedient and wants to go back to Rifa`a." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, to her, "If that is your intention, then know that it is unlawful for you to remarry Rifa`a unless `Abdur-Rahman has had sexual intercourse with you." Then the Prophet (ﷺ) saw two boys with `Abdur- Rahman and asked (him), "Are these your sons?" On that `AbdurRahman said, "Yes." The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "You claim what you claim (i.e.. that he is impotent and/or small)? But by Allah, these boys resemble him as a crow resembles a crow,"
I chose this hadith for a reason—this hadith ties into the previous one. As previously mentioned, women conform to their social environment more readily than men. However, this effect is amplified because women have an extremely strong automatic in-group preference towards other women (source; there are issues I take with this study but I'll address them in another post). In other words, women favor other women, particularly within group settings. This hadith demonstrates this well, as it's essentially a historical document from 1,400 years ago showing this same phenomenon. Here is another hadith describing the same thing happening with the wives of the Prophet SAW; it pertains to the honey situation I talked about in Part 1 when Hafsa RA was divorced.
The lesson in all of this is to realize that women will always favor each other when it comes to gendered issues, and that means that women will never let you hold them accountable as women for the things they do. This is actually where the saying of "never argue with a woman" came from. Some people might be wondering about the other social trope that women hate each other, but you need to understand the circumstances behind it. Women might sabotage each other when it pertains to things that deal solely with each other, but when it comes to general gender-related things (i.e. them as a collective), they will support each other tooth & nail. To put this more technically, they sabotage one another on a within-hierarchy basis but support each other on a between-hierarchy basis.
That aside, other things with this hadith that I'd like to point out is the following:
Notice how the sahaba narrating the hadith said "It was the habit of ladies to support each other, so when Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came, `Aisha said, "I have not seen any woman suffering as much as the believing women. Look! Her skin is greener than her clothes!""; I'm emphasizing the word "so" to showcase that A'isha making her exclamation was because of her natural support for other women. This is important because in addition to confirming the innate female-bias that women naturally have, it demonstrates that what A'isha RA said was hyperbole rather than literal, which is EXACTLY what modern day women do too (some may call women doing this "drama queens'' without realizing that it's only natural for women to be this way). Not to mention, it dispels the myth that Muslim women were/are abused under Islam by islamaphobes when they use this hadith.
The wife complaining about her husband by saying that he's impotent and (sexually) useless, regardless of whether it's true or not, shows that sexual satisfaction to women is VERY important. We can see here through the hadith that if you aren't sexually pleasing them, they will hold it against you just like in our modern times. Therefore it's foolish to believe that women don't care about sex like men do or that maybe she's just "low libido".
Her new husband exposed her statements as being excuses for wanting to go back to her old husband. Her still desiring her previous husband to the point that she gives her new husband a hard time and creates a big fuss in front of the Prophet ﷺ substantiates the veracity of the concept of alpha widows. It's not that there's anything wrong with the guy, it's just that her previous lover gave her an experience of greater magnitude than her current lover, making her long for her previous lover and/or simply not be content with her current lover (example: her previous lover was more of a smooth talker and flirted better than her current lover; this means she will never be content with another man who isn't at least as good, if not better in this regard). This actually is why virginity and chastity are so important for women to have—it's because they will ALWAYS compare you to previous lovers they've had, and sometimes they aren't even aware of it. Once a woman experiences a level of ANYTHING in a sexual/romantic relationship, that will become the new minimum threshold for a man to bear. This is why virgin women are better than non-virgin women (all else being equal).
Jabir bin ‘Abd Allah said “The Apostle of Allah (ﷺ) said to me “Did you marry?” I said “Yes' '. He again said “Virgin or non-virgin (i.e. woman previously married)?” I said “Non-virgin”. He said “Why (did you) not (marry) a virgin with whom you could sport and she could sport with you?
Speaking of virgins being better than non-virgins, we have proof here from the Prophetic Sunnah. The marriage with A'isha RA, the one wife who was a virgin at marriage, was also known to be the best of his marriages that he had except maybe with Khadija RA, so that also is proof too. But anyway, other narrations of this hadith continue and explain that the reason why he married her over a virgin was because he had little sisters whom she could help take care of, whereas a younger woman would have come between him and them (meaning that otherwise he would have preferred marrying a virgin).
I mention this because women will rebuke men for preferring women who are chaste virgins, but it's evident here through the words of the Prophet ﷺ and even his own marriage with A'isha RA that virgin women are simply better than non-virgin women. Plus, it's simply our fitra as men to want a chaste wife. We shouldn't be scolded for this, contrary to what many pop-culture sheikhs and da'is are saying nowadays. Your choice is yours. In the same way women will be selective about not wanting to be with a broke, jobless man, so too do you have the right to be selective about not wanting an immodest, promiscuous woman. Don't ever let women nor society shame you for it.
A'isha reported that (one day) there sat together eleven women making an explicit promise amongst themselves that they would conceal nothing about their spouses. The first one said:My husband is a sort of the meat of a lean camel placed at the top of a hill, which it is difficult to climb up, nor (the meat) is good enough that one finds in oneself the urge to take it away (from the top of that mountain). The second one said: My husband (is so bad) that I am afraid I would not be able to describe his faults-both visible and invisible completely. The third one said: My husband is a long-statured fellow (i.e. he lacks intelligence). If I give vent to my feelings about him, he would divorce me, and if I keep quiet I would be made to live in a state of suspense (neither completely abandoned by him nor entertained as wife). The fourth one said: My husband is like the night of Tihama (the night of Hijaz and Mecca), neither too cold nor hot, neither there is any fear of him nor grief. The fifth one said: My husband is (like) a leopard as he enters the house (i.e. lackadaisical), and behaves like a lion when he gets out (i.e. spirited), and he does not ask about that which he leaves in the house. The sixth one said: So far as my husband is concerned, he eats so much that nothing is left back and when he drinks he drinks that no drop is left behind. And when he lies down he wraps his body and does not touch me so that he may know my grief. The seventh one said: My husband is heavy in spirit, having no brightness in him, impotent, suffering from all kinds of conceivable diseases, heaving such rough manners that he may break my head or wound my body, or may do both. The eighth one said: My husband is as sweet as the sweet-smelling plant, and as soft as the softness of the hare. The ninth one said: My husband is the master of a lofty building, tall, having heaps of ashes (i.e. he is generous with guests) and his house is near the meeting place and the inn. The tenth one said: My husband is Malik, and how fine Malik is, much above appreciation and praise (that I can give). He has many folds of his camel, more in number than the pastures for them (i.e. excess for slaughtering for food). When they (the camels) hear the sound of music they become sure that they are going to be slaughtered. The eleventh one said: My husband is Abu Zara'. How fine Abu Zara' is! He has suspended in my ears heavy ornaments and (fed me liberally) that my sinews and bones are covered with fat. So he made me happy. He found me among the shepherds living in the side of the mountain, and he made me the owner of the horses, camels and lands and heaps of grain and he finds no fault with me. I sleep and get up in the morning (at my own sweet will) and drink to my heart's content. The mother of Abu Zara', how fine is the mother of Abu Zara'! Her bundles are heavily packed (i.e. receptacles in her house are filled to the brim) and the house quite spacious. So far as the son of Abu Zara' is concerned, his bed is as soft as a green palm-stick drawn forth from its bark, or like a sword drawn forth from its scabbard, and whom just an arm of a lamb is enough to satiate. So far as the daughter of Abu Zara' is concerned, how fine is the daughter of Abu Zara', obedient to her father, obedient to her mother, wearing sufficient flesh and a source of jealousy for her co-wife. As for the slave-girl of Abu Zara', how fine is she; she does not disclose our affairs to others (outside the four walls of the house). She does not remove our wheat, or provision, or take it forth, or squander it, but she preserves it faithfully (as a sacred trust). And she does not let the house fill with rubbish. One day Abu Zara' went out (of his house) when the milk was churned in the vessels, that he met a woman, having two children like leopards playing with her pomegranates (chest) under her vest. He divorced me (Umm Zara') and married that woman (whom Abu Zara') met on the way. I (Umm Zara') later on married another person, a chief, who was an expert rider, and a fine archer: he bestowed upon me many gifts and gave me one pair of every kind of animal and said: Umm Zara', make use of everything (you need) and send forth to your parents (but the fact) is that even if I combine all the gifts that he bestowed upon me, they stand no comparison to the least gift of Abu Zara'. A'isha reported that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said to me: I am for you as Abu Zara' was for Umm Zara'.
There are some other things I want to point out: firstly, Umm Zara' came from shepherds living on a mountain, which is the equivalent of poor village girls in today's time (I'm pointing this out to denote that she was very likely a better woman as a wife than most women of that time, hence why she remained bonded to and more appreciative of Abu Zara' more so than other women were to their husbands); secondly, most of the women complained about their husbands. This is important to note because most of Jahannam will be made up of women due to ingratitude towards their husbands and towards kindness in general.
But even more than that, there is yet another proof for the importance of chastity, and why (when all else is equal) virgin women are better than non-virgin women. Umm Zara' married Abu Zara', and after he divorced her, she married another man who was also a great husband who got her tons of gifts, was a powerful chieftain and a great warrior, but she still loved Abu Zara' more, and still is in love with him. In fact, the women were supposed to talk about their husbands, and the first thing Umm Zara' does is talk about her ex-husband lmfao! Not just that, but she talked about Abu Zara' significantly more than her current husband, AND she also referred to Abu Zara' as her husband rather than as her ex-husband in the beginning.
It's very often the case where something sounds like a wonderful story at the end, such as here where men all want to be like Abu Zara', but when you learn to read between the lines a little, you see that things aren't as peachy as they seem. Her new husband gave her everything she wanted in addition to her relatives, too; but in the end, she loved Abu Zara' more. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but regardless, the truth about virginity (especially in women) still stands nonetheless. This concept where a woman longs for/compares her current man to a previous lover is called "alpha widowing", whereby the woman doing this is called an "alpha widow". A woman who is like this is essentially unable to have her hypergamy satisfied by you, and will never desire you as much as her previous lover/lovers unless you are somehow better than that man and/or stimulate her (in any regard) more strongly than he did. We as men all intrinsically understand this (hence why we prefer virgins over promiscuous women) despite modern society trying to make us forget it.
The husband of Barirah was a slave called Mughith. It is as if I can see him walking behind her weeping, with the tears running down onto his beard. The Prophet (ﷺ) said to Al-'Abbas: "O 'Abbas, are you not amazed by the love of Mughith for Barirah and the hatred of Barirah for Mughith?" The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to her: "Why don't you take him back, for he is the father of your child?" She said: "O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me (to do so)?" He said: "I am just interceding." She said: "I have no need of him."
Following in concert with talking about alpha widows, I bring this hadith out because it showcases the futility of trying to get a woman to love you out of pity. Modern western society raises men to do exactly what Mughith did to Barirah: do everything you can to get her attention (i.e. needing her validation), crying out of your supposed "love" for her, follow her around everywhere, try to talk to her and get her attention every chance you can get, etc. and that she'll somehow see "just how much you love her" before feeling bad about it, changing her mind, and loving you.
It's nonsense. No amount of groveling for her will make her want you; it actually confirms in her female psyche that you ARE beneath her and that she's better off without you because you are essentially lowering yourself down and humiliating yourself. You may say that you are doing this as an expression of self-sacrifice, but that's irrelevant because, again, her fitra inevitably sees you "lowering yourself down and humiliating yourself" as you actually being lower on the social hierarchy, as I explained in a previous post of mine (the last paragraph). And unlike men, women can never be attracted to a man they view as beneath them, hence why groveling never works. It goes against their fitra. This also explains the Ansari-Quraishi conundrum earlier, where the Ansari women who were treated better than Quraishi women treated their husbands worse; and also Imam Al Shafi'i's quote that Imam Al Ghazali had cited.
Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Urwa ibn az- Zubayr that a mawla of the tribe of Banu Adi called Zabra told him that she had been the wife of a slave when she was a slave-girl. Then she was set free and she sent a message to Hafsa, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. Hafsa called her and said, "I will tell you something, but I would prefer that you did not act upon it. You have authority over yourself as long as your husband does not have intercourse with you. If he has intercourse with you, you have no authority at all." Therefore she pronounced her divorce from him three times.
Muwatta Malik Book 29, Hadith 27 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
Hafsa RA told a girl who was recently freed that she can leave her husband (who was still a slave) if the marriage wasn't consummated. She also did advise AGAINST this too, but said it's still permissible. The girl who was newly freed decided to leave him anyway. This matters because it demonstrates female hypergamy: no woman wants to be married to a man of lower status than herself. Once she was freed, she no longer wanted to be married to him due to being of higher status than him, since he was still a slave. The lesson here is that no woman wants a man she feels is of lower status than herself, as was the case with Barirah from the hadith above.
We went out with the Prophet (ﷺ) to a garden called Ash-Shaut till we reached two walls between which we sat down. The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Sit here," and went in (the garden). The Jauniyya (a lady from Bani Jaun) had been brought and lodged in a house in a date-palm garden in the home of Umaima bint An- Nu`man bin Sharahil, and her wet nurse was with her. When the Prophet (ﷺ) entered upon her, he said to her, "Give me yourself (in marriage) as a gift." She said, "Can a princess give herself in marriage to an ordinary man?" The Prophet (ﷺ) raised his hand to pat her so that she might become tranquil. She said, "I seek refuge with Allah from you." He said, "You have sought refuge with One Who gives refuge. Then the Prophet (ﷺ) came out to us and said, "O Abu Usaid! Give her two white linen dresses to wear and let her go back to her family."
This ties in with the previous hadith; women do NOT want to marry a man of lower status than themselves. This woman literally rejected the Prophet ﷺ in marriage because she thought she was of better status than him. While she may not have known that he was a Prophet of Allah SWT, that is irrelevant to the situation because she rejected him (ﷺ) due to the belief that he was of lower status than her. I mention this because some people may try to use it (i.e. her not knowing he is a Prophet of Allah SWT) as an excuse for her rejecting the Prophet ﷺ in marriage. But if that were the case, then it would stand to mean that the only reason she would be okay with marrying the Prophet ﷺ would be due to his status as a prophet, further demonstrating that hypergamy is innate and inherent within women.
Others may further argue it's also possible that, upon finding out Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is a Messenger of Allah SWT, she'd marry him because it would henceforth mean that he would be good for her due to good character and religion. However, we know that this isn't the case because the character of the Prophet ﷺ was well-known to be the best even before prophethood, and also because she explicitly stated (in this narration of the hadith) that the reason she rejected him was because she felt like she was of higher status than him, meaning that his character and religiosity did not matter because she felt he was of lower status than herself.
In any case, there are several narrations of the hadith; you can read more about it here.
Part 3:
Narrated A'isha RA:The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, "Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer." A'isha said, "Messenger of Allah, when Abu Bakr stands in your place his voice does not reach the ears of the people because of his weeping, so tell Umar to lead the people in prayer." He said, "Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer." A'isha continued, "I told Hafsa to tell him that when Abu Bakr stood in his place his voice did not reach the ears of the people because of his weeping, and that he should tell Umar to lead the people in prayer. Hafsa did so, and the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'You are the companions of Yusuf! (referring to the women who cut their hands when they saw the beauty of Yusuf). Tell Abu Bakr to lead the people in prayer!' "A'isha added that Hafsa said to her, "I have never had anything good from you!"
Muwatta Malik Book 9, Hadith 86 (USC-MSA web [English] reference)
Here we see how they played more games, whereby A'isha RA tried using Hafsa RA as a workaround to tell the Prophet ﷺ to do something she wanted (have Umar bin Khattab RA lead instead of Abu Bakr RA) after her personal attempt failed. She's not necessarily telling the Prophet ﷺ to do this for sinister reasons, it appears (on the surface) that it's only because she/people can't hear Abu Bakr RA when he recites. However, it's important to note how she did things; firstly, she asked Hafsa RA to say the same thing. This makes it to where she "technically" didn't tell the Prophet ﷺ again but still has him told to do something she wants/wants done in her own way. But in addition to circumventing his (ﷺ) direct annoyance, it creates a social atmosphere of "this is what other people want too" to pressure the Prophet ﷺ into capitulating. Doing these things are notoriously female-like, and one would think that only women in our time do things like this, but it's evident that it's not; perhaps it's because these things are simply apart of female nature.... Secondly, she told Hafsa RA to do it too. While Hafsa and A'isha were very close and it's possible that this was the only reason, it's important to remember that Hafsa's dad was Umar bin Khattab RA; this could have been another influential factor. Thirdly, I want to point out that she was telling the Prophet ﷺ to have Umar lead rather than asking him to. Fourthly, to put things into perspective, they asked specifically for Umar rather than another righteous man like Abu Ubayda ibn al-Jarrah RA, who was one of the possible contenders for Khalifa after the death of the Prophet ﷺ and one of the 10 people who are promised paradise. Why is that? It's because Umar is more self-imposing and has a more commanding presence, and so they naturally see him as more suitable for leading. The Prophet ﷺ calling them "the companions of Yusuf" was for a reason—they respect only what their fitra tells them to respect, and underhanded ploys via whimsical, temperamental proclivities is the essence of the methods they use to get what they want.
This hadith also sounds like stereotypical drama a man has with his wife, too. Like I said before, none of this is alien to us. It's simply how Allah SWT Created women.
Once Umar asked permission to see Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) in whose company there were some Quraishi women who were talking to him and asking him for more financial support raising their voices. When Umar asked permission to enter the women got up (quickly) hurrying to screen themselves. When Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) admitted Umar, Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) was smiling, Umar asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! May Allah keep you in happiness always." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "I am astonished at these women who were with me. As soon as they heard your voice, they hastened to screen themselves." Umar said, "O Allah's Apostle! You have more right to be feared by them." Then he addressed (those women) saying, "O enemies of your own souls! Do you fear me and not Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)?" They replied. "Yes, for you are a fearful and fierce man as compared with Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)." On that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said (to Umar), "By Him in Whose Hands my life is, whenever Satan sees you taking a path, he follows a path other than yours."
This is clear as day. The women respected Umar bin Khattab RA more than the Prophet ﷺ, and it's solely due to how Umar is as a person relative to the Prophet ﷺ. You can't say that the Qur'an & Sunnah are all you need when it comes to women because while Umar was a great Muslim, he isn't a prophet.
Iyas ibn Abdullah ibn Abu Dhubab reported the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) as saying: Do not beat Allah's handmaidens, but when Umar came to the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and said: Women have become emboldened towards their husbands, he (the Prophet) gave permission to beat them. Then many women came round the family of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) complaining against their husbands. So the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: Many women have gone round Muhammad's family complaining against their husbands. They are not the best among you.
This last one carries over from the previous hadith. It shows how women will only ever respect you if they feel there are real repercussions for their actions (hence why they were more afraid of Umar RA than Prophet Muhammad ﷺ; they simply felt like he was more likely to do something about them). I am not advocating beating your wife; however, I am saying that there must be real repercussions when a woman treats you poorly. Because if a woman doesn't have to respect you, she will never respect you. And women cannot love someone they don't respect. If you allow her to treat you badly, she will continue treating you worse and worse until eventually she's walking all over you (may God Forbid). This is why I said to never be afraid to walk away—it's the one thing that gives you, as a man, power to handle your relationship as you see fit, and do what needs to be done. It stops you from becoming her slave.
And Allah SWT Knows best. I ask Him to Purify my intentions, and I ask Him for His Forgiveness over anything and everything I've said here that may be incorrect, haram, and/or displeasing to Him. I ask Him to Show me the whole Truth and the true, correct view about that which I may be wrong about. And I ask Him to Guide me. Ameen. All things are from Allah SWT.
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