Congruency Tests
Congruency Tests



ConfrontationalEdge
ConfrontationalEdge
Go to original post
Mar 5, 2023
Part 1:
Women will sometimes test men. This is a fact. Test men on what? Well simply put—they'll test him as a man, to see if he is a man. What I mean by this is, they'll put you in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't type of situation. And depending on how you handle it, you'll either increase her attraction towards you, or decrease it. In certain online communities that talk about social dynamics, they call these "sh*t tests" because it's essentially a test where a woman gives you sh*t.
So, what's an example of a woman testing you? She might ask if you believe men should be in charge of women. On the surface, such a question may seem like nothing more than harmless enquiry. But when you look deeper, you realize that you have to be careful with how you answer so that you don't come off a bad way. For example, if you say that men are in charge of women, you may appear oppressive, sexist, domineering, controlling, insecure, etc. But if you say men aren't, the implications entail that she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to respect you (and thus won't respect you). Also, no, 50-50 relationships don't work because societal pressure in today's time automatically gives preference to women over men, meaning that on any issues that you and her are split (i.e. disagree) on, she is by default granted the final decision because going against her essentially means you're going against society. But I digress.
It seems like a lose-lose situation all around; answering one way allows you to keep your strength and dignity but appear uncaring or even abusive even if you aren't, while answering in the opposite makes you weak which causes her to lose attraction towards you and henceforth the relationship declines & ends from there. So, what do you say in this situation? Well the truth is, what you say isn't as important as what you do. What I mean by that is, you can take her seriously and say that men are in charge of women and even bring out all the Qur'anic Verses and hadith narrations on the matter you want, and in turn have her think that you're some strict and overzealous boy who will use Islam (or whatever belief system/ideology) against her as a means of control and manipulation. Or you use this as an opportunity to joke around with her, so that instead of the mood getting ruined by seriousness and by you appearing controlling, she vibes off the mood being fun & enjoyable because you just made it enjoyable. For example, you twist her question around in a flirtatious way by jokingly saying "Oh I love taking charge if you know what I mean..." (maybe toss in a cheeky/smug grin, or just laugh about it). It gets her to start thinking of you in a more sexual manner while also showing that you aren't necessarily a pervert because she knows you are just joking around in the end. It should be noted, however, that you need to have built rapport with her in such a way that it doesn't seem out of character for you to joke like that; otherwise it will come off as desperate or sleazy, neither of which are good.
Another way is to adjust how you word your answer. For example, you don't say "women must obey men and that's it!", you instead say something like "well the world is kinda harsh, I don't want my wife to have to deal with that kind of stress, life is already stressful as it is and I'd really care about her, whoever she is..." (notice how this makes you appear altruistic), or "well no woman wants a weak man" (you'd have to say this like it's common sense, as if it were such an obvious answer that it's a weird question to ask; this makes her see you as dominant without necessarily seeing you as domineering). The reason why this works is because what you say doesn't matter as much as how you say it, and this is ESPECIALLY true for women. You can even give a nice-sounding non-answer and get away with it. When it comes to women, if it SOUNDS like it's nice, it therefore is nice. You can say one thing to a woman and, depending on HOW you act, can still alter the dynamic in such a way that she would be okay with you doing the exact opposite. Now, you could just be a straight savage who doesn't give af and answer directly but most men aren't at that level lol. You'd need to have extreme levels of confidence for that AND have already exhibited it already in a way that's congruent with yourself.
In any case, remember that these are just examples. How you should/shouldn't answer will depend on who you are, how much a given response matches with your personality, and the (social) context behind the "test" she's giving you. As you improve, you will eventually be able to handle them in your own way. But in general, the best way is to answer in a way that 1) doesn't lower your self-respect/put you in a position that's emasculating while 2) also being fun, playful, smooth, flirtatious, and/or lighthearted. Keep in mind your tonality & body language too, as those convey a lot more to her via subcommunication than the words themselves (proof).
الحمد لله رب العالمين
Part 2:
In my previous post, I talked about what sh*t tests are and how to navigate them. In this post, I will talk about why it's important and elaborate on some things I said.
The reason why all of this is important is because handling these tests properly shows that you aren't a pushover and sets the precedent for the relationship that you're in charge while ALSO displaying social intelligence. In other words, it indirectly shows your strength without hurting her, and that demonstrates finesse (i.e. competence) as a man.
Oftentimes you can use these tests as a way to sexualize the dynamic between you and the woman you're talking to (for us Muslims, that means your wife) to generate more attraction and thereby have a healthier and stronger relationship. When in the marriage-search process, you obviously try avoiding sin, but you can use the techniques I mentioned to keep things fun & lighthearted between you and the potential so as to see if you have chemistry and determine how compatible you two are with each other. And while I don't think most of this needs to be said, there are still some guys who say "who cares?" and "if a woman does this stuff, then she isn't worth marrying", etc. while others say things like "this might be true for the kuffar, but Muslim women don't do any of this", as if to say you shouldn't improve, that this is all pointless, and that it's only used for haram. To those of you who say this—I'm sorry but that's complete nonsense. Sh*t testing is apart of female nature. You will encounter it no matter what. Not caring about this as an issue means you're more likely to have a turbulent marriage, and if you think this is something only kuffar deal with, then you're sorely mistaken because the Prophet SAW was reported to have said:
You would tread the same path as was trodden by those before you span by span and cubit by cubit so much so that if they had entered into the hole of the lizard, you would follow them in this also. We said: Allah's Messenger, do you mean Jews and Christians (by your words) "those before you"? He said: Who else?
Don't be naive and think that just because a girl is Muslim that you therefore won't come across these issues or that these are issues only kuffar have. Women have the same proclivities regardless of religion. It's simply fitrah. And the truth is, fitrah doesn't care what your religion is. No one is gonna be perfect, and neither is your wife. It's foolish to think that your marriage will never once have any issues over the course of an entire lifetime. And if you have the mindset of "I just won't marry a woman who tests me", then the truth is that you'll just never get married. Yes, there is *some* variation between women regarding this, but ultimately it's just how Allah SWT Created women, meaning you'll never truly find a woman who won't sh*t test you at least on occasion.
And as for those of you who say "So what if she tests you? There's nothing wrong with a woman leading the relationship"—there absolutely is. Understand that women giving you these tests isn't them simply asking innocent questions, but rather them questioning you. It's not innocent enquiry as much as it is them indirectly critiquing you; they're trying to gauge you. When left unchecked, these critiques turn into criticisms, hence the nagging wife stereotype who doesn't respect her husband. That's why I said before in my previous post:
the implications [of men not being in charge] entail that she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to respect you (and thus won't respect you).
This is also shown by Imam Al-Ghazali RH:
Arab women used to teach their daughters [how] to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.”
Book on the Etiquette of Marriage, Chapter 3
It's also interesting to note that Imam Al-Ghazali provides an example from what the Muslim Arab women would do (i.e. sh*t test) during his time almost a thousand years ago. If Muslim women did that back then, they most definitely do it now. This is pretty clear proof of sh*t testing being apart of women's fitrah.
If a woman does not have to respect you, she never will respect you. Women don't view interpersonal relationships the same way as men, they view it in a hierarchical way whereby them being the leader means they are above you, and thus better than you (socially-speaking). This goes for arguably any time a woman has authority, particularly when she also feels she doesn't have responsibility either, but that's a separate topic. In any case, that's why being nice (especially when you do so without strength/masculinity) tends to make them lose respect for you—it's because, to them, you somehow must be below them on the social pyramid. Because it's not just being nice, it's serving them. And that's why they treat you as subservient. It's because at that point, you are.
Part 3:
For the last part of this 3-part series (Part 1, Part 2), I want to refocus the purpose of this series and share some closing thoughts.
Understand that none of this is meant to make you paranoid and think that everything a woman does is because she's testing you, nor is it meant to hate on women either; that's not the point. While sometimes women sh*t test you on purpose, most of the time they aren't even aware of it. This is something most people don't realize—when your wife is acting up and being a b!tch (I'm not trying to be crude but this is the best way to describe the dynamic I'm referring to), most of the time she's not even aware of it. Maybe after some time passes and she reflects, she realizes that what she did doesn't make sense despite it having made sense in that moment (to which she then chalks it all up to mood swings/PMS/period/whatever), but while it's happening, she isn't aware of it. That's how most sh*t tests are: Women aren't conscious of them. That's why I said it's their fitrah; they can't help it, it's just how they are. There is even a hadith on the matter:
Allah's Apostle said, "Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely."
Again, the purpose of this post isn't to make you paranoid and hate on women or to say that you should treat them badly or anything like that. If anything, it's to help you treat women better by showing you how to deal with them properly when they pull these stunts so that your relationship with them (i.e. your wife, sisters, mother, other female relatives, etc.) improves.
And while some Muslim men may think that Muslim women should/would obey their husbands simply because they are supposed to Islamically-speaking, understand that the heart still wants what it wants. You can bring out all the Verses from the Qur'an and show her all the hadith literature you can, but this doesn't matter in light of how she feels about the issue itself. That's why I emphasized how you answer her in the first post, since how you answer deals directly with how she feels. Otherwise, she will continue using ego defense mechanisms to rationalize why you're wrong like I said before:
[she will] think that you're some strict and overzealous boy who will use Islam (or whatever belief system/ideology) against her as a means of control and manipulation
And henceforth she will spin it on you to say that you are insincere/abusive (even if you aren't) to justify why she doesn't have to listen to you (e.g. "he's only using Islam from a cultural way to get what he wants, that's not what Islam says"). This is why passing these sh*t tests is so important. It even helps in your dealings with Muslimahs online when they espouse feminist rhetoric because you know how to advise them with wisdom. To the women: just because your man disagrees with you or wants something else doesn't mean he's abusive.
Some closing thoughts: Beware of those who say "never argue with a woman". Oftentimes this gets misconstrued into meaning that you should never say no to your wife and should capitulate to her every demand because you should "never argue". Keeping the peace is important but ultimately your role as a man is the leader, and Allah SWT does Say women must obey men, not the other way around. Don't be afraid to put your foot down. And if things really do come to a standoff on something you cannot compromise on (this includes your pride & dignity, your self-respect & masculinity), remember this:
Never be afraid to walk away.
All things are from Allah SWT.
Links to original posts:
Part 1:
Women will sometimes test men. This is a fact. Test men on what? Well simply put—they'll test him as a man, to see if he is a man. What I mean by this is, they'll put you in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't type of situation. And depending on how you handle it, you'll either increase her attraction towards you, or decrease it. In certain online communities that talk about social dynamics, they call these "sh*t tests" because it's essentially a test where a woman gives you sh*t.
So, what's an example of a woman testing you? She might ask if you believe men should be in charge of women. On the surface, such a question may seem like nothing more than harmless enquiry. But when you look deeper, you realize that you have to be careful with how you answer so that you don't come off a bad way. For example, if you say that men are in charge of women, you may appear oppressive, sexist, domineering, controlling, insecure, etc. But if you say men aren't, the implications entail that she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to respect you (and thus won't respect you). Also, no, 50-50 relationships don't work because societal pressure in today's time automatically gives preference to women over men, meaning that on any issues that you and her are split (i.e. disagree) on, she is by default granted the final decision because going against her essentially means you're going against society. But I digress.
It seems like a lose-lose situation all around; answering one way allows you to keep your strength and dignity but appear uncaring or even abusive even if you aren't, while answering in the opposite makes you weak which causes her to lose attraction towards you and henceforth the relationship declines & ends from there. So, what do you say in this situation? Well the truth is, what you say isn't as important as what you do. What I mean by that is, you can take her seriously and say that men are in charge of women and even bring out all the Qur'anic Verses and hadith narrations on the matter you want, and in turn have her think that you're some strict and overzealous boy who will use Islam (or whatever belief system/ideology) against her as a means of control and manipulation. Or you use this as an opportunity to joke around with her, so that instead of the mood getting ruined by seriousness and by you appearing controlling, she vibes off the mood being fun & enjoyable because you just made it enjoyable. For example, you twist her question around in a flirtatious way by jokingly saying "Oh I love taking charge if you know what I mean..." (maybe toss in a cheeky/smug grin, or just laugh about it). It gets her to start thinking of you in a more sexual manner while also showing that you aren't necessarily a pervert because she knows you are just joking around in the end. It should be noted, however, that you need to have built rapport with her in such a way that it doesn't seem out of character for you to joke like that; otherwise it will come off as desperate or sleazy, neither of which are good.
Another way is to adjust how you word your answer. For example, you don't say "women must obey men and that's it!", you instead say something like "well the world is kinda harsh, I don't want my wife to have to deal with that kind of stress, life is already stressful as it is and I'd really care about her, whoever she is..." (notice how this makes you appear altruistic), or "well no woman wants a weak man" (you'd have to say this like it's common sense, as if it were such an obvious answer that it's a weird question to ask; this makes her see you as dominant without necessarily seeing you as domineering). The reason why this works is because what you say doesn't matter as much as how you say it, and this is ESPECIALLY true for women. You can even give a nice-sounding non-answer and get away with it. When it comes to women, if it SOUNDS like it's nice, it therefore is nice. You can say one thing to a woman and, depending on HOW you act, can still alter the dynamic in such a way that she would be okay with you doing the exact opposite. Now, you could just be a straight savage who doesn't give af and answer directly but most men aren't at that level lol. You'd need to have extreme levels of confidence for that AND have already exhibited it already in a way that's congruent with yourself.
In any case, remember that these are just examples. How you should/shouldn't answer will depend on who you are, how much a given response matches with your personality, and the (social) context behind the "test" she's giving you. As you improve, you will eventually be able to handle them in your own way. But in general, the best way is to answer in a way that 1) doesn't lower your self-respect/put you in a position that's emasculating while 2) also being fun, playful, smooth, flirtatious, and/or lighthearted. Keep in mind your tonality & body language too, as those convey a lot more to her via subcommunication than the words themselves (proof).
الحمد لله رب العالمين
Part 2:
In my previous post, I talked about what sh*t tests are and how to navigate them. In this post, I will talk about why it's important and elaborate on some things I said.
The reason why all of this is important is because handling these tests properly shows that you aren't a pushover and sets the precedent for the relationship that you're in charge while ALSO displaying social intelligence. In other words, it indirectly shows your strength without hurting her, and that demonstrates finesse (i.e. competence) as a man.
Oftentimes you can use these tests as a way to sexualize the dynamic between you and the woman you're talking to (for us Muslims, that means your wife) to generate more attraction and thereby have a healthier and stronger relationship. When in the marriage-search process, you obviously try avoiding sin, but you can use the techniques I mentioned to keep things fun & lighthearted between you and the potential so as to see if you have chemistry and determine how compatible you two are with each other. And while I don't think most of this needs to be said, there are still some guys who say "who cares?" and "if a woman does this stuff, then she isn't worth marrying", etc. while others say things like "this might be true for the kuffar, but Muslim women don't do any of this", as if to say you shouldn't improve, that this is all pointless, and that it's only used for haram. To those of you who say this—I'm sorry but that's complete nonsense. Sh*t testing is apart of female nature. You will encounter it no matter what. Not caring about this as an issue means you're more likely to have a turbulent marriage, and if you think this is something only kuffar deal with, then you're sorely mistaken because the Prophet SAW was reported to have said:
You would tread the same path as was trodden by those before you span by span and cubit by cubit so much so that if they had entered into the hole of the lizard, you would follow them in this also. We said: Allah's Messenger, do you mean Jews and Christians (by your words) "those before you"? He said: Who else?
Don't be naive and think that just because a girl is Muslim that you therefore won't come across these issues or that these are issues only kuffar have. Women have the same proclivities regardless of religion. It's simply fitrah. And the truth is, fitrah doesn't care what your religion is. No one is gonna be perfect, and neither is your wife. It's foolish to think that your marriage will never once have any issues over the course of an entire lifetime. And if you have the mindset of "I just won't marry a woman who tests me", then the truth is that you'll just never get married. Yes, there is *some* variation between women regarding this, but ultimately it's just how Allah SWT Created women, meaning you'll never truly find a woman who won't sh*t test you at least on occasion.
And as for those of you who say "So what if she tests you? There's nothing wrong with a woman leading the relationship"—there absolutely is. Understand that women giving you these tests isn't them simply asking innocent questions, but rather them questioning you. It's not innocent enquiry as much as it is them indirectly critiquing you; they're trying to gauge you. When left unchecked, these critiques turn into criticisms, hence the nagging wife stereotype who doesn't respect her husband. That's why I said before in my previous post:
the implications [of men not being in charge] entail that she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to respect you (and thus won't respect you).
This is also shown by Imam Al-Ghazali RH:
Arab women used to teach their daughters [how] to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.”
Book on the Etiquette of Marriage, Chapter 3
It's also interesting to note that Imam Al-Ghazali provides an example from what the Muslim Arab women would do (i.e. sh*t test) during his time almost a thousand years ago. If Muslim women did that back then, they most definitely do it now. This is pretty clear proof of sh*t testing being apart of women's fitrah.
If a woman does not have to respect you, she never will respect you. Women don't view interpersonal relationships the same way as men, they view it in a hierarchical way whereby them being the leader means they are above you, and thus better than you (socially-speaking). This goes for arguably any time a woman has authority, particularly when she also feels she doesn't have responsibility either, but that's a separate topic. In any case, that's why being nice (especially when you do so without strength/masculinity) tends to make them lose respect for you—it's because, to them, you somehow must be below them on the social pyramid. Because it's not just being nice, it's serving them. And that's why they treat you as subservient. It's because at that point, you are.
Part 3:
For the last part of this 3-part series (Part 1, Part 2), I want to refocus the purpose of this series and share some closing thoughts.
Understand that none of this is meant to make you paranoid and think that everything a woman does is because she's testing you, nor is it meant to hate on women either; that's not the point. While sometimes women sh*t test you on purpose, most of the time they aren't even aware of it. This is something most people don't realize—when your wife is acting up and being a b!tch (I'm not trying to be crude but this is the best way to describe the dynamic I'm referring to), most of the time she's not even aware of it. Maybe after some time passes and she reflects, she realizes that what she did doesn't make sense despite it having made sense in that moment (to which she then chalks it all up to mood swings/PMS/period/whatever), but while it's happening, she isn't aware of it. That's how most sh*t tests are: Women aren't conscious of them. That's why I said it's their fitrah; they can't help it, it's just how they are. There is even a hadith on the matter:
Allah's Apostle said, "Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely."
Again, the purpose of this post isn't to make you paranoid and hate on women or to say that you should treat them badly or anything like that. If anything, it's to help you treat women better by showing you how to deal with them properly when they pull these stunts so that your relationship with them (i.e. your wife, sisters, mother, other female relatives, etc.) improves.
And while some Muslim men may think that Muslim women should/would obey their husbands simply because they are supposed to Islamically-speaking, understand that the heart still wants what it wants. You can bring out all the Verses from the Qur'an and show her all the hadith literature you can, but this doesn't matter in light of how she feels about the issue itself. That's why I emphasized how you answer her in the first post, since how you answer deals directly with how she feels. Otherwise, she will continue using ego defense mechanisms to rationalize why you're wrong like I said before:
[she will] think that you're some strict and overzealous boy who will use Islam (or whatever belief system/ideology) against her as a means of control and manipulation
And henceforth she will spin it on you to say that you are insincere/abusive (even if you aren't) to justify why she doesn't have to listen to you (e.g. "he's only using Islam from a cultural way to get what he wants, that's not what Islam says"). This is why passing these sh*t tests is so important. It even helps in your dealings with Muslimahs online when they espouse feminist rhetoric because you know how to advise them with wisdom. To the women: just because your man disagrees with you or wants something else doesn't mean he's abusive.
Some closing thoughts: Beware of those who say "never argue with a woman". Oftentimes this gets misconstrued into meaning that you should never say no to your wife and should capitulate to her every demand because you should "never argue". Keeping the peace is important but ultimately your role as a man is the leader, and Allah SWT does Say women must obey men, not the other way around. Don't be afraid to put your foot down. And if things really do come to a standoff on something you cannot compromise on (this includes your pride & dignity, your self-respect & masculinity), remember this:
Never be afraid to walk away.
All things are from Allah SWT.
Links to original posts:
Part 1:
Women will sometimes test men. This is a fact. Test men on what? Well simply put—they'll test him as a man, to see if he is a man. What I mean by this is, they'll put you in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't type of situation. And depending on how you handle it, you'll either increase her attraction towards you, or decrease it. In certain online communities that talk about social dynamics, they call these "sh*t tests" because it's essentially a test where a woman gives you sh*t.
So, what's an example of a woman testing you? She might ask if you believe men should be in charge of women. On the surface, such a question may seem like nothing more than harmless enquiry. But when you look deeper, you realize that you have to be careful with how you answer so that you don't come off a bad way. For example, if you say that men are in charge of women, you may appear oppressive, sexist, domineering, controlling, insecure, etc. But if you say men aren't, the implications entail that she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to respect you (and thus won't respect you). Also, no, 50-50 relationships don't work because societal pressure in today's time automatically gives preference to women over men, meaning that on any issues that you and her are split (i.e. disagree) on, she is by default granted the final decision because going against her essentially means you're going against society. But I digress.
It seems like a lose-lose situation all around; answering one way allows you to keep your strength and dignity but appear uncaring or even abusive even if you aren't, while answering in the opposite makes you weak which causes her to lose attraction towards you and henceforth the relationship declines & ends from there. So, what do you say in this situation? Well the truth is, what you say isn't as important as what you do. What I mean by that is, you can take her seriously and say that men are in charge of women and even bring out all the Qur'anic Verses and hadith narrations on the matter you want, and in turn have her think that you're some strict and overzealous boy who will use Islam (or whatever belief system/ideology) against her as a means of control and manipulation. Or you use this as an opportunity to joke around with her, so that instead of the mood getting ruined by seriousness and by you appearing controlling, she vibes off the mood being fun & enjoyable because you just made it enjoyable. For example, you twist her question around in a flirtatious way by jokingly saying "Oh I love taking charge if you know what I mean..." (maybe toss in a cheeky/smug grin, or just laugh about it). It gets her to start thinking of you in a more sexual manner while also showing that you aren't necessarily a pervert because she knows you are just joking around in the end. It should be noted, however, that you need to have built rapport with her in such a way that it doesn't seem out of character for you to joke like that; otherwise it will come off as desperate or sleazy, neither of which are good.
Another way is to adjust how you word your answer. For example, you don't say "women must obey men and that's it!", you instead say something like "well the world is kinda harsh, I don't want my wife to have to deal with that kind of stress, life is already stressful as it is and I'd really care about her, whoever she is..." (notice how this makes you appear altruistic), or "well no woman wants a weak man" (you'd have to say this like it's common sense, as if it were such an obvious answer that it's a weird question to ask; this makes her see you as dominant without necessarily seeing you as domineering). The reason why this works is because what you say doesn't matter as much as how you say it, and this is ESPECIALLY true for women. You can even give a nice-sounding non-answer and get away with it. When it comes to women, if it SOUNDS like it's nice, it therefore is nice. You can say one thing to a woman and, depending on HOW you act, can still alter the dynamic in such a way that she would be okay with you doing the exact opposite. Now, you could just be a straight savage who doesn't give af and answer directly but most men aren't at that level lol. You'd need to have extreme levels of confidence for that AND have already exhibited it already in a way that's congruent with yourself.
In any case, remember that these are just examples. How you should/shouldn't answer will depend on who you are, how much a given response matches with your personality, and the (social) context behind the "test" she's giving you. As you improve, you will eventually be able to handle them in your own way. But in general, the best way is to answer in a way that 1) doesn't lower your self-respect/put you in a position that's emasculating while 2) also being fun, playful, smooth, flirtatious, and/or lighthearted. Keep in mind your tonality & body language too, as those convey a lot more to her via subcommunication than the words themselves (proof).
الحمد لله رب العالمين
Part 2:
In my previous post, I talked about what sh*t tests are and how to navigate them. In this post, I will talk about why it's important and elaborate on some things I said.
The reason why all of this is important is because handling these tests properly shows that you aren't a pushover and sets the precedent for the relationship that you're in charge while ALSO displaying social intelligence. In other words, it indirectly shows your strength without hurting her, and that demonstrates finesse (i.e. competence) as a man.
Oftentimes you can use these tests as a way to sexualize the dynamic between you and the woman you're talking to (for us Muslims, that means your wife) to generate more attraction and thereby have a healthier and stronger relationship. When in the marriage-search process, you obviously try avoiding sin, but you can use the techniques I mentioned to keep things fun & lighthearted between you and the potential so as to see if you have chemistry and determine how compatible you two are with each other. And while I don't think most of this needs to be said, there are still some guys who say "who cares?" and "if a woman does this stuff, then she isn't worth marrying", etc. while others say things like "this might be true for the kuffar, but Muslim women don't do any of this", as if to say you shouldn't improve, that this is all pointless, and that it's only used for haram. To those of you who say this—I'm sorry but that's complete nonsense. Sh*t testing is apart of female nature. You will encounter it no matter what. Not caring about this as an issue means you're more likely to have a turbulent marriage, and if you think this is something only kuffar deal with, then you're sorely mistaken because the Prophet SAW was reported to have said:
You would tread the same path as was trodden by those before you span by span and cubit by cubit so much so that if they had entered into the hole of the lizard, you would follow them in this also. We said: Allah's Messenger, do you mean Jews and Christians (by your words) "those before you"? He said: Who else?
Don't be naive and think that just because a girl is Muslim that you therefore won't come across these issues or that these are issues only kuffar have. Women have the same proclivities regardless of religion. It's simply fitrah. And the truth is, fitrah doesn't care what your religion is. No one is gonna be perfect, and neither is your wife. It's foolish to think that your marriage will never once have any issues over the course of an entire lifetime. And if you have the mindset of "I just won't marry a woman who tests me", then the truth is that you'll just never get married. Yes, there is *some* variation between women regarding this, but ultimately it's just how Allah SWT Created women, meaning you'll never truly find a woman who won't sh*t test you at least on occasion.
And as for those of you who say "So what if she tests you? There's nothing wrong with a woman leading the relationship"—there absolutely is. Understand that women giving you these tests isn't them simply asking innocent questions, but rather them questioning you. It's not innocent enquiry as much as it is them indirectly critiquing you; they're trying to gauge you. When left unchecked, these critiques turn into criticisms, hence the nagging wife stereotype who doesn't respect her husband. That's why I said before in my previous post:
the implications [of men not being in charge] entail that she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to respect you (and thus won't respect you).
This is also shown by Imam Al-Ghazali RH:
Arab women used to teach their daughters [how] to test their husbands. One would say to her daughter, “Test your husband before taking a step and before showing boldness toward him. Remove the edge of his spear; should he remain quiet, hack bones with his sword; and if he should still be quiet, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, for he is your donkey.”
Book on the Etiquette of Marriage, Chapter 3
It's also interesting to note that Imam Al-Ghazali provides an example from what the Muslim Arab women would do (i.e. sh*t test) during his time almost a thousand years ago. If Muslim women did that back then, they most definitely do it now. This is pretty clear proof of sh*t testing being apart of women's fitrah.
If a woman does not have to respect you, she never will respect you. Women don't view interpersonal relationships the same way as men, they view it in a hierarchical way whereby them being the leader means they are above you, and thus better than you (socially-speaking). This goes for arguably any time a woman has authority, particularly when she also feels she doesn't have responsibility either, but that's a separate topic. In any case, that's why being nice (especially when you do so without strength/masculinity) tends to make them lose respect for you—it's because, to them, you somehow must be below them on the social pyramid. Because it's not just being nice, it's serving them. And that's why they treat you as subservient. It's because at that point, you are.
Part 3:
For the last part of this 3-part series (Part 1, Part 2), I want to refocus the purpose of this series and share some closing thoughts.
Understand that none of this is meant to make you paranoid and think that everything a woman does is because she's testing you, nor is it meant to hate on women either; that's not the point. While sometimes women sh*t test you on purpose, most of the time they aren't even aware of it. This is something most people don't realize—when your wife is acting up and being a b!tch (I'm not trying to be crude but this is the best way to describe the dynamic I'm referring to), most of the time she's not even aware of it. Maybe after some time passes and she reflects, she realizes that what she did doesn't make sense despite it having made sense in that moment (to which she then chalks it all up to mood swings/PMS/period/whatever), but while it's happening, she isn't aware of it. That's how most sh*t tests are: Women aren't conscious of them. That's why I said it's their fitrah; they can't help it, it's just how they are. There is even a hadith on the matter:
Allah's Apostle said, "Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely."
Again, the purpose of this post isn't to make you paranoid and hate on women or to say that you should treat them badly or anything like that. If anything, it's to help you treat women better by showing you how to deal with them properly when they pull these stunts so that your relationship with them (i.e. your wife, sisters, mother, other female relatives, etc.) improves.
And while some Muslim men may think that Muslim women should/would obey their husbands simply because they are supposed to Islamically-speaking, understand that the heart still wants what it wants. You can bring out all the Verses from the Qur'an and show her all the hadith literature you can, but this doesn't matter in light of how she feels about the issue itself. That's why I emphasized how you answer her in the first post, since how you answer deals directly with how she feels. Otherwise, she will continue using ego defense mechanisms to rationalize why you're wrong like I said before:
[she will] think that you're some strict and overzealous boy who will use Islam (or whatever belief system/ideology) against her as a means of control and manipulation
And henceforth she will spin it on you to say that you are insincere/abusive (even if you aren't) to justify why she doesn't have to listen to you (e.g. "he's only using Islam from a cultural way to get what he wants, that's not what Islam says"). This is why passing these sh*t tests is so important. It even helps in your dealings with Muslimahs online when they espouse feminist rhetoric because you know how to advise them with wisdom. To the women: just because your man disagrees with you or wants something else doesn't mean he's abusive.
Some closing thoughts: Beware of those who say "never argue with a woman". Oftentimes this gets misconstrued into meaning that you should never say no to your wife and should capitulate to her every demand because you should "never argue". Keeping the peace is important but ultimately your role as a man is the leader, and Allah SWT does Say women must obey men, not the other way around. Don't be afraid to put your foot down. And if things really do come to a standoff on something you cannot compromise on (this includes your pride & dignity, your self-respect & masculinity), remember this:
Never be afraid to walk away.
All things are from Allah SWT.
Links to original posts: